post trip depression

I don't think I suffer from depression - but I do feel the subtle ups and downs of the carefree life.  the darkest moments are probably when you are alone and have nothing to do .. hence I travel a lot and stay on the go to keep things interesting. it's a bit superficial though - at least without a purpose.  my purpose (as shallow as it may be) it to get to diamond 100k tier status this year on ANA!!  

anyways I was back and this weekend while there are Halloween parties I don't feel in the mood .. I feel like trying to focus on my diet.  I slept a lot.  watched more LoL championship matches on YouTube...  yep recipe for disaster 

I don't understand it myself.  but I guess I often still feel something is missing in life.  I don't think it's kids - maybe a dog ?  or maybe just more purpose.  but it comes and goes ..

I sincerely believe I'm in the rare 1% that isn't struggling, is free, and is smart enough that it troubles us to have a life that's a bit "safe".  it troubles us that while others are locked in their jobs due to bills or mortgage, that I don't do anything different to them.. I'm like a caged animal with an unlocked door, who just complains !

but alas it takes passion.

over the past 5 months I've come to enjoy my lifestyle more and am starting to accept it.  I will still have my ups and downs but overall I'm embracing 40s life as a bachelor spending foolishly and not worrying about kids, retirement, or hitting it big.  I think it's a good thing - to try n just be happy and a bit more carefree.  (or maybe I've been doing it too long now? haha)

anyways life moves on

I beat tom in tennis

 6-7 6-2 3-2*

*sudden death time limit 

The Delimna of having a job...

I've come to some grips with my life... 

One reality that I can no longer dream about is quitting work to be a snow-bum.   While I may romanticize about it and dream...  I think I'm really not cut out for it.

I have another friend (female) who is a big $$ money maker but probably equivalent spender.  She also dreams of quitting her fat and easy job and working in marketing for North Face or something...  at 1/8 the pay.  She thinks "wow wouldn't it be great... "  

At my company, we have lotta folks who says similar things and think about quitting the bank and working freelance or at a startup, where you are really building shit and changing the world?   (Now I wonder if my boy KT thinks he's changing the world ??   Or anyone of his peers?)    They think "wow wouldn't it be great..."

Now I'm a dude who has had 8 jobs.  Not even sure if its 8.. or more.  That doesn't even include part time jobs in HS and College, but I'm a fellow who has had a job week in and week out since age 16.  In these years I've found every job sucks in some way, and I miss every job in some way.  Very similar to ex-girlfriends.   But the thing I really have to step back into is the vicious cycle of work.. which is the same everywhere
.... first the feeling of joy, marvel, motivation and desire to prove yourself  ...
.... next the mastery and domination and pride of being productive ...
.... then the downfall where boredom kicks in and you are tired of the same shit and slack off ...
.... finally the sense that the "other guys at XYZ" are doing things way cooler, and slack more till you can barely manage to wake up to go to work ...

At least for me thats the pattern everywhere, except transplant XYZ with coding freelance while living on the mountain.

But in the end I need to know myself.  I'm not self-motivated, never was.  Its a miracle I survive in corporate world as it is but I was telling my ex-coworker (hopefully not sounding arrogant), that I'm good at this middle management BS stuff.  My managers trusts me, and I think people trust me.  I don't know why, but it seems to work... so in the end I'm in the late phases of boredom and slacking but somehow, scary as it is, I'm getting used to it.  Is that insane?  I am getting lame...

But as lame as it is, I am starting to accept it.  Look if someone had a job that was awesome, paid me 30% more, would be fulfilling and exciting and would let me take 25 days holidays to go snowboarding, then yes I will do it.  (Even 15 days holiday ok maybe).   But that job offer doesn't exist.. well I haven't searched but I don't think it exists.

(Counter argument is, maybe I need to sacrifice and step back, take a pay cut, work hard, re-establish myself and rebuild my skills...  like a 2 steps back, 1 step forward thing.. ?).  Uhh.. maybe.. or maybe not.  lol

So I'm kind of accepting it.. do a bit of work, but focus on having fun.  I just need to adjust my budget to save a bit more so I can retire in 10 years and poof, thats living !?!?!?

But honestly.. I think I'm starting to not stay up at night wondering about the ultimate job etc..  I may just settle in, do some side-hacking for fun on iPhone or android and relax.   So much more to enjoy in life if you stop worrying.

 

Of Dying Blogs and dying men

I'm not sure if anyone reads this anymore.. but doesn't matter, i mainly write for myself and my own thoughts, so my thoughts continue...

why my blogging is so irregular I wonder?   hmmm... more sleep ?   more drinking?   bit of exercise.

So I have one main goal for this remainder of the year.  While most of my goals go unfinished, which I must admit is a painful existance of unfulfillment (more on this later) -- this one is acheivable and will be good.

Simply.. get into shape, drop down from ~78 to ~74 kg, and be able to sustain a 5 day snowboarding trip in terms of leg strength and cardio fitness.   I've already booked a 5 day backcountry tour over New Years that entails several hours of hiking per day, so I sure hope I am there... 

My training and fitness regime which I've dabbled with for the past few weeks:
- Off days do 7-min workout (search online).
- 3 times a week run 4 km (trying to push to 7km)
- Eat salad for lunch, light dinners

Thats it!  They say the key is in the kitchen.. the eating.. but the other part is leg strength.. thats been the killer the past seasons.  Last year I dropped to 74kg as well (and gained back post-season) and it helped as did the 7-min workouts, but overall I could only do 3-4 days before dying out.

Anyways I should have more on my true goals in life soon.

But I was writing before -- after my LDN splurge trip, I think I've come to enjoy life enough.  Fine dining, fine wines etc are all good.  But I should focus on something that requires more effort than just spending a few dimes.



 

ack

damn iphone I wrote an offline blog of significance on plane and it is lost now after reconnect !! grrr technology 

save me