post trip depression

I don't think I suffer from depression - but I do feel the subtle ups and downs of the carefree life.  the darkest moments are probably when you are alone and have nothing to do .. hence I travel a lot and stay on the go to keep things interesting. it's a bit superficial though - at least without a purpose.  my purpose (as shallow as it may be) it to get to diamond 100k tier status this year on ANA!!  

anyways I was back and this weekend while there are Halloween parties I don't feel in the mood .. I feel like trying to focus on my diet.  I slept a lot.  watched more LoL championship matches on YouTube...  yep recipe for disaster 

I don't understand it myself.  but I guess I often still feel something is missing in life.  I don't think it's kids - maybe a dog ?  or maybe just more purpose.  but it comes and goes ..

I sincerely believe I'm in the rare 1% that isn't struggling, is free, and is smart enough that it troubles us to have a life that's a bit "safe".  it troubles us that while others are locked in their jobs due to bills or mortgage, that I don't do anything different to them.. I'm like a caged animal with an unlocked door, who just complains !

but alas it takes passion.

over the past 5 months I've come to enjoy my lifestyle more and am starting to accept it.  I will still have my ups and downs but overall I'm embracing 40s life as a bachelor spending foolishly and not worrying about kids, retirement, or hitting it big.  I think it's a good thing - to try n just be happy and a bit more carefree.  (or maybe I've been doing it too long now? haha)

anyways life moves on

I beat tom in tennis

 6-7 6-2 3-2*

*sudden death time limit 

The Delimna of having a job...

I've come to some grips with my life... 

One reality that I can no longer dream about is quitting work to be a snow-bum.   While I may romanticize about it and dream...  I think I'm really not cut out for it.

I have another friend (female) who is a big $$ money maker but probably equivalent spender.  She also dreams of quitting her fat and easy job and working in marketing for North Face or something...  at 1/8 the pay.  She thinks "wow wouldn't it be great... "  

At my company, we have lotta folks who says similar things and think about quitting the bank and working freelance or at a startup, where you are really building shit and changing the world?   (Now I wonder if my boy KT thinks he's changing the world ??   Or anyone of his peers?)    They think "wow wouldn't it be great..."

Now I'm a dude who has had 8 jobs.  Not even sure if its 8.. or more.  That doesn't even include part time jobs in HS and College, but I'm a fellow who has had a job week in and week out since age 16.  In these years I've found every job sucks in some way, and I miss every job in some way.  Very similar to ex-girlfriends.   But the thing I really have to step back into is the vicious cycle of work.. which is the same everywhere
.... first the feeling of joy, marvel, motivation and desire to prove yourself  ...
.... next the mastery and domination and pride of being productive ...
.... then the downfall where boredom kicks in and you are tired of the same shit and slack off ...
.... finally the sense that the "other guys at XYZ" are doing things way cooler, and slack more till you can barely manage to wake up to go to work ...

At least for me thats the pattern everywhere, except transplant XYZ with coding freelance while living on the mountain.

But in the end I need to know myself.  I'm not self-motivated, never was.  Its a miracle I survive in corporate world as it is but I was telling my ex-coworker (hopefully not sounding arrogant), that I'm good at this middle management BS stuff.  My managers trusts me, and I think people trust me.  I don't know why, but it seems to work... so in the end I'm in the late phases of boredom and slacking but somehow, scary as it is, I'm getting used to it.  Is that insane?  I am getting lame...

But as lame as it is, I am starting to accept it.  Look if someone had a job that was awesome, paid me 30% more, would be fulfilling and exciting and would let me take 25 days holidays to go snowboarding, then yes I will do it.  (Even 15 days holiday ok maybe).   But that job offer doesn't exist.. well I haven't searched but I don't think it exists.

(Counter argument is, maybe I need to sacrifice and step back, take a pay cut, work hard, re-establish myself and rebuild my skills...  like a 2 steps back, 1 step forward thing.. ?).  Uhh.. maybe.. or maybe not.  lol

So I'm kind of accepting it.. do a bit of work, but focus on having fun.  I just need to adjust my budget to save a bit more so I can retire in 10 years and poof, thats living !?!?!?

But honestly.. I think I'm starting to not stay up at night wondering about the ultimate job etc..  I may just settle in, do some side-hacking for fun on iPhone or android and relax.   So much more to enjoy in life if you stop worrying.

 

Of Dying Blogs and dying men

I'm not sure if anyone reads this anymore.. but doesn't matter, i mainly write for myself and my own thoughts, so my thoughts continue...

why my blogging is so irregular I wonder?   hmmm... more sleep ?   more drinking?   bit of exercise.

So I have one main goal for this remainder of the year.  While most of my goals go unfinished, which I must admit is a painful existance of unfulfillment (more on this later) -- this one is acheivable and will be good.

Simply.. get into shape, drop down from ~78 to ~74 kg, and be able to sustain a 5 day snowboarding trip in terms of leg strength and cardio fitness.   I've already booked a 5 day backcountry tour over New Years that entails several hours of hiking per day, so I sure hope I am there... 

My training and fitness regime which I've dabbled with for the past few weeks:
- Off days do 7-min workout (search online).
- 3 times a week run 4 km (trying to push to 7km)
- Eat salad for lunch, light dinners

Thats it!  They say the key is in the kitchen.. the eating.. but the other part is leg strength.. thats been the killer the past seasons.  Last year I dropped to 74kg as well (and gained back post-season) and it helped as did the 7-min workouts, but overall I could only do 3-4 days before dying out.

Anyways I should have more on my true goals in life soon.

But I was writing before -- after my LDN splurge trip, I think I've come to enjoy life enough.  Fine dining, fine wines etc are all good.  But I should focus on something that requires more effort than just spending a few dimes.



 

ack

damn iphone I wrote an offline blog of significance on plane and it is lost now after reconnect !! grrr technology 

save me

Of life and dreams of a magi

1. Dating --> going ok.  I had a shocking streak.. of dates that went well.  But not true love.  Can't have it all man!
2. Money --> not saving so much, but whatever, you can die tomorrow -- live life!
3. Health --> getting little fat, but biking on weekends so feeling good.  Snowboarding NZ in Aug woo!!
4. Work --> been slacking off majorly, i may start to work more.  lets see.

Nothing else.. life is boring overall

times for old men

so I had a few weeks of super busy times going out drinking and meeting girls

I don't meet guys when i go out .. hmm maybe that's bad ?

anyways in some ways I smile and feel wow life is cool in Tokyo. where else can I keep needn't single girls so often ...  but then when I really think about it, it's so difficult to find someone you really can love and be compatible with.   

my friend thinks we are too old for love.  maybe ... hmm or we have a bad habit of picking losers to date ?

I recently went on few dates w this JAL girl.  31-33 I think, pretty but aging and seems to like me. but I am finding her annoying or just not they interesting so I am thinking I gotta dodge her.   the issues so far

- doesn't stay in contact much like no chat.  I am needy I guess

- never offers to pay anything

- seems to have princess complex - I asked her to stand in line to buy some chicken at a fair and she was like no -- I was astounded like wtf ??  so I had to go line up. 

- just bored don't sense true love 

sigh ... sex is good but no love .  weird .  I guess sex is cheap and easy.  then again true love .. is an illusion.  but it's an illusion we all chase 

Hmmm the single life

So latest updates...

I had some girl over, and I found that I had 0 toothbrushes left!  I usually steal a few extra at hotels and stockpile them for "guests" - so either.. I haven't had as many hotel stays recently so my stock is dimished, or I have had alot of girls over.

I don't think the latter is true...  but it made me think.. i guess i score a small supply of mediocre girls  per year ... no super hot lawyer models otherwise i would lock them in as gf or wife or whatever..  but makes me think as single man...

the pros
+ you can do what you want.. nobody bothers you
+ i go biking.. snowboarding.. sleep.. play games.. eat what i want
+ spend less money (assuming your gf/wife is poor)
+ no stress in life really just do what u want

the negatives
- go thru moments of loneliiness and boredom and suicidal mania
- eat alone alot
- travel alone
- if get crippled nobody will feel responsible to take care of me

Well what can i say...  i dont think this is the best, but its the way it is now.

Given the pro's.. and given I am 41 now, its not so easy to find the girl of my dreams.. my day of finding that is past I think.  I see a super hot  young girl... and I think wow I would like to date that -- but I had my time and I kinda feel like its past.  My coworker (who is only 30) and I were talking about it in the same way.  Anyways key is to enjoy life...

Go to NZ and heli snowboard, that'll be fun. hahahaa

ken

I feel shocked and stressed about ken

sure I abandoned him like everyone else did in his hire times of need .. only tom was able to sustain the relationship probably because Tom loves being first hand in presence of despair -- while most others like myself don't want to face reality and what could happen to us oneday 

anyways I had a memory of the good old times .. hanging out in Tahoe gambling and boarding and drinking .. we went to Hong Kong for the first time together .. great times really

now the dude can barely walk ( for those who don't know - my old friend had a brain aneuyism and is near death undergoing his 2nd brain operation today ).  god bless and save his life.. but even if he lives he may be in a wheelchair for life or who knows what ..

so this kind of stuff happens and nobody can predict it.  sure if u r 400lbs and drinking and smoking one may not be surprised but plenty of athletic dudes topple over too.

bottom like enjoy life .. live to the fullest whatever that means for you. 

what it means for me .. is my biggest problem in life ...

on the happy material note I bought a new bike.  I'm excited it's coming from UK in 2 weeks !   I was deciding between a designer budnitz, a cheap us maker Raleigh and this ditch titanium builder and went with the latter.  let's hope I don't hey cancer from titanium.  more on bike later 

Noodle attempt finalie ?

- sinew beef chunks (3) - more near tendon chunk

- 800 ml water
- 70 ml soy
- 70 ml mirin
- tablespoon veg oil
- tablespoon goma oil
- 1/4 onion chopped
- 2 cloves garlic
- ~12 chinese peppercorn
- 3 star anisa
- 3 teapoon light brown sugar
- 1 green fresh spicy pepper
- 1 crushed red dried pepper
- a few grinds of black pepper
- 2/3 cube of ginger sliced
- 1 knorr bouillon cube

I forgot to sauteee onions garlic this time, but browned meat, then put everything else in

Sinew has a nice texture.

I think the bouillon cube helped alot it seems to have a heartier flavor.  I dont know if i should be adding this it is like cheating... but seems to help!

Noodle attempt 2

2nd attempt is cutting soy sauce, maybe bit less spice or at least no red peppers and sauce and try some sugar for cutting the salty flavors..

this time i made about a 1/2 sized portion so the amount of water etc is less.

-850ml water
-50 ml soy
-50 ml mirin
- cube of ginger chopped
- 2 garlic gloves chopped
- 1/3 onion chopped
- 2 teaspoon brown sugar
- 3 cubes of bit fatty stew beef
- corn oil and sesame oil
- teaspoon chinese peppercorns
- 4 chinese anisa star
- 1 green spicy pepper
- tablespoon corn starch

Braised meat w/ garlic and onions
Cooked for 2 hours low heat w/ everything

Still bit salty!!!   And too much chinese pepper, gotta hold back on that.   Anise level was maybe ok.... or cut that a bit as well.   I think sugar content is about right.   Maybe thicker... also too much fat/oil, so maybe have to cool and skim some fat off.

Meat came out really nice.

Beef Noodles Part 1

I attempted to make beef noodle soup today.

Recipe
 - 7 star anisa
 - big teaspoon of sansho peppercorns
 - black pepper
 - 8 cups water
 - 1 cup soy sauce
 - 1 cup rice wine (mirin)
 - 1 big clove garlic chopped
 - 1 cube ginger chopped
 - 1 teaspoon dried red peppers
 - 1 teaspoon chili pepper goo
 - 2 beef chunks braised and slow cooked for 2hrs
 - 1 beef chunk cooked 1hr from raw

Too soy saucy.  Reduce soy next time
Add more meat flavor somehow..
maybe add more anisa as well..
Spicy but maybe close to ok, maybe reduce spice a little
Meat was way better when braised and cooked long time.  Putting in raw late was bad idea