Tokyo Action

First bit of management stress

2011-12-04T02:42:00.001-08:00

Hmm i felt first bit of stress in management today

My company has so much going on.. that the politics of survival strategy are annoying me. you have factions and groups trying to take over things, and i'm in the middle of many of this... and its annoying. goes to say, management is a headache. some love the kill .. maybe not for me.

i like sleep and peace

Physique in the 40's

2011-11-20T02:12:00.001-08:00

I'm 38 now.
But I must say... between 35-38 I have dramatically declined in power. nothing specific -- just overall power and state of my physique.. is dying.

i now realize why athletes have dramatic decline in 30's... by mid-30 you are lucky if you don't feel pain and aches regularly. by late 30's and probably 40's, you are literally dying from a pure molecular/cellular level. I can feel it. I do pushups or stretch and my shoulders are always tight and sore. I ran 5km for charity and was bit sore few 2 days later.. i did few squats other night and legs were still bit sore 2 days after... overall its not good.

Anyways... thats life man. I'm very happy i'm not injured and have serious problems yet. But i can't let genetics make me lazy i am thinking to start runniny daily or cycling.. must focus on health these days not for anything except to feel better. Will update on how that plan goes.

Also looking at buying house now.... gotta fill out damn mortgage pre-approval forms. We shall see -- if only I could decide where to live long term then I could buy !!

The latest dope

2011-11-13T02:50:00.001-08:00

Lets see.. many things happening.
1. Snowboard season start, going to Whistler in New Years yeaaah!   i'm going w/ a group including a gal that is my semi-true love.. girl i have liked for a long long time.. even though i have a girlfriend now.. we'll see how that turns out.
2. I am trying to focus for year end.. one more month left.. I feel I have done so little this year. I wish I had more motivation to wake u early, run, plan things for work, and help my team more.. but alas i'm a dying soul.
3. Thoughts of retirement.. hmmmm

Retirement is an interesting one. I haven't done the math really, but I wonder if my loose high roller lifestyle is causing me to sacrifice early retirement .... or is it not significant ?

Case in points on waste:
1. Daily taxi to work. Cost $25 a day x 250 = $6000 a year !   Hmmm if I did this for 10 years.. $60k !
2. Rent. Moving from $5k apt to $3k apt. Effective saving is $1k after tax.   $1k x 12 x 10yrs... $120k !
3. Coffee. Including weekends, 10 coffee per week x $3.50 on avg x 52wk x 10yrs = $18k !
4. Travel. I prob spend $10k a year on travel x 10yrs = $100k !
5. Snowboarding. $300 per trip avg * 10 trips * 10yrs + equip ($5k) = $35k !
6. Entertainment (eating out, drinking, cigars, ...). I dunno.. $10k a year * 10 = $100k

Hmm i suppose if I add it all up, its $500k in extra savings by the time I'm 48 if I cut down on everything fun in life. Hmmmmmmmmmm.    Bah maybe i should cut out coffee.....

haha

Hmmmm... humanity

2011-10-08T11:02:00.000-07:00

Jobs dies.

We are all human, what can I say.

As I ponder existence.. and my personal struggles for sanity, love, and success.. I can't help but think about random things like Dr.Manhattan from the Watchmen -- if I could see time the same way he does.. without sequence. I wonder what is next in life. Will I have a child I wonder? Honestly I dont feel the need.. I have bad genes.. my uncle (mom's side) apparently has some fatal disease (though he must be almost 80 by now).. cancer maybe? I'll find out Tuesday when I talk to mom.

One thing about life.. ithas an end to it. I ponder what my end will be like.

Maybe I should have a baby afterall or should I quit and retire in Vietnam before I become a dinosaur.

Not very deep tonight, sorry.

TGS 2011

2011-09-15T17:53:00.000-07:00

Interesting thing in Japan there are alot of "booth babe/models" that are really just regular girls. Case in point, at the Tokyo Game Show they probably hire some 2,000 girls to dress up as cute girls for various gaming booths. One could call them models, but they are hardly models at all.. in fact many aren't even cute, but a commonality is they are all young.

My girlfriend is in this pic, she is a part time booth babe! Weird I know.. its sick.. alas its my life.

I'm going to go to the show on Sunday thus will perhaps have more pics to share!

Goals for remainder of 2011

2011-09-14T23:47:00.000-07:00

I realize I never wrote any goals this year..
looking back even in 2007 I had written goals on what I want to accomplish for the year.

Its something I like to do, and advised to others to do.. that way we can reflect and learn and see what we've achieved.

For remainder of 2011...
- lose weight, i have pass 80kg which is kinda shocking.. really gotten fat suddenly
- wake up earlier (i had this goal every year...)
- sleep better (maybe help w/ waking up!)
- travel more to new locations (rather than same old...)
- stay technical, work on iphone app or do something !

Thats it! Thats my goals.. keep it simple.

Its in the Jeans

2011-09-12T02:58:00.000-07:00

Is it the shoes? Is it the jeans? No its really about the genes...

The old argument of nuture vs nature is one I hope they continue to research and evolve theories on. Its really fascinating.. I think most doctors believe in nature more, I know some doc families that are so into genetics that they refuse to let their daughter marry a PhD researcher because his dad had Cancer and they want to avoid the gene..

But watch Dr.House and you'll see, its a combo for all disorders. They look at family history first, then they look at env (they always search the house for mold/bacteria/etc).

Anyways I ponder as I have genes of issue.. should I really reproduce I wonder.. here i lay it out:
Good:
+ Relatively smart
+ Somewhat thoughtful and caring
+ Physically pretty good and athletic
Bad:
- Lazy & Indecisive
- Unable to commit to anything in life
- Low morale values
- Cancer and high BP genetics

Now if I were really good looking then I'd say surefire reproduce and make the world a prettier place... I guess my child wouldn't be a loser or drag on society.. but does the world really need more people?

Note nobody is pregnant, at least none of my doing. Just a random thought as I ponder life and the universe.

Update on the GF -- we are now at 3 months.. i find.. i like her.. But analysis:
Good:
+ cute and young
+ easy to get along with
+ has personality and her own opinion on things
+ relatively smart but not too smart (and doesn't think she's too smart!!)
+ physically good for bearing Spartan-like children
Bad:
+ watches too much TV
+ too young and naive
+ common ground for solid conversation lacking
+ not the sweetest more caring girl i know (she is nice, but not overly adoring as i'd like)

hmmmmm gaming, slacking.. the endless cycle

2011-08-27T06:08:00.000-07:00

I started playing more games. Deus Ex, Team Fortress2, Magicka, etc etc

What am i doing with my life i wonder..

Also losing lots of money in the stock market. damn, lost 25k on a single trade recently prob will recover a few $k but most is sunk.. the money doesn't depress me but it is kinda lame

Doing good at work despite my total slackerness.. but i feel its another area I could be really doing great work, but instead just getting by. I need to take a 2 week break and just rethink things

Other updates

2011-07-31T02:02:00.000-07:00

1. losing lotta money in the market
2. i did buy the AP watch, and
a) scratched it a few places
b) broke after 1 month and had it in shop under warrany for 1 month repair
3. new gf is turning out to be very nice gal, though kinda gets drunk alot which i'm not found of. but she made dinner last night, and breakfast and does laundry and sweeps floor sometimes so overall she's not bad. keeper? maybe, jury is out after 2months.
4. i am getting damn fat. i am going to try to do a daily 10min workout of slamming some weights at least to keep a little activity.. if i could run 15min then that'd be holy grail

we are getting old. as oldman tombo says.. we dont have time....

Ahh work stress

2011-07-31T01:35:00.000-07:00

work is tough.. when u become the bossman.. u have to deal w/ the fun of upside and growth, and the downside of dying company losses...

i ponder what i should do if faced w/ the decision of needing to fire someone for cost cutting.

1. do u fire who is not needed purely on talent/merit/skills?
2. do u fire based on who u think is going to leave anyways
3. do u fire based on who u r friends w/ and who your loyalty is with?

sigh its tough... i'm cold hearted, but even then its tough.

Reality

2011-07-16T05:47:00.001-07:00

Its interesting.. I was watching "Friday Night Lights" -- final season. I really think this is a great series.. one of the best I've seen. Watching the coach in this show makes me think about what a leader should be like (conversely watching Office is a great one to learn what not to do).

The characters in the show have so many challenges and issues growing up.. broken families, dads in prison or out of town or drunk.. or no parents at all. Its quite interesting because this is not reality its TV, but for me I think of it as true reality. The worlds are flipped around for me -- because I find my life to be lacking reality in many ways...

But if one believes in fate and karma then one can expect.. there's no free lunch in the long run. There is an algorithm called "no free lunch" as well.

Anyways I have a long weekend to relax since I didn't go to my 20th reunion. Omg.. getting so old.....

Cigar and Highs

2011-07-01T21:48:00.000-07:00

Do cigar's get you high?

Well I'm smoking a Cohiba Siglo IV now on a bit of a windy day on my balcony -- this is a long cigar and damn I think yes.. its definitely something chemical.. maybe like dope or crack, i hope i dont have a stroke as a result.

I found smoking a small one in a closed room like a cigar bar will also get you high.

Anyways.. on highs in life.. i dunno. I am now into July. I shall have 4 months to push some shit at work to really make some killer deliveries and focus... but i'm so lazy.

Okay this was a pointless post.

Tokyo Beauty

2011-06-05T06:09:00.001-07:00

I am reminded of American Beauty -- Kevin Spacey plays an old man, not unlike myself, who is obsessed w/ a young girl at his daughters HS. He fancies her and charms her and seduces her...

Cross the pacific 5000+ miles away sits myself, an old man.. reliving youth by dating a nubile 22 yo college gal... and i wonder what am I doing, and at the same time I feel wow this is so great. I'm waiting to be shot in the back of the head at some time.

Anyways its maybe not true love, but its.. something. Something that may change me and ruin me. Boy Tokyo is great.. and dangerous. Very dangerous.

Living w/ Uncertainty

2011-05-28T21:01:00.001-07:00

I saw the movie "Into the Wild" where boy meets nature and dies due to poor planning and bad luck.

There's alot more to it, but it made me think.. (and movies that can make you think are what I am after).. there's a common theme amongst guy movies which is the guy renunion like Hangover and Hot-Tub time machine where guys want to let loose and go nuts. Its not about banging chicks, its about the adventure of living life without everyday rules and with uncertainty/abandon and creating some memories. Thats the theme of Vegas come to think and that should be premise of AAC.

In Into the Wild, some criticized the guy for going into the woods w/o a compass, map, and enough preparation. Some called it a death march/suicide. On a more tame tangent, its like me going to China w/o a plan/map/preparation, I just go, walk around and see whats going on. I don't necessarily like the idea of a complete plan because the adventure aspect is then lost.

My thought is.. I think guys want to get into trouble. When I meet up w/ the boyz I think part of the hope is that we have some drama and do something memorable like in the Hangover.. something you can look back at and say damn that was crazy shit. Obviously you run the risk of death if you are too far over the edge, so its again back to the basics of risk management.

For Into the Wild -- if he came out alive, he'd say damn I really lived life. Living without fear is not possible (it'd mean u feel nothing). Living with abandon.. now thats living. Or is it ?

The next level

2011-04-22T09:13:00.000-07:00

In tennis an old coach talked about reaching the next level.. in all things its hard. in billiards, in foosball, tennis.. life -- to reach the next level is the challenge that some live for.

For me, its not something I feel I need.. but to avoid rambling.. i may move to HKG! I think the opportunity is here, it may be the right now for a change of pace for me. Yep maybe pack it up. I feel some excitement over the new challenge.. and while I haven't completely dominated the current challenges in TKY (at work, at play), I guess I've always been a hopper so moving plays to my favor.

We'll see, as I shalt keep you posted.

I'm going to buy this Audemars Piguet next week in HKG when i'm back in town.

Hmmm disturbing dream.. on eve of the end

2011-04-14T06:56:00.000-07:00

I had a dream last night after fading out early from massive jetlag... it had 3 phases as dreams lack the linear continuity of time, much akin to Dr. Manhattan

1. I'm sneaking into the wedding of... my ex-gf, Miss Korea.. i see her walk past once, then later I'm hiding as I try to get a look at her on the wedding stage, but only really get a partial glimpse, then get a glimpse of her being carried away by her husband. I also see my friends in the seating and I wonder WTF why are they invited??

2. I'm now at a house party, at the house of my ex-Oracle market director who is now the CMO at Oracle and my buds that I hung out w/ a few days ago in SF are all there, and we are having a blast.. at this time I don't remember much more about this party, but the CMO isn't there.

3. I'm walking home and am next to 2 japanese girls.. they look at me and I say something to them and hang out w/ them for a bit as they go to some restaurant. I get the phone # / email of one of them, but not the one I would like to get. I somewhere along the line touch the other girls boob. Ooops. She had nice boobs.

Whats this mean?? Hmm could mean everything, could mean nothing.

Related to #1 -- its on the eve of getting some interesting email regarding miss korea that next morning. its as if.. something were aligned. I often think as I did today of getting back together w/ my crazy ex-gf.. why? I know she was trouble but sometimes one can't avoid passion and infatuation.. fortunately for me, our relations are so severely severed that there is no going back. For that I'm thankful because its a death trap in the end.

Why we don't settle down

2011-04-04T02:03:00.000-07:00

I realized after this weekend why as we get older we don't settle down easily.

Okay, 1st I don't meet/date enough really superstar girls. That be true. Conversely girls don't date superstar guys as they get older.

2nd, we all get used to doing our own thing.. and its a serious deliberation whether I rather do my own thing on sunday or hang out w/ a girl i'm not gaga over. Ie, go back to 1st issue -- not dating someone that excites you -- but given lack of that I'd rather just relax by myself half the time and date random women on occasion.

Sad ? Kind of like a job hunt.. given lack of a suitable job that meets their standard, many would rather just be unemployed. Guess it just depends how desperate you are?

Food chain -- borders, blockbuster, etc

2011-03-28T07:51:00.000-07:00

Funny.. when borders came to town.. they gobbled up the mom and pop shops like the "shop around the corner". Then amazon came and gobbled up Borders.

Same for blockbuster gobbling up mom-n-pop video stores, then falling to megalith Netflix (whom i could have worked for building up the very business of VOD).

In the end everyone is fish food for someone else. Amazon, Netflix all may fall oneday to some other big fish.

I felt ill after drinking a whole bottle last night. But I felt somewhat refreshed. I may drink another!

Opus 2006 - Post Quake Depression

2011-03-27T03:13:00.001-07:00

I decided to buy a bottle to try this out which I'm sipping as I type thing.

The end of the world may be near, and I would feel 1% bad about not having ever tried the famous Opus One wine.

Initial reaction -- being a non wine enthusiast and non bordeaux expert -- its not bad. very easy to drink, a bit dry, but very smooth. probably not what a typical wine expert would say to describe a red, but nonetheless its very drinkable. the only other high end wine i can compare to is this other bourdeux i tried a glass of for $50 (1995 Domaine Georges Lignier Clos De La Roche) which was quite good as well in a similar smooth way.

Not to sound like i'm in real depression, but the topic of today is really is my post-quake-depression. Going into the quake I was finishing up snowboarding season which is the sad highlight of my life. Then quake hits, cancels a few trips, and creates some drama.. but now its over and I'm left wondering what to do w/ the rest of the year.

I feel no passion or desire in life.. its quite sad. Its not a girl thing or sex thing.. last few girls i dated i felt i rather sit alone w/ my laptop pondering life rather than banging them on a sunday afternoon. Same w/ tonight, i was going to invite some lady over to share the Opus.. but then just didn't wanna bother w/ the hassle and bullshit of wining, dining, and etc to get into a girls pants that I don't even really care about.

Some would say I haven't met the right girl.. others may say I'm too picky like Jerry Seinfeld.. picking on minutia like big hands, bad shaped nipples, or whatever the heck bothers me between one girl and the next. Could it be MK trauma that has permanently fucked me up ??

Hmmm this requires a seperate post to think about.

In the meantime ingest this article from a man hater: WHere have all the good men gone?

End of the world.. from my eyes

2011-03-15T03:20:00.001-07:00

I sit here, perched in Akasaka pondering the fate of Japan like Gandalf in his tower in Minas Trinas... somewhere up north are thousands if not hundreds of thousand freezing and searching for food, fuel, and family. But me.. I sit and type.. listening to my B&W floorstanding speakers..

Its a dichotomy.. even while in Japan, there is life at the site, and life outside. In Sendai and Iwate it must be hell. But here, in.. my life is not much different than yours. I have plenty of food, water, heat.. shortages exist but not in my town. I sit back, read the news and wonder whats up the same was you do. Sure I have the added stress of a pending nuclear fallout but thats 200miles away.. who knows if that affects me or kills me ?

Anyways the point is, I'm safe for now. Some have left which was maybe wise.. but I am in a predicament where I must stay.. for facetime at work. Is it the right thing? I don't know, time will tell.

I wonder if this pending doom and radiation is going to kill the romantic mood ? hahaha

Whats Love...

2011-02-19T06:05:00.000-08:00

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html

Is love that important in life?

I ponder love alot.. what is true love.. what is monkey love.. what is passion vs lust vs companionship and how does it equate to love.

I think I have been in true love a few times.. definitely lust many times, and had great companionship. True love would be something that overwhelms and nearly destroys ones life.. as its power is documented in film/books/etc for long as one can research back. It is the most powerful vice around.

I seek true love.. but at the same time I feel my days have past.. I've seeked for a while, and now I'm in thinking of settling down w/ someone who is a companion more than a true love. Whether thats good or bad I'm not sure. I'm pondering it.. pondering deeply in fact.

The TV show The Office has a great romance .. I'm sure for many it strikes a chord for anyone who has had similar unfulfilled love..

Another Bonus comes and goes

2011-02-06T04:25:00.001-08:00

Well I guess it came, and it went.
I got a bunch of stock oh shit.. worthless stock dammit.

Anyways I wish timing in my career were such that I could just take a year off and hibernate.. snowboard.. repent on life.. read.. relax.. and enjoy everything. Unfortunately that is not my life. Instead I think i'll buy a new watch and waste my money since someone has to help stimulate the economy.

I am going to dump some HPQ stock as well.

The Single Guy

2011-01-31T02:36:00.001-08:00

I started dating a new girl.

And I must say.. I think being single has its pluses
1) You can do your own thing on weekend, nobody else to check with
2) You can watch porn and have wild monkey sex http://nymag.com/news/features/70976/
3) You can hire prostitutes like Charlie Sheen and have wild monkey sex

Then again... it can be lonely as an old man filled with regret waiting to die alone (quoted from Inception).

So anyways I dunno, maybe the answer is to date an easy going girl and continue doing 1,2,3 above ???

2010-12-03T07:01:00.001-08:00

I have 3 roads
1. Stay in Management. Maybe I can make it to the top.
2. Go back to technical work. I think I am good and had passion for understanding things so I was a good engineer.
3. Retire and be a day trader for 1 year, put up $100k to try it out......

In the end, I don't know what I'd enjoy or what is best. I lack guidance.

But I'm a conservative man, I will prob stay w/ #1 and see where it goes. Amazing after only 6 months I am restless.

Work.. focus.. enjoyment.. freedom

2010-12-02T05:40:00.001-08:00

I realized something, I value my freedom. The cost of freedom is high though. Trust me, I fight the freedom fight daily -- to be free.. is to be alone. Because one can never be free if they have obligations. Its the compliment of free -- bound.

Being bound is good in some ways, you are grounded and know what you need to do. Freedom is akin to unboundedness and chaos.. no direction.

At work, I learned my key lieutenant is going to move to be a trader. Wow amazing.. its like an instant 50% raise and potential to make 500% more (more likely 80% more in a year). Makes one think.. did I make the right choices in going into management? I do feel I am wasting some technical prowess that I have.. now my day is spent filing emails.. sifting thru hundreds a day.. trying to comprehend whats happening on 10 projects...

But what was I really good at? i was good at hacking together systems and understanding how stuff works. Yep I am a true engineer. In finance I am also good at this.. understanding how stuff works, how pricing, curves, risk ... all work because I really like to know.

In management I have issues not knowing enough. I know the high level, but as management you can never get deep enough to know the details hands on and it is troubling really.

Anyways.. all my life I live w/ the angst of work and pondering if I'm doing the right thing. Funny things never really change. I am happy w/ what I'm doing, but I also look for my next progression after 6 months at this role.

haha, I get bored fast

MK memories

2010-10-12T10:18:00.000-07:00

Well my saga w/ MK comes to an end soon... lawsuits will finish by year end I think.

Today I was unpacking a box and I discovered.. aaag all this random stuff belongs to MK! I wonder where this came from, its a bunch of random stuff like makeup, shot glasses, etc. I ponder if I should forward this to MK.. despite her terrors.. I admit I really was smitten by her and miss her. Don't take it the wrong way, I'm a bit down now so I'm weak, and I know she was bad for me and would have ultimately destroyed me...

But we are human, I'm weak in some ways. Strong in others. Humanity is imperfect.

Need to seek my place of zen / enlightenment.

3-day weekend

2010-10-10T09:44:00.000-07:00

Have a 3-day weekend.. i been doing nothing.

I think I'm depressed. Work is going quite well, I may be up for a bigger role as my boss gets new responsibilities.. he needs his lieutenants to take on more. Quite good for me.. though I do feel I need to step up my current execution before I move up any more.

But.. other than work like is a bit stagnant. Thank god snowboarding seasons coming.. that is a good distraction at the least.

I bought an iPhone4 on saturday... not sure if thats a life changer but its something new!

Cocksuckers

2010-09-25T07:56:00.000-07:00

Sorry the blog isn't about japanese females I've met... I been watching the HBO show "Deadwood" -- been trying to get into it years ago on many recommendations and finally have. Quite good.. its interesting they call each other "cocksuckers" probably 50 times a show that I walk around starting to think "yeah that cocksucker" -- its like brainwashing...

Life imitates art.. lets hope not in the case of deadwood.. and those cocksuckers!

Moved to a new apt. Wow this is the ultimate living.

Theme for Q4'2010

2010-09-21T13:14:00.001-07:00

Simplify

Yes.. minimize, simplify.

Map-Reduce ? For programmers thats a paradigm for parallel processing or something like that.

Anyways I aim to simplify my life and reduce my dependence on material possessions a bit. I am dumping some clothes, goods, etc. I am going to stop buying random shit of value and keep it real.

Lets see how it goes I'll recap status in 2011.

Work is crushing me

2010-09-17T10:19:00.000-07:00

Work.. I love it, and I'm dying at the same time

It is all consuming.. let me give you a glimpse of my work day..

- okay i start late. get in at 910am, see SYD has various issues...
- overnight batches ran so i skim thru emails and aggressively delete
- SYD traders have some problems so someone on my team is taking care of it, must keep eye on that.. TK guys seem ok today.
- still reading all the overnight emails..
- some audit docs are due, must finish those soon too
- also gotta get on this data mapping stuff for another group
- got 10am meeting, see ya
- back at 1100am, more emails to digest
- almost caught up on email...
- damn gotta meet w/ trader @ 1145am to explain trade migration
- boss calls me to meet over lunch, say gotta meet w/ trader first, call u after
- meeting takes 35min, now 1230pm go for lunch w/ boss, boss tells me he wants to promote me next year, wants to give me more.. i tell him i'm barely keeping alive right now.
- 130pm back, now got piled up email...
- gotta meet w/ 1 of my guys for 1-on-1 monthly
- some trader reports recent trades aren't showing in risk reports...
- oh wait, someone visiting must meet w/ them
- gotta dig up info for boss on dev/qa hardware and systems.. bah..
- 4pm finally go to meet w/ my guy 1-on-1
- wait end of day batches running -- any issues? keep eye out
- gotta stop and do this all but forgotten data mapping ..
- PM calls me for updates to her weekly reports...
- LDN comes on line bombards us w/ emails...
- gotta deal w/ bullshit for new hire, order monitor stands, etc.. call my admin for help
- gotta deal w/ bullshit cost center nonsense for another project.... call biz manager for help
- 6pm meeting
- someone leaving gotta talk to him before he goes...
- 7pm meeting
- PM still needs her updates so gotta go do that at her desk, takes 15min
- ah data mapping, let me get that done now.. done!
- hmm for some trade migration gotta discuss w/ guy..
- wow its 9pm.. hmm should go home, almost caught up on email! i'm caught up! oh now NY online starts email bombardment..
- hmm realize have 5 other things shoulda done.. oh well go home already!

(I go home and also read some mail, talk to NY guys on conf calls sometimes...).

And the cycle starts again..

Anyways yep its a damn busy day. Got like 5 projects to manage.. boss wants to promote me next year. Wow quite a great situation I'm in right now if I can focus and make it all happen...

Saving money ??

2010-08-26T03:58:00.000-07:00

Hmmm I suddenly started looking at houses in TKY and realized wow.. now if I had a goal in life, like to buy a home or retire early, I'd probably live a different lifestyle for sure. No more taxi rides, exp apts, 5-star hotels, and random travel on a whim.

Houses in TKY ? Well I'd say a decent one in central TKY is $1.2mm -- now with interest rates at 1.0% the mortgage is actually not that bad ($3.5k a month?). Okay thats bad, but not that bad. I once started budgeting for wife and kids, and it did stress me out a bit -- hahaha

Anyways I will still save some money. Yep... I have some goals in life. But definitely not saving at the rate of some of my peers I imagine. Alas tis life.....

Note recent dating has been slow. I met some korean girls but no aciton -- I must practice my Hangul -- there is a huge market there awaiting if I just learn some of that shit. Though one gotta wonder .. am I really compatible w/ a Korean ??

Smoking up $$$

2010-07-30T16:19:00.000-07:00

I found myself lately smoking $30 cuban cohiba's every week... taking taxi to work everyday ($20), and buying $200 burberry apparel ...

Whats happening to me.. is it that I don't care about money anymore.. ? do I feel the end is near and I don't need to be so cheap as I was 10yrs ago ? Am I just being a poser and acting snobbish and rich when I'm really just a working class schmo ?

I don't know... things are changing though.

NYC -- there are alot of good looking girls. But how does it compare to Tokyo ? Well.. not as many skanky girls, Tokyo is skank central. Lots of huge breasted women.. and large, and medium .. they are a bit chunkier, but definitely breasts galore. I find myself staring alot due to the lack of breastage in Tokyo as a whole.

I had this thought.. if I took a survey and asked females:
1. Are you happy?
2. Do you like your job?
3. Do you have a husband?
4. Do you have kids?
5. Do you get along w/ your family?
6. Do you exercise regularly?
And if I noted their breast size.. would the presence of larger breasts possibly have any correlation with happiness? I pondered this today.. I know its sooo deep. Yes.. are larger breasted women happier??

Seize the opportunity

2010-07-24T04:46:00.000-07:00

I must say, I have a golden opportunity.. when I think of focusing on a goal, I think of a few things.

1. There is a goal..
2. There is a path..
3. There is the execution

I've often failed at #3. I know the path and have a goal, but I can not get there alot of times due to laziness or half hearted attempts. I am talking mainly about work, but it probably applies so my love life too.

Take for example if you wanted to be a trader. There are many guys in IT who have made it.. the path is clear. You bust your ass, come in at 7am leave at midnight, kiss some ass, really do alot of extra things for the trading desk, and then 1yr later it might happen. While people know it, there are few who can execute. People say they want to do it.. but few try. But the payoff is incredible.. its akin to studying to be a plastic surgeon or something..

I feel i have the opportunity to really make a name and move up quick. My boss is giving me more and more.. really stretching me. More staff, more projects.. I'm actually choking a bit, but if I can handle it then I can move to the next level... which is amazing for me, given I was stuck at my last role.

Anyways my problem is always being half-ass... things I need to do are clear.. come in earlier.. don't drop balls.. show i can handle more and more. But.. we'll see how it goes. I go to NY tomorrow to meet more Sr managers.

I feel good about my career prospects for now. Just damn hard to execute when you are a lazy ass like me....

Could always be worse..

2010-07-04T08:25:00.001-07:00

California bracing for minimum wage for all state workers... ala swartzeggera - yesterday night overhead a conversation at a bar w/ this dude bitching about how he didn't get a job offer cause they gave it to some japanese guy, he's broke he's $1350 behind in rent and about to get evited.. shouldn't be out, shouldn't be spending money drinking etc etc...

Times are tough all around man... I gotta say. Okay for me its not tough, and for most of my friends its not tough, but its tough out there is what I mean.

Sometimes I wonder if I deserve the insulated lifestyle.. am I losing touch w/ the people ??

Oh man I met the hottttest girl last night. Damn... damn... damn....

US economy is dying. What the hell.. is Obama a dud???
Will BP recover?
Should I buy some SPY now or is SPY lame.. what the hell to invest in?? More JP Yen ??
Stay tuned...

Hmmmm

2010-06-25T10:57:00.001-07:00

I still feel I have so much potential in life...

Though time is against me now. If I want to do something now is better time than any I suppose. Its about focus!

"I need you to focus!" -- Legendary Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights.

Why we can't ..

2010-06-20T08:48:00.000-07:00

I had this new deep thought.

First off, today I did nothing. It is Sunday.. Last night I was out till 1am or so, came home watched part of "Once Upon a Time in America" and dozed off at 3am or so. Woke up at 7am, finished watching most of it to find this movie was not as great as I recall -- or was it? I don't know.. watching between 1am-8am is not best focus time. Aftewards i dozed in and out until I finally got out of bed at 1pm and made lunch. I was going to go biking and stop by the office, and maybe meet a few others, but instead I zonked out and napped from 3pm- till 7pm totally dissing various plans of the day.

My summary sounds like a waste to some (even myself) but in reality I only do this sometimes, and other times like snow season I'm the opposite. But point is, this is how life is when you are 30's and single. You do what you want and nobody can tell you otherwise.

I think this is the reason why its hard to settle down as the years go on. You become too independent. Its hard to imagine waking up Sunday and going to church for example just because my wife or gf wants me to... thats something I can recall recently w/ gf's or even in my 20's -- wanting to sleep or play games on weekends. Wow I must be lazy ??

I guess the key is to find a gf or wife that lets you do whatever you want.. if you like to go out, find someone who likes to do the same.. if u like to sleep, find someone who likes to sleep too. Hmm I don't know but as time goes on you get used to being alone sadly enough!

On the other hand.. its being selfish vs giving to your partner and giving to your family. Growing up and taking on new responsbilities vs not having to worry. Taking on alot of management is similar in that sense.. being a solo developer is alot less stress, just focus on your own stuff.

Weak Won

2010-06-11T07:09:00.000-07:00

I am past 1 week at my new job.

I'm managing 6+1 contractor now all locally... going to be a handful. I used to manage like 11, but 6 were offshore, and 4 were different offices, so i really just had 1 local to manage, and most of the guys I knew already. Quite a new thing to manage a new team.

Anyways job is good, I think its a good step for me.

New Job Day 3

2010-06-09T05:52:00.000-07:00

Day 3 is done...

I feel.. this is a tougher job than my last.

Is it more rewarding? We shall see... but its a necessary step in my life.

Holy shit my vacation is over

2010-06-05T00:05:00.000-07:00

Damn.. vacation is over.

I start new career Monday. Seems I have 7 people reporting to me. Wow bigger than I expected.. its going to be challening....

First impression of my new NetBook!

2010-05-24T09:11:00.000-07:00

I bought a netbook. My tablet was dying.. that damn tablet... I had a fujitsu lifebook which cost like $1500+ 2 years ago, now while it was working I really liked scribbling notes on it w/ the pen. I think that is the future, and for that reason I am tempted to get a iPad mainly for the scribling ability. When I am brainstorming work (system design, team scheduling, etc) it really helps -- of course I can just scribble on a notepad as well for 1/100 of the price. The battery casing was going bad causing the contact to slip and poweroff at random times making it annoying as hell to use.

So I bought this ASUS netbook Windows 7 since its soooooo cheap at $300 (and only $3 for a case). Now the interesting thing is.. it has a dual core intel Atom processor, 1gb of RAM and I imagine this i7 Atom is like 10x faster than the original 586/Pentium, but this thing is soooooo slow, its like using IBM OS/2 (sorry to poke fun but that thing was a dog). Its shocking how bloated Windows must be, and W7 is supposed to be far superior than Vista?? I notice the speed of the iPad and makes me wonder... (albiet iPad has limited multi-tasking ability).

Anyways the other problem I find is that the mousepad is horrible, mouse keepings jumping around so I had to buy an external mouse. But even then, waking from sleep sometimes the keyboard or mousepad doesn't register so I have to sleep/wake it again! Omg.. this thing is sooo lame. I'm updating now... we'll see if its driver issues or ASUS hardware that is killing me.

Okay on the flip side, for < 3lbs, its tiny and does everything I need including Excel, MSOffice, and VPN / remote desktop into my work. That is the critical gap that steered me away from the fancy iPad.

Anyways this works and its cheap. There is an interesting hybrid product called the Entourage Edge .. its 1/2 e-reader, 1/2 ipad, 1/2 netbook. This may be the future!!

Its done

2010-05-09T09:17:00.001-07:00

I accepted a new job.

Many ponder.. why I change jobs so often.. is it because I have no loyalty? Is it because I have no committment? Is it because new jobs are so easy to find?

Hmmm... good question.. I am not sure myself but I can only tell you a few things:
1. New jobs come with new challenges, new things to do, new inspiration. I find it harder to be inspired doing the same thing.
2. New jobs often come up better salary, title, positions. (Note its not always been that way for me).
3. There are alot of people hiring out there!
4. Some people find it scary or difficult to start a new job.. I find it annoying and difficult to stay in the same job. Is that weird??

Nonetheless, I do change jobs too often... every 2-3yrs is okay, but as we age.. we must show some loyalty and build some tenure for sure. I am looking at my next gig as a 5+ year, to potentially a lifetime plan. Its hard to know, I may get fired at this job for a change... no one can really predict the future. I can only say I have alot of hope and will try to focus more this time around.

Plus I have a new 52" tv and other stuff I just bought, so must finance my new lifestyle....

Show me the money

2010-04-20T05:03:00.000-07:00

Hmmm pay is so evil... at banks we get the big payday once a year and it came.. and went. well the actual settlement is next week.

The only thing to remember is.. people aren't paid whats fair and just, they are just paid what they can get in the outside market. Really quite odd.. is it right? Supply/Demand based?

Anyways I got a pretty good bonus. I think.. I'm overpaid.... I guess its better to be over than under paid. So I'm not complaining.

But I'm embarking on a new adventure maybe... if I get this new job. It may actually pay less.. thats kinda lame. Maybe opens the door to potentially reaching the next level though, so perhaps that is worth the short term sacrifice of a few dimes.

Interviewing yet again...

2010-04-16T07:11:00.000-07:00

Is my eternal search for gratification a dire and hopeless one I wonder?

As many know, I have interviewed more than more people dream about... and I'd say I'm so good at it now that I can land most jobs (hit rate is down from 95% to about 75% -- its getting harder). But as I age, its not wise to keep jumping ship.

So.. I had 3 rounds of interviews compressed in 1 week. It was quite hardcore and was a flash. I'd say it went quite well and I may take this new job. I don't know if it means more money, but the responsibility is bigger and will require alot more dedication.

But it has 5 less vacation days.. at my age should I strive for balance in life or challenge? I enjoy slacking and coming in late, leaving early.. getting paid max $/hr.. but at the same time I feel like I'm not really accomplishing anything with my life. Now the question is... should I build a life outside work or let work become life ?

Now I'm back...

2010-04-10T01:29:00.000-07:00

So I'm back.. and in action, back to the grind at work, back to the tokyo action.

Thought my last blog said i shall stay in asia.. I ponder socal and hkg every other day. Hkg for adventure, socal for the easy life..

The dilemna with moving to socal is this.. Tokyo and big cities.. you meet alot of people. Being single is more fun, but at the same time, if you watched SexInTheCity you will realize its a tough town as well. Relationships come and go and your attitude changes as a result. For example, in the 2 weeks I have come back, I met at least 6 new girls (a few at the local bars, a few from outings w/ friends, etc). Now note, maybe all of them are low life bitches who want nothing more than a free drink or dinner, but there is a flow to this madness that keeps one alive...

Side note, it amazes me how much girls like to eat for free.. they don't mind going out w/ random guys just for free food and drink?? Must be some ego thing for them to know they can get a guy to pay for them?

At work I suffer.. from the affliction of my manager not having 100% faith/confidence in me. Its come to my realization.. this is a critical hinderence in my career progression. Obvoiusly its partially due to reality which is that I am not reliable and I am not motivated. However, I think it also comes with a duality which is.. people are motivated when they have something they want to work on... not everyone will give 110% on anything they are asked to do... but then again maybe thats what we need to do to be make it in this world ?

zzzzzz

Must stay in Asia

2010-03-23T19:02:00.000-07:00

I have come to realize.. I will stay in Asia.

Now its about Japan vs HK.

After spending a few days in SoCal.. I realize... this is no life for me while I am single. Some parts of SoCal are very nice -- like Irvine, Yorba Linda, etc. Some parts like where my sister lives is dead and not that nice though. I'm glad she can be so happy living such a simple life.

I could play tennis daily... that would be nice. But otherwise its dead. Drive around go to starbucks.. borders... what else though?? Play D&D or do alot of online gaming??

Anyways thats how I feel now. Its a nice place to have a simpler life though for sure.

I am doing taxes Thurs. I realize I made alot of money this year.. where did it all go ???

Dumps

2010-03-10T04:22:00.000-08:00

Shiiiit I found out today not getting promoted. Damn it really downed me.

I can't say I wasn't expecting to get promoted.. not that one can expect or not, its more "hope" than expectation. Expectation is like you are fully deserving, and maybe I'm not.. maybe I am, but I dunno.

Anyways that shoots some of my career plans down the tube. On one hand is it just 1 more year to wait? Or have I waited 1 year too long as it is... I dunno.... but maybe this is a good omen, it lets me rethink my career path a bit more.

Perhaps... I shall stay

2010-03-08T05:12:00.000-08:00

I'm the flakiest guy I know in terms of making decisions and sticking with them.

Anyways my latest thought is heading more towards... stay in Japan... for a while. While I feel I could do the other 2 ideas (1- move back to US and settle down, 2- move to HK and goof off before moving to US to settle down), I think it may be hard at this point in time.

Tokyo has the advantages...
1- Age is on my side here. As I get older, there are still alot of young people around me, and being 40 in TK is ok to be hanging out with the 25yo's. Not sure if its the case in SF and OC, maybe it is.

2- Snowboarding is good... very good. The 4 seasons offer alot of things I didn't realize before coming here. It gives me something to look forward to as seasons come and go.

3- Lots of females -- though I'm not exactly meeting my mate, its true there are many options here. I meet new girls every week (or few weeks).

Sure its an expensive town, but anyone who sees how I live would imagine I am living the easy life. Work is easy, its all easy. Yeah I should enjoy it here maybe?

Next steps to enjoyment:
a) buy 52" tv
b) learn more Japanese (and korean)
c) get into shape and travel around japan more
d) maybe get car

As the year turns

2010-02-13T05:55:00.000-08:00

For most of the world the year turns either Jan 1st, or on their birthday -- but for some it turns when they hand out bonuses. Its a breaking point in the yearly grind, it makes you think about life and what your goal is, and whats valuable.

My old manager told me once that we don't really have a choice in life.. at least not after you start along a path. For him, he was married, started working, had kids, etc and was entrenched in his role and he has to go with the job to support his family and life. He felt choice was an illusion.

I guess for me I do have choices because much of my life is still to be decided. I've taken a long route to taking the next step.

Anyways when our bonuses come around, I wonder if I'll have the courage to do something truly different with life. I don't know if its courage thats needed but I wonder what I will do. Its not that our bonuses are big, its just a closure point if you do want to make a change. I ponder my options:

Stay in TK with the same job, continue trying move up the ladder. Its a place I know and its safe. Money is still good, env isn't great, but its okay. I can make a few internal changes and it'll be fun.
Stay in TK with a new job, stay here for a while and settle in. New job is risky, but maybe give me a new perspective on life. Also make for my return plan
Move to HK for a year and travel then move back to the US
Move back to the US -- but then the question is where to go? SoCal? NoCal? Somewhere new?

I'm getting older, so I feel the need to settle down somewhere and plant my roots. I feel it'd be hard and a bit lonely at 40 to root down in a new town and make friends and build relationships up. Thus it brings me back to places I know, very likely SoCal where at least I have some family.

I suppose Japan is a natural 2nd place since I have family here too.

I have a few months to decide. I am leaning the HK way for now.

Da Flu

2010-02-11T19:22:00.000-08:00

I have the flu I think. Its mixed symptoms but thats my self diagnosis.

Being sick really puts me in an emotional funk.. makes me wonder, will I die alone? Will I find the right person?

My friend Homey (I use that because he's black) also wonders this alot. He is looking for his true love and has these questions alot as well. In his case I wouldn't worry because he's black and in Japan they are novelty and he picks up girls all the time. But even then, he dates a bunch but rarely meets one he really connects with.

He also has the added pressure of having a dead-end career on the helpdesk as a contractor.. and as we get old, we all have to think about how we are going to settle into our golden years. I am not sure if there are so many 50 year old programmers... but I believe there are less programmers these days so perhaps its okay. The baby boomers all die off, and I heard less people were studying CS... so will I be okay??

Living da life

2010-02-07T04:59:00.000-08:00

I recently started dating a chinese gal... though the only reason was probably her huge chest.. and I eventually got to the point of sleeping w/ her, and I realized.. what is the point of this .. is this real?

I wonder why I quesiton myself so much. There are guys out there who are 100% happy w/ the game of just sleeping with anyone they can.. but somehow I always wind up in angst about what my motivation is.

I looked at some facebook pics of an old HS friend and his friends... and noticed wow most people have family. I'd probably say 75% are married, maybe more. I'm clearly the exception, yet I find it hard to just settle down.. sure I could marry someone like Miss China but really.. can I live w/ this person forever?

While I snowboard every weekend.. and go drinking and have fun with life its easy to avoid the reality of the situation which is that we are getting old, and we will die oneday. So at the end of it all.. what will be my story?

Lost Job Lost Soul Gain Money Who Knows

2010-02-01T03:39:00.000-08:00

I lost 1 job...but then a week later I got a 10% raise for nothing. Its part of the sham the industry is playing on the government -- lower bonuses higher base. So I guess the median bonus was 30% and now they've lowered it to 20% and in doing so most get a 10% salary increase (up to some maximum level/salary cap).

I lost track of salaries, but I suspect even with my 1 job now I'm doing pretty good... for a guy with no family to support anyways.

Tombo always ridicules about how his friends have such a tough time finding someone... but the reality of the "grass" is that its "greener" on the other side. While its not entirely brown while you sit in it, there are brown spots when you get up close. What I say is.. its not that easy to find something real. I can easily find young, cheap, cute ho's to mess around with esp if you are buying them (one way or another), but finding ones soul mate.. now I can't believe thats easy for anyone even Lebron.

Lately I have been snowboarding every week. I am hardcore now, but its unfortunate, time is against me. I wish I had gone hardcore 5, 10 years ago. Now, in my present state I can barely go 1 day before being near my deathbed in the end. I came back from a 3 day trip but on the 3rd day I started at 8am but was dead at 11am. Its tough man... but it gives me motivation to train for something other than having better sex.

Lost Job

2010-01-20T06:12:00.000-08:00

Dang, seems my money making side-action project is coming to an end.

Well i guess I milked this for a long time now.. like.. 7 years omg... ? It had to happen. Some years I felt god damn just let it die... its a hassle to have to support this thing. Now I realize, you should never complain about free money.

It wasn't that much, but imagine the loss of an extra $1000-$2000 a month of cashflow.. i suppose that is the cashflow that I've been using to live large in tokyo! Damn times will get tougher now!

Now I see how Tombo lives large, having 2 jobs allows this!

Oh well life moves on.

Snow -- the new meaning of life?

2010-01-19T06:21:00.000-08:00

I went snowboarding on Monday. I took the day off.

Wow, it was great. Going solo isn't so great, but its okay. Last week I went w/ 6 others. This weekend I go with 4 others, and the following weekend with like 8 people.

Anyways I found revived passion in snowboarding. I found the powder situation here is great, so I am mostly cutting thru trees and "off-piste" or off trail in search of powder. The caveat to this is that some runs will lead you to nowhere and death.. my friend said she got stuck for 2hrs last weekend. My other friend went down a nowhere path and had to dig his way out for 10hrs. I kid you not.

In my case I'm not that adventurous so I follow paths that others have gone down. But still the powder is deep and if you fall or get stuck, it takes a while to dig out and is god damn tiring. But there is a thrill of cutting thru some path that is unknown, dodging trees, trying to stay afloat and then .. finally finding daylight back to the main trail ! Its really a great high.

I probably got stuck 1/2 the time, but the other 1/2 when I had a clean run thru the treeline it was awesome.

I may go every weekend this year! I invested $1000 on new board, boots, bindings, etc, so I should maximize this investment.

I often wonder...

2010-01-17T07:27:00.000-08:00

I often wonder if my ex-gf, the psychopath, thinks back and is sad she didn't try harder to make things work.. I wonder if she has regret about how she handled things and realizes she was the one who pushed me away with her psychotic control freak nature, it wasn't just me... I really was trying in this relationship. Thus, I do wonder.. part of me thinks she doesn't regret and just thinks its all my fault, hence the fundamental problem in the relationship. Its quite sad really.

I definitely feel alot of regret that I wish thing worked differently. I often second guess if I did things differently.. or if I had done this or that it'd have been okay. But in the end, I know I there were far more problems than I could solve on my own here. So I accept it.. but I'm one to wallow in the past, its my curse.

Anyways I wanted to get that written down. I think about it regularly.

Its critical we all go out of this world knowing we did the best we could. If you can do that, then there should be no problem letting go. Its like the final game in "Friday Night Lights", coach billy bob says as long as you know you did your best and didn't hold back then you will be satisfied with life. I don't know if I'm at that level yet!

How week 2 is going

2010-01-11T06:20:00.000-08:00

Friday I went to dinner w/ an admin from work. This gal is also a bit older, but has a very alluring bust, not quite as alluring as Tombo's japanese police-cop but trust me busty girls are not eays to find in Japan. However I need to stop wasting time on these not-sure girls. Also work girls are not good to mess with. As a result, I went to bed at 2am.

Saturday I woke at 5am to go snowboarding. Oh man what a great time.. I was dog dead tired and sore when we finished at 4pm and got home around 8pm with a slight headache, etc. Sunday I pretty much was dead, got a massage, took a few baths, and then watched 5 movies at home. Is that productive? I saw Saw1-4, then Saw 5-6 the next day. I must say I was quite pleaed w/ this series.

Monday I went to the gym and saw a cute girl there... but stay focused, worked out, got haircut, did some work from home for both of my jobs. Yes I too have 2 jobs, though 1 is fake. Tomorrow another grueling day at the office! I didn't sleep well all last week, so tonight I may force myself to bed shortly with a sleeping pill or something. Can't have my week start in hell again.

Anyways I'm happy to have gone to gym 2 weeks in a row and snowboarding was great. 2010 is starting ok. Maybe I can sleep tonight.

I discovered Drake's video Best I Ever Had is my new favorite. Love that.

Life and Excercise and Destiny

2010-01-05T04:30:00.000-08:00

I did it, I went to the gym for 1hr.

Forgive me but I am starting slow. I did 30min on the bike, and 45min of weights. I really should run because biking is boring as hell and cardio I am not into so rather do it quickly and hardcore.

However I recall telling my coworker while in the hater mood, how staying healthy doesn't do much for most people. Most people probably are destined to live whatever length they are by merit of genes and circumstance. I am thinking my ideal self, full of vigor and exercise and fiber may live to 69. My avg self of staying semi-healthy 66, and if i am a relatively lazy blob then 63. So whats that buy me.. 6 years? Is it worth it?

I suppose looking forward I don't see the merit. But at the twilight of my life as the end nears, will I cherish every waking day and hope for just one more fantasy football league, or to see one more hot girl's photo in the next issue of Playboy.. ? Hmm I'm having dark thoughts alrighty.

I think perspective would change if I had family/kids. Then I may really feel something more.

I had some bleak thoughts about getting my act together and my coworker said I was already focused and efficient. I said hahaaaa... I'm soooo good at faking!

My 2010 Goals

2010-01-03T05:59:00.000-08:00

I suppose its a good thing to write goals. The act of thinking about it is critical -- almost as critical as doing it. One can argue whether its execution or planning that is key.

I won't digress and explain my 2009 in detail, but I can sum it up in a few lines:
- ended relationship w/ psychopath which almost killed me
- survived the post-bankrupt era and emerged a winner at work
- traveled to Shanghai and SZ (new places), revisted HK, California, Vancouver, and Hawaii.
- got fatter by maybe 8lbs

My generic goals:
- Career -> achieve next promotion status (VP)
- Money -> start saving a little more than I do now, reel in some of the frivilous living and keep it "real"
- Friends -> try to stay in better touch w/ family and friends
- Love -> try to find a good girl
- Lifestyle -> drink less, exercise more
- Life -> be happy, enjoy everyday!

Specifics:
- Get to work by 9am. I work at a bank and shamefully.. i rarely get in by 9am. Official start time is 840am, but I often come in at 10am. This is going to burn me oneday.
- Read 1 book per quarter
- Stay focused on the type of girl I want to date and execute*(1).
- Get stuff done (GTD). Try not to procrastinate, when I see something to do, do it ASAP.
- Go to gym, join gym, go regularly. Try to do a small/simple 30min workout at home every night!
- Sleep 8hrs a night. Take medication to sleep if needed!

But this brings me to my other thought.. this year, 2010 is a pivotal one for me. I really think about it, and I believe this may be my last year (on earth? no but in Japan). I think by years end, I will move to HK (to live 1 more year abroad), or move back to North America.

In order to plan my exit, I have to focus.. I have to stay marketable in the job market, which will be a challenge depending where I want to live (ie, no banks in California if thats where I want to go). Its a big career year for me. If I don't get promoted then I have to think.. do I stay another year here? Even if I do get promoted I have to think.. what is my future plan?

I'm considering trying to go from line manager of the system I'm working on, to being a regional architect for the division. There is a global architect in LDN, so perhaps I can join that guys global team, and be local rep. Being a regional head of architecture and building a small highly technical team maybe a better option for me, esp if I want to escape back to America oneday! Plus I find I am not a great project management, I don't have the organizational skills for it.

Footnotes:
(1) -- Last 3 girls I dated: a) older admin (38?) who is a red-neck republican... too old, what am I doing, plus political/personality misfit. b) japanese gal who doesn't speak english, smokes, drinks alot, etc... c) chinese girl who speaks japanese but doesn't speak english, but had huuuuge breasts.... seriously I need to focus my efforts. I am looking for english speaker, age 27-33, nice, pretty, good family and values and non-psychotic!).

Journey to Whistler

2009-12-25T20:57:00.001-08:00

I went to Whistler alone. Yep its a long trek man.

Not as long as all but longer than most. The snow is great, mountian is superb. I highly recommend going but be in good shape. I could barely handle it by 3rd day I was dead. Boarding 6hrs a day is not easy on an old man like me.

For many this is an extravagent 5 day trip to take. For me, I have little purpose in life at the moment so its good to live free while I can. Clearly if I settle down then I can refocus at that time. I'm not totally unfocused now, but guess the idea of throwing down $3k just for kicks isn't such a big deal these days.

Hmmm my train of thoughts have all faded. Maybe the one thought I had is that I ponder if I will get married and have kids. Marriage is very likely, kids is getting to the edge of possibility. But its funny, when I think about it, my dad had me when he was 42. I must be following his pattern in which case I should prepare to die at 59 or so. Gives me about 23 more years, thats a pretty decent run.

Question is, will I regret not having a family? I wonder why its so difficult for me to think about whether I want a family or not. Going to Whistler and seeing the families and being its xmas, the family spirit is at its height and I can feel some urge, but its not the innate reproductive urge (well I have the urge to go thru the motions of reproduction but not the followthru) that many men feel. I ask around and many always wanted a family there was no doubt in their mind. For me maybe its due to my semi-screwy family and the lack of a stable home to really build upon? Are these excuses I wonder?

Anyways the point is, its not clear to me. I always, as far as I could remember thought I'd have kids if the wife wanted kids. I don't feel I'm particularly good w/ them so I wonder. But getting old and not having family around is also kinda depressing. But fear of loneliness and depression is a very foolish reason to have kids. Better to just get a dog maybe.

Anyways merry xmas!! I celebrated as usual with my coworkers at my usual bar. Yep thats the singleooo life.

My future and boarding

2009-12-04T09:29:00.000-08:00

Tonight was a rare Friday when I went home early.

I went to my usual bar.. but my usual crew weren't all there. There were some new girls to talk to but I didn't have the mojo. One was particular interesting.. Miwa I think, but alas I don't have the spirit and enthusiasm now to chase anyone down. Quite sad really.

At work I had some blowup that pissed me off and made me feel like this is bullshit not worth the stress and made me want to quit. Then found out I'm in a good spot to get promoted so I decided hey this is good shit.

I looked at Linked-In today.. looked at my prior company and people.. and I must say, there were alot of assholes at that company. I never worked at a place with so many people I didn't really care for. Really quite odd. There were definitely good people there and nice people, but there was enough bullshit that I didn't care for it. I'm glad I left. My current crew is way cool, I like the people, they like me, and it keeps me there. I do wish for some semblance of stability in life at work.. but work is never stable, its a transitional state of being. Life is the same.

"Why should I save a world I no longer have any stake in ?" -- Doctor Manhattan

Is this good

2009-11-12T08:39:00.000-08:00

I am slowly growing less technical. Its happened. I no longer can keep up, but thats okay maybe.

Being a developer is sometimes an easier job. Just just get specs and solve a solveable problem with design and creativity. There are simple rewards of getting it right.

But now I'm managing growing behemoth of a project that has 14 people on it. I come to work and have to think about what the heck everyone will be working on. Its not that easy let me tell you, coordinating 5 regions at the same time. Also having these users calling me regularly as the point person and demanding delivery fast, complaining how many people are working and why things take so long to do... I am getting crushed with it all. Recently I appointed 4 lead people to take on some of the responsibility but seems I am still running the show in detail. Phew...

Maybe this is good.. it definitely is a good experience. Going from managing nobody, or a small team, to a monster project.

Well I think its good. We all have to move forward. And I think this is forward for me.

The Meaning of the Monkey

2009-10-31T12:33:00.000-07:00

I met w/ my old friend Scotty the ex-banker while in HK. Let me tell you its going to be hard for me to relate to this guy soon. He's now CFO of a 600m$ public company and involved in acquiring companies and shit like that. Here I am developing random monitoring tools for traders. I find it a step that I can't quite comprehend. He's better off hanging w/ my brother the CFO. Shit I wonder if I'll get to the C** level. Closest I can get is coding C++.

But in the end, he has regular problems in life just like you or I. His GF and he don't get each other, and while engaged they got to the point of her or him moving out and saying farewell. Life is tough man. But I guess if you can make $500k+ a year + $500k+ a year in equity then you have 1 less thing to worry about!

The monkey is a big thing in life. I ponder the importance of Monkey, as do my friends.

In the end I think I can do w/o monkey but its what drives us all. The monkey... the man.. the madness.

In more interesting news I went to Macau this weekend as well. I stayed at Venetian. Many thing I am splurging and I wonder what people do w/ their money. But for me, if I'm on "vacation" I go 4-star/5-star and don't mess around. The incremental cost is worth it.

However I have decided to boycott Venetian Macau. The bastard manager at the Dim-Sum restaurant in Venetian casino pissed me off. I was arguing w/ the guy about the rice and he wouldn't remove it from my bill. Chinese dudes (no offense) are tight w/ money.. its true, they know how to make money. No feebies for sure!

Good news bad news

2009-10-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

Good news I realize I'm way over my SF gf at this point. Bad news is its due to my last gf. So I guess its true, new gf's transplant the prior one so its all about making new memories.

I do miss the ex-gf even though she was crazy and was of a bad breed I'd say. Its fundamentally problematic for all of us.. we like who we like and its out of control. I hear so many girls say "i can't find a man... i'm desperate" but in reality nobody is willing to go w/ someone they don't have the magic with. And if the magic is with a married person or someone who is an ass or dangerous you still go with it, because its like a drug, you want the magic so badly that you will sacrifice your dignity and at times your life to have it.

I have been there, and I know many girls (tend to be more emotionally driven) repeat the mistake over and over again.

Its humanity and many take advantage of this by playing the game -- to them I say as long as you are happy with way you live your life, then so be it. I am trying to live a life where I feel I'm doing the right thing and am a good guy (for the most part).

Anyways time will tell.

I am going to rebalance my portfolio and prepare for the big market correction. I may buy Jan '10 leaps (puts) to hedge myself.

Home sale / haters

2009-10-13T07:51:00.000-07:00

My unit sold for $580k I think.. I had a bastard downstairs neighbor who would always bitch about the noise even though it was just me. Holy shit wtf.. apt living sucks man. Actually I have never once heard my neighbor upstairs so I must live in a solid building. Or due to economy nobody lives upstairs.

Anyways the unit below sold, according to Zillow for like $540k. Haha!! you bastard thank you. Well he bought for like $200k back in 1990, but whatever you bitch, I'm sure it pains you to know I sold my condo for more!!!

Sometimes its fun being a hater.

Oh speaking of hating. Dating scene is hilarious.

My friend tells me he met a super cute girl and has a Friday date. he said when he met her, some other dude comes up and says how beautiful she is (basically what we, the single men, call "Cock Blocking" or CB). Geez people are such CB's.. can't give a dude privacy when he is working a lady.

Happens to everyone. I met this nail salon girl recently, and I was in the act of exchanging #'s via IR transfer and this DUDE I met just that night comes in and fully interrupts me to talk to me about random shit.. I'm like wtf you ass don't you see I'm at a critical moment of exchanging info... sigh.

At a housewarming, my female colleague finds it necessary to inject herself into conversations w/ the prettiest girls at the party. I think she too has some weird need to stop any action that doesn't include her... cause look man u got your female coworker around its kinda hard to work the magic. Man what a jacked up world!!!

Yep there are haters out there and rarely there are enablers.

Dating and Drunks (D&D)

2009-10-12T08:23:00.000-07:00

#1 First commentary on drinking.
Sat night a friend got drunk and he was out of control. First, he was grinding our friend on the dance floor, then bear hugging people, running around like a kid on the street, trying to ring doorbells at 2am, etc. For a while I was afraid he was going to get in trouble for sexual assault or something, definitely turned ugly. There are others who encounter this change of behavior while drinking.

It poses the question is it the true you, the uninhibited you, or some altered form? I believe its an altered form, but I suppose there is some of the uninhibited side that comes out. I like to think a person is himself when he's in balance and in control of what he wants to control and loose the way he normally is. If a drunk person exhibits violence does it mean they are violent inside? I'm not sure. I'm a little touchy/feely but sleepy when drunk, maybe thats the real me?

Don't let drinking ruin your life.

#2 I had decided to find a new girlfriend this weekend.
While this is ridiculous unless you are a pimp-daddy or super popular chap, in Tokyo its not too far off given the amount of single people. So I went on 1 date, met 2 other girls worthy of dating saturday night (called one of them earlier tonight to say hi), and finally got a belated response for another date which won't happen for a few weeks. So I have lined up my final 4 candidates in my short term goal of finding a new girlfriend.

I started to think I should just find someone even if its not a gem, because gems are rare are still flawed, its just that the flaws are better masked. Tombo suggested I go for quantity and in their find the quality. I'm going w/ whatever is available and seeing how it plays out. Is it desperate and am I feeling needy? Hmm... good question, there is definitely a fine line between being too picky and going for anything. I think I'd just say I'm being aggressive this month.

So we'll see. The current list are all girls who have jobs at least. One works for Adidas corporate, 1 has her own small business selling a cosmetic label, 2 work in finance at different companies.

I still find my ex-gf to be cuter than most, but I just have to think back to the terror...

Time and Space

2009-10-04T03:46:00.000-07:00

The indestructable man Dr. Manhattan from the Watchmen views time in some instantenous way, non-linearly. It means almost like he lives in a flashback and has little regard for past/present/future. Its not possible for us to comprehend what this means, but I can equate by thinking you would no longer be in touch w/ humanity, because part of humanity is mortality and not knowing when the end is.

I often wonder if people knew their final date on earth if they would live more free or with more worry. Would you attempt to enjoy the rest of your life, or would you worry more about the countdown and let it destroy you as a result?

In other thoughts -- long ago, the idea was to be a salary-man for a company, lawyer, doctor, engineer, or some white collar pro. I think with the way health care, retirement funds, and the economy has gone, the joke is on us white collar folk because the blue (and light blue) collar guys are really the ones w/ the best benefits. Ie, if you are a fireman, policeman, or civil servant, you have great lifetime benefits that nowadays far outweigh corporate benefits. Military men also have it well. I used to sit at my white collar desk at Big-Oh and etc and laugh at grunt low paying jobs like school teachers, and city workers, etc.. but 20 years from now when my health insurance costs me $4,000 a month I won't be laughing...

Then again nobody is safe in todays world. You just have to take care of yourself regardless of whatever you are doing.

Finding yourself

2009-09-27T09:39:00.000-07:00

I read Po Bronson's famed book on finding your passion and I often recommend it to people. It doesn't solve anything or attempt to give you the answers which is the brilliant thing about the book. It is simply a way to connect w/ others on this planet and feel you are not alone in your search.

Now this may not help you find yourself and your career though, but it at least lets you realize its common to struggle w/ your goals in life. In this regard being married having a baby, etc is easier because sure, while you sit at midnight while the family is sleeping and ponder what else you could have done w/ your life, you really don't have a choice. My old manager said this too.. that even at his level he doesn't really have many choices, he goes where the family needs to, where the job takes you, etc.

Its only people like me who are truly free. But freedom comes at a price of being lonely. Not in a sad pathetic way, but in a zen kind of way, because to be truly free you cannot have things holding you back and limiting your freedom.

Anyways the actual topic was around him keeping w/ the bank job, or going to start a business in some sense. I said for me, I'm a corporate man. I'm better just sitting back collecting a paycheck and taking my 4 weeks vacation a year. I think it all depends.. if you are making $50k/yr then yes you should take a shot at starting something. At $250k a year, one would have to think hard at what you can do to make the same money w/ little risk and less stress.

Tonight I will try to sleep and start the week fresh.

Next steps

2009-09-27T08:35:00.000-07:00

For now I have a few goals.

1) Get promoted, get to next level of career path
2) Save a bit of money / invest
3) Enjoy life find new passions
4) Stay healthy, get healthier.
5) Find new girl

I think thats the order I will try to do it in.

Let me review this list in a few weeks and see how i'm progressing.... there is another 6 months till promotion cycle so I need to focus. God damn.. work is tough.

The Magnum of Love's Destination

2009-09-23T05:07:00.000-07:00

I consider myself fortunate -- I've been through various types of relationships.

Yep, I've been in the boring and simple, the naughty and difficult, and etc etc. While I am happy to be have been fortunate to explore these lives I can say I am not sure now if settling down is right. Things change all the time.. can I really be happy forever w/ someone, esp given the ugly side of people I've seen in my past few relationships? Well.. maybe I'll meet a less selfish and more giving type of person. But in Tokyo.. I have my doubts.

One thing I was talking to Gae-Ho about is how he has such a simple lifestyle. He lives in his small apartment w/ his new wife and while they could upgrade and buy a house or bigger apt, they choose to live simple because it gives them the ability to travel and do other things rather than just worry about mortgage/rent. Well done.

I must say I'm the opposite. I'm creating an environment for myself that is getting more and more frivilous and expensive as the years progress. Lets see my rent is like over $4,000 a months now, I started hiring a bi-weekly cleaning lady ($60 per visit), and am thinking of weekly tennis lessons which are about $90.

I need to recalibrate my life oneday. I'm like 36 now. Holy shit. To some this is the primetime of life. To me, it could be, but I gotta get into shape or something to really enjoy it. Been working non-stop recently and its killing me.

Failure

2009-09-11T17:24:00.001-07:00

Damn, i had an interview 3rd round at this bank.. and I failed ! I actually did pretty well in the end.. so my theory is.. i misplayed it a bit. Its actually a slight step down for me anyways, so i guess if I wanted it, I needed to downplay the management tasks I have and play up the hands on hardcore developer/architect portion. My strategy was to play both and hope they will be okay with (a) paying me alot, (b) maybe revising the role to fit me (ie, bigger role), rather than have me move a bit down.

In the end, I'm not sure if that was wise or what. I do realize though if you move up the chain.. then the opportunities are less and less. If you are a developer you are generic but in high demand because a project needs just 1 architect or lead, but maybe 5 developers. The sole proj manage/lead/architect can scale bigger as well, but you can never have enough good developers.

It makes me wonder if I should stay super technical or not. Life as a simple engineer is maybe happiest.

I kind of like management in the sense that its leadership but you don't actually do anything. You just set the plan and make decisions. I'm getting better at decision making. I'm also getting better at being strict about deliverables. My hawaii attitude makes it such that I am "whatever goes" and that doesn't make my managers and user happy.

Back Online.

2009-09-06T08:49:00.000-07:00

I gotta end this blog soon... i think.

I looked at my financial picture. I am now at about the same net asset value as september 2007. So 2 years were lost. If I didn't take an enourmous hit on a few bad trades I guess I would be in pretty damn good shape financially since the market didn't recover those loses, I put money in from saving! Instead I'm doing OK financially.

I guess not quitting is a good idea. I must milk this cash cow until the bitter end. 2-3 more years of this and maybe I can break the next plateau.

But in the end, is money important? It wasn't, so I was blowing cash fast. But now I think it is important again. Funny when I was gonna marry someone with virtually $0 to their name it didn't matter much maybe I was blinded? but I still don't think it matters that much because in the end if you are compatible you would have the same ideas on life and money shouldn't be an issue.

My Next Move

2009-09-04T18:45:00.001-07:00

Its amazing I was able to keep my work going during my months of trauma w/ the ex-gf.

Now I am a bit more focused and suddenly I have like 10 people on this project I am in charge of. I can barely keep above water now, I dont know how I did it before. So I guess I should focus, right now my project people are not working directly for me, but it is a step towards managing my own team. Right now though managing 10 fricking people in different regions on a project is way more work than managing a team of 3 which is what I would prefer to do.

Anyways I think back to the ex-gf Miss Korea at times. Was it clear from the start that it was trouble? I think so.. lack of reasonableness and ability to compromise and discuss things. Some things she didnt like and that was final, she didnt like it. I think I tried too hard to smooth things over because I never had an unreasonable gf before. But in the end, some people cannot be reasoned with, and that problem never goes away. Another obvious sign is her poor relationship with her parents.

The good things were that I thought she was adorable, good cook, clean, and yes she was a porn star in bed. I think the adorable and porn-star qualitities are dangerous ones to bank a relationship on. People all get old and lose cuteness. Peoples sexual drives also change. What you can rely on is their good nature, good values, and family upbringing.

Anyways I will clearly seperate the LT potential from the trash going forward. Will try not to mess w/ the trash, but I am in a trashy town so its hard to sort it out.

This is Saturday. I gotta go get a new cell phone! Wooo... shop your way to happiness?? There was an article on how trauma/stress incites more spending on lavish items. I maybe will buy a $10,000 rolex next.

Life and Consequences

2009-08-30T01:01:00.000-07:00

Breaking news is .. I am not getting married.

In the end it was a nightmare decision.. I always knew it. But somehow its easy to ignore the truth at times and be too positive or think that things will better later on.. but in reality things take time to change.

Anyways I need to end this blog as it is the end of another phase of life. I can:t comment exactly on what this phase meant to me. I would consider it the post-GB phase of 3 years during which i had alot of short relationships, and one semi-long relationship with a psychopath that one could say trapped me into getting married using terrorist tactics. Its a really sad story, but the details dont really belong here so I will leave it to the readers imagination.

For now I am back to square one!!

My Life

2009-07-24T05:03:00.000-07:00

I must update that my life is going to change soon.

I'm excited about it but quite shocked and disturbed that my greedy little world is coming to an end. But what will I miss most and miss least?

Will I miss dating and romping around? Absolutely not, I hated dating. Girls are bitches and superficial and its a monkey-show trying to date in a town like this. What is a monkey show..? I dont know but girls want you to entertain them like a monkey which is what I mean. Rarely you meet a quality girl.. like my coworker Baka, but they are rare indeed.

Will I miss traveling to HKG and Macau and living that life? Yes yes.. but again it was emptiness at the end of the day. Empty abandon of gambing, smoking, drinking, etc.. it lacked meaning and substance and while I loved it, I did it quite a bit. I can move on.

Will I miss the personal freedom? Yes, that is what I fear. Especially because I have a draconian wife to be. How I deal with this truly define my existance. I must have clear strategy in mind so that I can have some balance in life.

Will I miss spending carelessly? Yes, but honestly I was wasting money on random crap so its good if we can focus. Question is if wife will focus !?

Will I miss coming home to silence? I'm not sure. At times I like to come home to nothing.. and other times I like coming home to my gf. I hope to enjoy coming home to baby/child.

Do I look forward to growing up? I guess I'm 36 its about time.

End of this chapter ??

Apt found - money disappearing.

2009-07-21T06:41:00.000-07:00

I finally found an apartment. Its amazing what living in tokyo will do to you. I went from living in a big 1000ft 1br w/ den in the snobtop SF heights to living in 700ft^2 which is considered big in tokyo where I am. I found a place which is about 1280ft^2 as my next destination, at quite a chunk of change but in theory its just a bit over my budget if I factor in typical % of gross for housing. My formula to justify is this:

progressive tax rate between 9mm-18mm yen is 33% fed, and 10% state. So you are looking at a whopping 43% tax rate in that 6-figure zone. At 18mm+ its 40% + 10% or 50% ! Highest in the world as you approach $200k. Anyways I pay rent pre-tax, so it occurs to me.. if rent comes off the top, then I'm saving rent*taxrate, or effectively paying rent * (1-rate). So rent a $4k place? I could imagine I'm paying $4k*.57 = $2280. Hmmm but in the end its still a ripoff!

But see the theory, more you spend on rent, the more you save!?

If I ever move back to the US I will get the big dream house... like our old friend Kawaker once had. But maybe I'd grow sick of it quickly like many do.

Anyways I had this interesting conversation w/ a fellow I work w/ who is 4 years older and 1 rank higher. We wuz talking about buying a house and it surprised me how he said even 10% down payment would be tough as well as monthly mortgage... Hmmm he outranks me I can't imagine he's making less, so is it just BS or what?

It could be BS becuase even my sister tells me she's net negative every month but its a joke because she's net negative after socking 40% of her money into investment/savings. duh....

I missed out on $50k of gains in the market due to inaction. Or you could say I prevented myself from losing $25k ? Hahaha

Budgets

2009-07-18T09:17:00.000-07:00

I'm doing my budget now.

I will now begin the phase of life where I obsess over budgeting the minutia of my life. Quite sad really. But analysis of spending patterns is key.

I realize at this point in life I don't spend any money on stuff. M major monthly expenses:
- haircut $75 (listen this is tokyo...)
- lunch $15
- coffee break/breakfast daily $6
- transit to/from work (taxi + train) $20
- misc shopping, clothing, etc are amortized in some way but not typical spend.

So basically I spend $41 a day or avg to $1200 a month. Quite high compared to days of old but again this is the hell hole grind of Tokyo.

I don't know what my gf spends money on, I need to dig into her budget w/ some more scrutiny. Many of these girls are so irresponsible w/ money.... they don't know themselves.

I'm re-budgeting because I'm looking at renting a new apartment. Rents are down on the high end > $4k. Below $4k is down 10% at most because its still a feasible range for most. >$4k was only expat and those contracts are far and few between these days.

Marriage Hunter

2009-07-17T05:02:00.000-07:00

My friend posted this article
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20090712/lf_afp/lifestylejapansocietymarriagepopulation;_ylt=AtH0wGQUh2WcOpdwRIbnSSoDW7oF

About marriage hunting. Its true, Japan is a weird place. I find a few things of interest:
- Some people get married just to get married because its time or want a baby.
- Many people get married just to anyone who makes money (same anywhere maybe).
- There is a mad dash at 26-28 to hurry up, because after 30 you are old news.
- Most of the unmarried population of females is (to be brutally frank) unattractive. Any hot girl has many suitors. (Conversely populate of single men are not exactly rich).

These marriage parties or meeting parties (called kompa or gokon -- arranged by friends of friends usually in packs of 2-on-2 or 5-on-5) are prevalent in the society since aggressive western behavior of hunting for your mate at a local bar is not acceptable conduct. So outside work and school.. you have only one option but to go to meeting parties!

But same thing anywhere.. good stuff is in demand. Just as a hotshot good looking investment banker is in demand, so is any girl who has a nice body and face to match --they aren't going to marry anyone. I see it everyday at the local bar and the gokon events I've gone to... desperate females.. but all pretty unattractive. Occasionally a pretty gal comes by, but they have their standards set beyond the reach of mere mortals like us.

My gf once told me.. her guy friends would say, hey don't you have any friends you can intro me to? So she would bring a single friend who is pretty unattractive and they would say... "uh you don't have any friends more like.. like you??" -- and she basically concluded all her friends who are single at this age (30) are not too attractive. Such a superficial world we live in.

Its a sad game we all play in the big cities like this. I envy those who find true love.

Money

2009-07-13T11:04:00.000-07:00

I am obessive about money, but I think I am also just selfish about it.

Though I think I'm fairly responsible about it.. now that I am getting married, I have to support the family but in my case since I have a housewife I have to pay for her as well which is a different thing than I'm used to. No matter the case it is hard to imagine giving someone allowance.

But there are really 3 scenarios which all my married friends concur with on the right one. Take a guess.

1) Share the money, let wife have open access to accounts and be responsible.
2) Give wife allowance w/ enough to let her save some money for whatever she wants.
3) Give wife tight allowance and have her ask for big purchases.

For some reason its rare that (1) works or maybe my friends have irresponsible wives. but I think woman are just different.. they like to shop. Its a well known problem. They also don't realize the money tree doesn't grow on its own and has an end if you keep drawing from it.

Anyways my sister said you should spend 27.5% on housing at the most. Okay I spend 22.5% housing (Gross). But then she said save 30% gross, and I said hmmm that sounds high! I was looking at 30% net instead of gross.

Oh well all this thinking can create bad blood. Live free!!!

Unfortunately the "live free" idea fails in the face of marriage and kids. I need a new motto.

New Blog ?

2009-07-05T07:53:00.001-07:00

I may start a new blog called... life with a Japanese Wife.
coming soon

Tales of what weird things they do.....

Today i mentioned the mean income in japan is ~43k $USD and she said omg are you crazy??? and i said uh.. yeah, you don't realize the typical person is poor in almost all countries. You are in the top 5% of living conditions in the nation, and top 2% worldwide. You gotta go visit africa sometime baby.

Anyways she heard some myth that 10% of the Japanese population makes more than $150k, and I said hmm I don't think so. metric I heard/read is that top 3 or 6% make > $75k. Couldn't find demographics.

She was shocked.

Work Ponderance

2009-06-12T21:18:00.000-07:00

I ponder the question.. is going into management really a value add to my bottom line?

I need to get data.. like are managers making more money or are some developers doing better? I am thinking maybe I'm a well paid developer so that a step into a minor management role is not going to get me much money per-se... not until sr. management when the bucks really start rolling in.

So given the added stress to manage a team and own a product, is it worth it? Am I going to make.. what $10k more or $20k more? bah.. for the extra 20hrs a week plus stress etc. Gotta wonder man.

Yes I am a bit stressed at work. Lotta bullshit have to deal with on my quest to make $500k a year.

But in reality maybe I don't need that much money. I think I just need like $1mm cash to put down on a house then I'm good. For a decent Tokyo house we are looking at $1.4mm. God damn, this sucks living in expensive places. Same predicament in SF, where I guess $1.2mm will do for a decent place (last time I looked). But in SF interest rates are 6.5% for jumbo, so a loan on $800k is the same as a loan on $1.2mm @ 1.5% in Japan. Interesting eh??

I ponder I coul move to a cheap town -- but then the pay sucks and its cheap for a reason (like nobody wants to really live there). Total catch-22 dude... wtf can I do.

The key is to stop wanting and just live free.

Ponderence

2009-05-31T03:14:00.000-07:00

Really thinking I will settle down soon. I'm too damn tired. I went out w/ my friend last week and damn he is money. He picks up a new girl just like that. He's a super nice guy but seriously this gal was totally into him and has chased him down to her house and back to his house. I don't get that kinda play, its so annoying. haha.. not a reason to settle down, but just goes to show single life aint all that!

I have maybe one last urge left in life though.. and its a tough one. Tough call tough call.. getting old and am tired. I find going out for a few kicks on Sunday I'm tired by 8pm and want to go home and rest.

Anyways my GF is a good housewife and mom material. Sure don't make money but I guess I can support the family, what else am I living for? Hmmmm just have that one last itch at work.... Also the problem of where to work and live long term troubles me. But shit thats troubled me for years its not going to change.

Same old shit same old shit

2009-05-17T05:22:00.001-07:00

Is it the same old shit to do the Vegas trip every year?

And then the same old shit to do the HKG trip every year?

Yes its hard to say.. if we truly need to keep re-inventing ourselves and coming up w/ new shit to do, or if the same old shit is really good

So I been to HKG and Macau like what 5 times now. Hmm its fun, gambling, smoking, drinking, etc.. lots of fun. But I look around there are 2 major types of people. The young kids and the old men who are probably married. Then there is the 3rd type which potentially me, which is the dude who has no wife and no gf and has nothing better to do with his time and money but to gamble and shit. So is that my life?

Hmmm I ponder it. I think the problem is that I'm 36 now, and I mostly hang w/ people 23-32 so a bit younger shade. Peer group is critical to the urge to merge.

Another thing is that I realize having money makes being single alot easier. Not having to worry about anything financially helps. Although it doesn't exactly help me get closer to any goal of buying a $1mm house or anything since I'm fairly unfocused on spending. I don't think I'm tracking my spending much nowadays. I imagine I'd be shocked at the amounts I pay for stuff like travel, food, and taxi. Oh well.. I figure if I do settle down that part will come under control in a natural way. If I'm single then no need to worry about myself so much.

Anyways life continues forward!! slowly anyways.

Let me think about it.. as I go to T's wedding I'll ponder marriage and kids for myself.

Sun is gone!

2009-04-20T04:33:00.000-07:00

Wow that is so weird..

I worked at ORCL then PSFT then SUN...
and now I really just worked at ORCL after they bought eveyrone else

I guess its good for my long term resume. Now I can fold all these companies into one. Looks like I worked 4 yrs at the same place.

3.5yrs Oracle, 2yrs Sybase, 3.5 yrs HPQ.

My life would be cleaner if Barclays bought Lehman, then I could say I worked at Barclays for now 4 years..

Maybe if you work long enough all the companies out there fold into each other.. so eventually we'll all be working for the government or for China.

Cost of having a stay at home wife

2009-04-18T18:07:00.000-07:00

Travel to US for 1 week, total cost estimate: $7,000 -- due to discusions w/ tom i decided to do an inventory since i was sure it was not close to 10k, i thought closer to 5k at first.

Big ticket items:
Airfare 1420 (Intl) + 200 (LA-SF) + 500 (LV)
Hotels 400 (Vegas) +600 (OC)
Vegas spa, golf, dining 1500
Car 300 (OC)
Dinner, dining, drinks, disneyland, etc.
Minor shopping -- did not buy anything really.

Yep you can pretty much cut that in half if you are single ! Why? One thing.. if you are single you can just sleep on somebody's couch.

In this economy blowing $7k here and there maybe not wise.

I'm going to Macau in 2 weeks though there goes another $5k !

Vegas Dreams

2009-04-18T02:17:00.001-07:00

Is it the case of marginal utility value, ie, loss of value of doing the same thing over and over again, or have we changed, or did the event change?

Vegas 2009 was fun, but not as fun as 2007 or 2008. For me it was because I took the GF along which slows life down for me. Lesson learned....

But it was fun to see the gang, mixing golf into the mix was a great idea for sure.

I learned that.. Wynn rooms are nice, but not as nice as Palazzo and not as nice as Venetian Macau. I may try to stay at Wynn Macau and see how it compares so I can properly survey the world.

Otherwise the usual GF drama ensues.

Why must I ponder?

2009-03-15T01:14:00.001-07:00

atago shrine. new year you go to pray to the gods. i should have a lucky year so they say.

I know I am a ponderer. I ponder my every move and intent and have a hard time coming to terms with things that others do so fluidly. The simplest thing like buying a Talkabout Radio for me involves:

Price comparison shopping
Feature comparison
Reading reviews
Technology understanding of what I'm buying

Thus.. no purchase is so simple. Is it the engineer inside me that must do all this or some weird paranoia that i'm going t make the wrong decision?

While at times I do rash things -- this type of over scrutinizing and over hedging behavior extends into my personal life. At work I lament if the direction I'm heading is the right one, and with my relationship I ponder what I really want out of life in general.

GF situation is quite nice, she's a sweet gal, cute, and has a fun personality. I think in the past I have flipped and flopped about a housewife type of mate and a working mate. I think most have some preference one way or the other -- in TK its hard to find a working mate because most girls dont have a real job, so their ambitions are also aimed elsewhere.

I have a 40/41 yo buddy who laments this a bit, but his feeling is to head towards marriage w/o the kids component. He wants to be healthy, travel, surf, ski, and live a quality high-end 50th floor executive condo lifestyle. I am good w/ this idea as well, but I know deep down that its an incomplete version of life to not have the family component.

However, what completes a life is not the same for all. So thats for each to decide on their own. For me, I've always had this laize-faire stance in life.. if i get married I get married, if I have kids I have kids.. if not whatever. I think this type of attitude has caused me to be where I am, for good and for bad. Overall I'm doing pretty well, but as I near 40 I feel some kind of pull on me to finally make some decisions in life and go for it.

Thats really the hard part.. deciding. I'm in a world of hedging. Take a bet, but don't bet the farm. Always have an out. Hehe.

Anyways the concrete story in this all is:

1. GF is moving in. Like now -- this weekend !

2. I am (hopefully) being groomed for middle management at work as of now.

Lotta stuff changing. Having GF at home is good now that I'm hell busy at work. I can finally take a step and re-focus on my career. The last 2-3 years after my last GF I've been in limbo just trying to enjoy life and not really caring about work/career. Its about time I think.

Wow

2009-03-03T08:58:00.000-08:00

Wow Dow under 7000... world is coming to a halt.

I noted I am down 28% in my managed IRA since I funded it. My advisor should be shot. But I guess she is beating the index (which is what -40%?). Does that make one happy to hear they are beating the index by some margin.. but ultimately losing money?

Hmmm.... pfft

On dating front, I am maybe going to let the gf move into my apt.... i think there are many red flags here. What the heck am I doing.. ?

Star Wars

2009-02-11T09:02:00.001-08:00

Its some national holiday today to celebrate the first Japanese Emperor.

Guess what theme they have roaring on some right-wing demostrator's audio systems as propaganda engines roar down the street? The theme song from Star Wars for the empire, like when vader and the evil empire are on the screen.. "dum dum dee dum dum dee dum dum..." you know which one right?

Thats so weird. First off... this is not a japanese song. Hello its from Lucas, Star Wars, American... the other evil empire. Second, hello its like playing the nazi them song, the empire was evil, did these guy watch and understand Star Wars at all??

Weird man... funny but weird.

All Hail Japanese Racism

2009-02-06T01:14:00.000-08:00

I don't think I have any true japanese friends and the one I kind of have is married to a non-japanese person so its probably okay to talk about this hot topic.

It comes up because my gf's family is hypocritical group of racists. They aren't too happy w/ their daughter dating people from the group of Chinese, Korean, and Taiwanese. Apparently they wouldn't be happy w/ white or black, but perhaps less unhappy. The whole thing doesn't make any sense, obviously it has to do w/ the imperialist days when Japan controlled these asian countries, but does it make any sense that those who were slave-owners should be more resentful than those who were slaves?

I suppose its the same as black-n-white america. Blacks should be (and are) unhappy but sure enough the white supremicsts are the ones trying to keep their white-race clean by not dating "down" w/ the black people. And seems the Japanese have the same idea of not dating "down" w/ races of formerly conquered and enslaved koreans and chinese. Geez its sad to think someone I'd meet has family as old minded and primative as this... but I think I'm not aware of just how stale in "tradition" and closed thinking Japan is.

Well thats why the gaijin come to this country and (figuratively) rape and pillage it for all its worth and bag out once their contacts are done. Its fun to play, but when it comes down to it, this country has tradition and mentality locked in from thousands of years ago, and its hard to break the mold. There are definitely very progressive families out there, but the #'s are less than the norm it'd seem.

Yep thats the type of stress I have for no reason. Just annoys me and makes me feel sorry for these people who have parents who are so controlling. My cousin is dating a girl whose family seems the same way. So restrictive.. that they have no choices. Then the parents get on their back about not getting married. Its like, wtf?? You told me to break up w/ all the guys I wanted to marry of course nobody is left. Lightning doesn't strike 3 times for most people.

Illness and all

2009-02-05T17:40:00.000-08:00

I must get a cold 2x a year nowadays.

I wonder what is up. My japanese physical was mostly good, but I had elevated levels of triglycerides and CPR (c-reactive proteins). the CPR is likely due to have a stomach flu the week before and slightly during my physical. Triglycerides mean I am too fat but exercise can fix that.

But I think.. I am a sickly boy for sure. I wonder how to improve ones immune system. Or I have AIDS. Its possible. I always figure I will die young, thus I should live it up more.

Being so sick and away from work is quite bad... messing up my reputation. Of course I'm here dying at the J-bank so the future at this place is questionable anyways. So all in all, I take it step by step, day by day. No big deal.

Other deeps thoughts.. not so much. I ponder the gf situation. While I really like her and enjoy the downtime of being at home and living a peaceful life w/ her, I wonder if once bitten by the big city lights is it not possible to go back to suburb style living? I do have the urge to go out, party, etc... and this disturbs her quite a bit. The catalyst for many fights.

For me I'm almost 36.. 36 this month. Still single. While not depressing, its not ideal. I suppose we all had our options back in the days, and we are where we are due to lack of foresight, action, and due to random circumstance. Only thing we can do is look forward from now. And at the moment I am not sure what direction is up.

Complainer

2009-01-26T07:32:00.001-08:00

Admittedly I'm a complainer.

In this age, people are lucky to have a job period.

Here I sit on my throne and ponder why I should bother coming into to work at all.

Yes... I sit here, waiting for a layoff and my April bonus while others suffer.

Do I deserve to have the easy life? Now don't get me wrong, I don't have an easy life by any means, but clearly I am not suffering.

Should I feel the suffering of others more and help them in order to reach enlightenment?

Am I spouting off senseless nonsense that is a collection and intermingling of various movies and TV shows I've seen in my past ?

Do biore men's strips really do anything useful or are they excessively removing stuff from pores?

Tis the mysteries of life.

living life

2009-01-12T23:54:00.000-08:00

In Kabukicho, you can buy condoms in giant size boxes, in S,M,L,LL sizes!

Black charred ramen. Quite good ramen here but you must venture out and look. I am beginning to think I need to get a car, or at least get a license so I can rent a car regularly.

This weekend I did domesticated life with Miss Korea. We went to Costco and IKEA, stayed home and moped about. On Sunday I admit I wondered to myself whether this is the life I am ready for.. doing nothing at home... its weird, I think w/ my last gf, I got sick of going out and wanted to just stay home and do nothing on the weekend, but I think she wanted to do more stuff. Now have the tables turned??

Hmmm... not sure.

Oh well, at least I have a job for now.

Fallout

2009-01-11T17:26:00.000-08:00

The end is near for my company's way of life. We are all moving out of our offices soon to a new location, to be hardcore Japanese people and live the samurai way!

For now, I am starting to get busy after numerous re-orgs.. above is what a power-developers desk looks like. 4 monitors (2 x19", 2 x17"), and a bloomberg terminal next to me (2 x 19").. it creates envy amongst others in IT, so it is a rare sight to have such a lavish setup. In my case, our office is abandoned so scaveging parts is fine.

2009 bodes to be interesting.

Spent the weekend sick at home. I discovered I can still have sex while having a cold.

Seoul Fun

2009-01-05T04:36:00.003-08:00

So I went to Seoul. Miss Korea knows her way around these joints which is good.

Seoul is fun, many reasons. Food is outstanding and cheap as hell. Kalbi/bbq for 2 w/ beer is like $20-25 nowadays due to the exchange rates. I bought a fake D0lce&Gabana scarf for $5, cheap gloves for $1. Awesome stuff. Taxi's are cheap too. 4-star hotels $140, 5-star $190. Smell of kimchee is everywhere though god dammit.

My cousin Steve-o was telling me how he also has trouble finding a good mate. he's 40 now so he realizes its harder since the girls he's dating are late 20's early 30's and many have problems of past relationships, etc. The latest girl is an actress and she has problems of being depressed due to the lack of her career going anywhere.

On the flip side, he's dating a hot 28 yo model for god's sake! He also has 7 pairs of Ferragamo shoes, so he is money. Grass is always greener.. I'm sure the married folks who found their mates younger in life have some days when they ponder what it'd be like to be free... and let me tell you, I did when I was in a LT relationship. And now that I'm single, I envy those who found someone early in life before life battered their impressions of humanity and made them haters.

Then again, some are just haters by nature, and some love life. Just need to find people who love life. Come to think Miss Korea doesn't seem to love life much, thats one of the problems with her.

And now work comes to fruition.. big bosses seem to have a new role for me.... and its in Tokyo! Hmmmm I thought I was moving to HK?? Oh well live has a way of rerailing the best laid plans. Haha.

Circular Tendancies and the Vision

2008-12-28T07:32:00.000-08:00

Admittedly I must be wary not to repeat my past blogs. Age does this.. I find myself repeating myself alot in terms of blog points or even stories to random friends. I forget whom I've told what stories to. I'm getting old. Thats my excuse and I'll stick w/ it.

Honestly I do ponder if age is a real issue here, or if its just an excuse to avoid learning things. I have pretty much avoided properly learning more Japanese and learning Chinese, stating age as a barrier to learning new stuff quickly. Is it true? I believe it is.. but I don't know, I think its somewhat a matter of dedication and effort -- my desire is just not there for some of what I think I want to learn.

Anyways, I have this vision of myself at times that I wanted to share. Its interesting because the vision of oneself, or ones perception is often so different from reality that it is shattering. There are probably some psychological roots to this idea of self-image. I'm not saying I have a confidence problem or image problem, its more of the image/vision of my productivity in life. I visualize myself doing more with my idle time than just bumming around, mindlessly surfing the web, playing occasional games, etc.

I've come to believe in the idea of Time vs Money. The key is how much free money you have and how much free time. As you grow up, you have lots of time (in my day I did), but no money. As a college student imagine if you had money.. what a life you could have had. Then you start working and slowly building up equilibrium of having a bit less time but more money. Hit 27 you are probably at the peak in terms of free time (not too busy at work yet, not married), and money (no family so low expenses). Then most buy a house, get married, etc so your free time and free cashflow rarely increases much. More you make, the more kids you have, bigger house, etc, so you are perpetually in the same economics.

The kicker is when you don't get married and don't buy houses you wind up in this weird flux state of having too much free money and too much free time on your hands. You see, I don't know if people were meant to live like this, but people do. And as time moves on in singledom and your career progresses that free time + free money gap increases and then the next thing you know you are a serial killer due to the excesses in life.

Hhaah, okay that was a bit extreme an ending to this entry. I just saw "American Psycho" starring Chris Bale (aka Batman) so it had its influence.

Anyways, back to the topic.. I have a vision of myself doing something more productive. Working hard, making a difference, studying more, working out more, etc. But in the end, I wind up wasting my excess time and money. Why is that?

Sorrow on my deathbed

2008-12-20T19:36:00.000-08:00

I've been sick last few days. I think during these days of illness is when I am at the weakest mentally. I tend to think about sorrowful things and being lonely the most when I'm ill. Anyways at work we got our bonus #'s and wow they are about the same as last year, so bull market baby! With usd2jpy dropping to historic lows.. what else could play to my advantage?? But due to massive investment losses I cannot say I'm all that excited about my financial prospects.

Anyways during the deathly period I thought about what I will do with my life. I swear I think about this a lot. Haha.. I'm forever playing around I guess. Thats what my latest girlfriend thinks, I like playing... hmm really?

The Easy Life 2

2008-12-15T05:32:00.000-08:00

Yeah its the easy life for me. Just got a 10% bonus for doing nothing, basically the company cashed out our retirement plan so bamn, instant money for nothing and at a rate of 90 jpy2usd. Later this week we get our bonus #'s.. and due to our bankruptcy, who knows but i may get money for doing nothing while most companies are laying people off left and right.

I'm sure the only other guy doing really well is my 'Hou compadre since Ogamanation has struck and he is a grad of this prestigious rich kid prep school. That school will probably flourish more to create more elitist while a few hundred other schools will fail. But hey we are not a socialist economy so more power to the powerful right?

So for me, I ponder the fundamental rational of life and love. I think I find myself at odds with myself and my current situation esp the girlfriend. I think the biggest problem is being in a town like Tokyo means any girl who is half hot, or full hot, or 1.5x hot finds herself with men hitting on them at all times. Sure this happens in Hawaii I found, as while on vacation my gf was approached like on a daily basis by some random dude trying to talk to her while I was not at close guardian proximity, but I guess in Hawaii the dudes are mostly bums. In Tokyo the dudes are wealthy men who offer the girls apartments, cars, rolex watches etc. I compare notes w/ my coworker who has this same issue.. his gf has men propositioning them with lavish gifts as well.

I guess my point is that it comes down to trust. I must say, its the fundamentally most important thing in a relationship, to have full and utmost trust in your partner. So much that you are willing to put your life in their hands. You can never positively know what your partner has in mind, so having the faith is so important.. I can't stress it enough.

My problem it seems is I don't know if I can trust this girl yet. And I guess she doesn't trust me yet from my last conversation w/ her.. its somewhat of the problem of living in a town like Tokyo where everyone is cheating and having casual sex is as common as eating ice cream on the street. The game is different here. In the end I wonder if I am letting lust overwhelm me in this relationship....

Holiday fun, work was busy, and life rolls around

2008-12-13T02:21:00.000-08:00

2008 closes soon.. what have I really done this year? I think I had fun. Wow I had fun in 2007 so I think I'm having alot of fun, but whats it really for?

I went to Hawaii w/ the girl I'm dating. Why? I don't know.. I think a) I have time, b) work is boring, and c) I want to quickly find out if this girl is worth investing time in. While going to Hawaii costs money, time is money too, and I thought it'd be nice to spend a week together to get to know each other in rapid fashion. In the end, I am not that certain but I had a great time and felt we get along quite well... but alas, there are always problems so life is never perfect.

Oh btw wtf is w/ the beachfront in Hawaii.. its shrinking. Water levels are rising. This is weird. I am waiting for HNL real estate to collapse... can it really hold it together while the world crashes? Where is the economy/money in Hawaii.. ? The boom of japanese tourism is all but gone, only chinese, aussies, and canadians and your occasional cheap american.

More on the gf later...

For work, soon as I return I have the big boss asking where I am and wants to meet w/ me like right away. So I find out that.. I'm not laid off, but instead moved to a diff project that has some dudes leaving. Waaaa.. so its interesting I spent ~6 months in MBS, ~6 months in Credit, and now maybe I'll spend the next 6 months in Rates. Then off to FX, and who knows what else.

A bit of brilliant news at work.. seems if we survive like 5 more days we are guaranteed a bonus payout even if we get laid off. In 5 days we supposedly get communicated our bonus #'s so at that point it'll be locked in. Looks like I'm locked into a good half year of pay on the downside if I get laid off, not bad.

Life is easy, I admit it. I have the easiest life.... such a shame.

My Future

2008-11-24T10:04:00.001-08:00

I haven't thought about my future much of late..

Right now the job situation is bad, but at least I'm employed for now. I am under pressure to move to HK very soon, so we have to see about that.. while I was looking forward to it, I don't know if I'm quite ready yet, and don't know if I am as excited post collapse of my company. Also I am dating a new girl now.. and while I can't say she is a keeper, I guess its tough to plan to move and keep integrity about the situation... lots of gaijin come here,take on a gf, knowing they are going to abandon them eventually. I can't do that, but honestly I don't know what the future is. Its so easy to just enjoy the day to day and not think about tomorrow.

Same with work, I enjoy the day to day shnangenans of doing nothing all day but eventually this will catch up to me, and that day is coming very soon I think.

An observation to note is that Tokyo is quite liberal about sex. I toured the "love hotel" area of Ebisu on a Tues night and was shocked that at 9pm was like 90-95% occupied (admittedly Ebisu doesn't have enough capacity compared to Shibuya or Shinjuku). But damn on a Tues night that many people are having sex? I find this sooo weird... but again this is a city where lots of HS girls are prostituting themselves at BJ bars, sex clubs, or etc. Seems if their friends are doing it then its okay, so its become quite acceptable by many to do these gigs for a short while. I guess thats the diff, most girls here prob work in the pink/sex industry for a few years and then move on, as opposed to the crack-ho's in the states... but with that type of attitude about sex, it means they dont mind just hooking up w/ people who they find hot and are more open about their needs and desires. Not sure if this is a good or bad thing.

The Unit & Reality of Work

2008-11-14T20:39:00.000-08:00

There is a girl at work we call "the Unit" -- in fact I have been goofing making names for everyone at work, from the Milkman, the Unit, 3g, SS, etc, so almost everyone has a nickname if it makes sense. Pretty funny but that's what you do when you are with a post-bankrupt entity. Anyways back to "the unit" -- I think she is everything I'd like to find in a girl, cute, smart, speaks english, fun, active, bright and happy... but I'm a bit of a wimp so I can't seem to really ask her out, although I've been able to get close as friends with her now, so we hang out regularly.

Since I am now dating Miss Korea... (codename), it makes it harder still I must say... since (a) I don't wanna play games, (b) I'm actually happy w/ MK, but deep down I wonder if I can really be serious w/ a girl who doesn't speak english, and has many of the problems that kept me away from japanese girls to start with....

The Unit is a project I guess. I could rename her "the project" -- but alas, I'll just wait and see. Maybe having a gf now will put the jealousy plot into effect.

At work we had some layoffs recently, a trading desk went away (upper management decided not to fund this particular prop desk.. guess times are tough, they dont wanna put 100mm at risk or dont have capital..?), and other groups got haircuts. I think this makes sense, I figured it'd be now or Jan/Feb timeframe. Now makes sense because xmas is coming up, and you gotta do it before well before holidays so you don't feel so heartless. Late Jan/Feb is probably the next wave since its before bonus period and by then they have a real plan in place.

Its a matter of time. Investment Banks are built on a pyramid. Top of the chain, 5% of the population generate the revenues. The other 95% are really just there to support the money generators. So in our case we've lost due to firing or quitting, 50% of those guys. Whats out of whack is that the remaining 95% of the company has had almost no turnover.. thus a mass layoff is inevitable. For me in particular there is more risk since (1) another offshore org is at our disposal raising our IT headcount by 110% (so we are mass overstaffed now), and (2) credit markets are shot, there is even less business in this domain.

Thus I think come Feb I will have my papers. Hopefully by 2Q the market will stabilize and I can be on my way to a new job elsewhere with some new motivation in life.

For now, I just do my thing.

The Year in Ruin (reflection)

2008-11-04T08:31:00.001-08:00

The year comes to an end soon.

To me, the fall of the house of LEH hasn't really sunk in yet. It is a tragedy.. it really is. As more and more colleagues leave the firm it sinks in a bit more -- more than the financial loss that we all endure, is the blow to the psyche of having been part of this tragedy and shame. While we live on with a new name still get paychecks and live lavishly it is something that will haunt me in some ways.

Oh well I can just live on. As Rocky Balboa said it... and I don't need to repeat it.

Financially I suck. I am making horrible moves left and right. Argggggg had I only some forsight..... limiting exposure is what we all have to do in life. Protect yourself man.

The new girlfriend is quite nice to hang out with. I have to say I wish I picked up a serious girlfriend earlier in my days in TK. I think I'd have had a more fun experience but at the same time, I think goofing around endlessing chasing girls for the 1st year was a good way to burn myself out.