I have 3 roads
1. Stay in Management. Maybe I can make it to the top.
2. Go back to technical work. I think I am good and had passion for understanding things so I was a good engineer.
3. Retire and be a day trader for 1 year, put up $100k to try it out......

In the end, I don't know what I'd enjoy or what is best. I lack guidance.

But I'm a conservative man, I will prob stay w/ #1 and see where it goes. Amazing after only 6 months I am restless.

Work.. focus.. enjoyment.. freedom

I realized something, I value my freedom. The cost of freedom is high though. Trust me, I fight the freedom fight daily -- to be free.. is to be alone. Because one can never be free if they have obligations. Its the compliment of free -- bound.

Being bound is good in some ways, you are grounded and know what you need to do. Freedom is akin to unboundedness and chaos.. no direction.

At work, I learned my key lieutenant is going to move to be a trader. Wow amazing.. its like an instant 50% raise and potential to make 500% more (more likely 80% more in a year). Makes one think.. did I make the right choices in going into management? I do feel I am wasting some technical prowess that I have.. now my day is spent filing emails.. sifting thru hundreds a day.. trying to comprehend whats happening on 10 projects...

But what was I really good at? i was good at hacking together systems and understanding how stuff works. Yep I am a true engineer. In finance I am also good at this.. understanding how stuff works, how pricing, curves, risk ... all work because I really like to know.

In management I have issues not knowing enough. I know the high level, but as management you can never get deep enough to know the details hands on and it is troubling really.

Anyways.. all my life I live w/ the angst of work and pondering if I'm doing the right thing. Funny things never really change. I am happy w/ what I'm doing, but I also look for my next progression after 6 months at this role.

haha, I get bored fast

MK memories

Well my saga w/ MK comes to an end soon... lawsuits will finish by year end I think.

Today I was unpacking a box and I discovered.. aaag all this random stuff belongs to MK! I wonder where this came from, its a bunch of random stuff like makeup, shot glasses, etc. I ponder if I should forward this to MK.. despite her terrors.. I admit I really was smitten by her and miss her. Don't take it the wrong way, I'm a bit down now so I'm weak, and I know she was bad for me and would have ultimately destroyed me...

But we are human, I'm weak in some ways. Strong in others. Humanity is imperfect.

Need to seek my place of zen / enlightenment.

3-day weekend

Have a 3-day weekend.. i been doing nothing.

I think I'm depressed. Work is going quite well, I may be up for a bigger role as my boss gets new responsibilities.. he needs his lieutenants to take on more. Quite good for me.. though I do feel I need to step up my current execution before I move up any more.

But.. other than work like is a bit stagnant. Thank god snowboarding seasons coming.. that is a good distraction at the least.

I bought an iPhone4 on saturday... not sure if thats a life changer but its something new!

Cocksuckers

Sorry the blog isn't about japanese females I've met... I been watching the HBO show "Deadwood" -- been trying to get into it years ago on many recommendations and finally have. Quite good.. its interesting they call each other "cocksuckers" probably 50 times a show that I walk around starting to think "yeah that cocksucker" -- its like brainwashing...

Life imitates art.. lets hope not in the case of deadwood.. and those cocksuckers!

Moved to a new apt. Wow this is the ultimate living.

Theme for Q4'2010

Simplify

Yes.. minimize, simplify.

Map-Reduce ? For programmers thats a paradigm for parallel processing or something like that.

Anyways I aim to simplify my life and reduce my dependence on material possessions a bit. I am dumping some clothes, goods, etc. I am going to stop buying random shit of value and keep it real.

Lets see how it goes I'll recap status in 2011.

Work is crushing me

Work.. I love it, and I'm dying at the same time

It is all consuming.. let me give you a glimpse of my work day..

- okay i start late. get in at 910am, see SYD has various issues...
- overnight batches ran so i skim thru emails and aggressively delete
- SYD traders have some problems so someone on my team is taking care of it, must keep eye on that.. TK guys seem ok today.
- still reading all the overnight emails..
- some audit docs are due, must finish those soon too
- also gotta get on this data mapping stuff for another group
- got 10am meeting, see ya
- back at 1100am, more emails to digest
- almost caught up on email...
- damn gotta meet w/ trader @ 1145am to explain trade migration
- boss calls me to meet over lunch, say gotta meet w/ trader first, call u after
- meeting takes 35min, now 1230pm go for lunch w/ boss, boss tells me he wants to promote me next year, wants to give me more.. i tell him i'm barely keeping alive right now.
- 130pm back, now got piled up email...
- gotta meet w/ 1 of my guys for 1-on-1 monthly
- some trader reports recent trades aren't showing in risk reports...
- oh wait, someone visiting must meet w/ them
- gotta dig up info for boss on dev/qa hardware and systems.. bah..
- 4pm finally go to meet w/ my guy 1-on-1
- wait end of day batches running -- any issues? keep eye out
- gotta stop and do this all but forgotten data mapping ..
- PM calls me for updates to her weekly reports...
- LDN comes on line bombards us w/ emails...
- gotta deal w/ bullshit for new hire, order monitor stands, etc.. call my admin for help
- gotta deal w/ bullshit cost center nonsense for another project.... call biz manager for help
- 6pm meeting
- someone leaving gotta talk to him before he goes...
- 7pm meeting
- PM still needs her updates so gotta go do that at her desk, takes 15min
- ah data mapping, let me get that done now.. done!
- hmm for some trade migration gotta discuss w/ guy..
- wow its 9pm.. hmm should go home, almost caught up on email! i'm caught up! oh now NY online starts email bombardment..
- hmm realize have 5 other things shoulda done.. oh well go home already!

(I go home and also read some mail, talk to NY guys on conf calls sometimes...).

And the cycle starts again..

Anyways yep its a damn busy day. Got like 5 projects to manage.. boss wants to promote me next year. Wow quite a great situation I'm in right now if I can focus and make it all happen...

Saving money ??

Hmmm I suddenly started looking at houses in TKY and realized wow.. now if I had a goal in life, like to buy a home or retire early, I'd probably live a different lifestyle for sure. No more taxi rides, exp apts, 5-star hotels, and random travel on a whim.

Houses in TKY ? Well I'd say a decent one in central TKY is $1.2mm -- now with interest rates at 1.0% the mortgage is actually not that bad ($3.5k a month?). Okay thats bad, but not that bad. I once started budgeting for wife and kids, and it did stress me out a bit -- hahaha

Anyways I will still save some money. Yep... I have some goals in life. But definitely not saving at the rate of some of my peers I imagine. Alas tis life.....

Note recent dating has been slow. I met some korean girls but no aciton -- I must practice my Hangul -- there is a huge market there awaiting if I just learn some of that shit. Though one gotta wonder .. am I really compatible w/ a Korean ??

Smoking up $$$

I found myself lately smoking $30 cuban cohiba's every week... taking taxi to work everyday ($20), and buying $200 burberry apparel ...

Whats happening to me.. is it that I don't care about money anymore.. ? do I feel the end is near and I don't need to be so cheap as I was 10yrs ago ? Am I just being a poser and acting snobbish and rich when I'm really just a working class schmo ?

I don't know... things are changing though.

NYC -- there are alot of good looking girls. But how does it compare to Tokyo ? Well.. not as many skanky girls, Tokyo is skank central. Lots of huge breasted women.. and large, and medium .. they are a bit chunkier, but definitely breasts galore. I find myself staring alot due to the lack of breastage in Tokyo as a whole.

I had this thought.. if I took a survey and asked females:
1. Are you happy?
2. Do you like your job?
3. Do you have a husband?
4. Do you have kids?
5. Do you get along w/ your family?
6. Do you exercise regularly?
And if I noted their breast size.. would the presence of larger breasts possibly have any correlation with happiness? I pondered this today.. I know its sooo deep. Yes.. are larger breasted women happier??

Seize the opportunity

I must say, I have a golden opportunity.. when I think of focusing on a goal, I think of a few things.

1. There is a goal..
2. There is a path..
3. There is the execution

I've often failed at #3. I know the path and have a goal, but I can not get there alot of times due to laziness or half hearted attempts. I am talking mainly about work, but it probably applies so my love life too.

Take for example if you wanted to be a trader. There are many guys in IT who have made it.. the path is clear. You bust your ass, come in at 7am leave at midnight, kiss some ass, really do alot of extra things for the trading desk, and then 1yr later it might happen. While people know it, there are few who can execute. People say they want to do it.. but few try. But the payoff is incredible.. its akin to studying to be a plastic surgeon or something..

I feel i have the opportunity to really make a name and move up quick. My boss is giving me more and more.. really stretching me. More staff, more projects.. I'm actually choking a bit, but if I can handle it then I can move to the next level... which is amazing for me, given I was stuck at my last role.

Anyways my problem is always being half-ass... things I need to do are clear.. come in earlier.. don't drop balls.. show i can handle more and more. But.. we'll see how it goes. I go to NY tomorrow to meet more Sr managers.

I feel good about my career prospects for now. Just damn hard to execute when you are a lazy ass like me....

Could always be worse..

California bracing for minimum wage for all state workers... ala swartzeggera - yesterday night overhead a conversation at a bar w/ this dude bitching about how he didn't get a job offer cause they gave it to some japanese guy, he's broke he's $1350 behind in rent and about to get evited.. shouldn't be out, shouldn't be spending money drinking etc etc...

Times are tough all around man... I gotta say. Okay for me its not tough, and for most of my friends its not tough, but its tough out there is what I mean.

Sometimes I wonder if I deserve the insulated lifestyle.. am I losing touch w/ the people ??

Oh man I met the hottttest girl last night. Damn... damn... damn....

US economy is dying. What the hell.. is Obama a dud???
Will BP recover?
Should I buy some SPY now or is SPY lame.. what the hell to invest in?? More JP Yen ??
Stay tuned...

Hmmmm

I still feel I have so much potential in life...

Though time is against me now. If I want to do something now is better time than any I suppose. Its about focus!

"I need you to focus!" -- Legendary Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights.

Why we can't ..

I had this new deep thought.

First off, today I did nothing. It is Sunday.. Last night I was out till 1am or so, came home watched part of "Once Upon a Time in America" and dozed off at 3am or so. Woke up at 7am, finished watching most of it to find this movie was not as great as I recall -- or was it? I don't know.. watching between 1am-8am is not best focus time. Aftewards i dozed in and out until I finally got out of bed at 1pm and made lunch. I was going to go biking and stop by the office, and maybe meet a few others, but instead I zonked out and napped from 3pm- till 7pm totally dissing various plans of the day.

My summary sounds like a waste to some (even myself) but in reality I only do this sometimes, and other times like snow season I'm the opposite. But point is, this is how life is when you are 30's and single. You do what you want and nobody can tell you otherwise.

I think this is the reason why its hard to settle down as the years go on. You become too independent. Its hard to imagine waking up Sunday and going to church for example just because my wife or gf wants me to... thats something I can recall recently w/ gf's or even in my 20's -- wanting to sleep or play games on weekends. Wow I must be lazy ??

I guess the key is to find a gf or wife that lets you do whatever you want.. if you like to go out, find someone who likes to do the same.. if u like to sleep, find someone who likes to sleep too. Hmm I don't know but as time goes on you get used to being alone sadly enough!

On the other hand.. its being selfish vs giving to your partner and giving to your family. Growing up and taking on new responsbilities vs not having to worry. Taking on alot of management is similar in that sense.. being a solo developer is alot less stress, just focus on your own stuff.

Weak Won

I am past 1 week at my new job.

I'm managing 6+1 contractor now all locally... going to be a handful. I used to manage like 11, but 6 were offshore, and 4 were different offices, so i really just had 1 local to manage, and most of the guys I knew already. Quite a new thing to manage a new team.

Anyways job is good, I think its a good step for me.

New Job Day 3

Day 3 is done...

I feel.. this is a tougher job than my last.

Is it more rewarding? We shall see... but its a necessary step in my life.

Holy shit my vacation is over

Damn.. vacation is over.



I start new career Monday. Seems I have 7 people reporting to me. Wow bigger than I expected.. its going to be challening....

First impression of my new NetBook!

I bought a netbook. My tablet was dying.. that damn tablet... I had a fujitsu lifebook which cost like $1500+ 2 years ago, now while it was working I really liked scribbling notes on it w/ the pen. I think that is the future, and for that reason I am tempted to get a iPad mainly for the scribling ability. When I am brainstorming work (system design, team scheduling, etc) it really helps -- of course I can just scribble on a notepad as well for 1/100 of the price. The battery casing was going bad causing the contact to slip and poweroff at random times making it annoying as hell to use.

So I bought this ASUS netbook Windows 7 since its soooooo cheap at $300 (and only $3 for a case). Now the interesting thing is.. it has a dual core intel Atom processor, 1gb of RAM and I imagine this i7 Atom is like 10x faster than the original 586/Pentium, but this thing is soooooo slow, its like using IBM OS/2 (sorry to poke fun but that thing was a dog). Its shocking how bloated Windows must be, and W7 is supposed to be far superior than Vista?? I notice the speed of the iPad and makes me wonder... (albiet iPad has limited multi-tasking ability).

Anyways the other problem I find is that the mousepad is horrible, mouse keepings jumping around so I had to buy an external mouse. But even then, waking from sleep sometimes the keyboard or mousepad doesn't register so I have to sleep/wake it again! Omg.. this thing is sooo lame. I'm updating now... we'll see if its driver issues or ASUS hardware that is killing me.

Okay on the flip side, for < 3lbs, its tiny and does everything I need including Excel, MSOffice, and VPN / remote desktop into my work. That is the critical gap that steered me away from the fancy iPad.

Anyways this works and its cheap. There is an interesting hybrid product called the Entourage Edge .. its 1/2 e-reader, 1/2 ipad, 1/2 netbook. This may be the future!!

Its done

I accepted a new job.

Many ponder.. why I change jobs so often.. is it because I have no loyalty? Is it because I have no committment? Is it because new jobs are so easy to find?

Hmmm... good question.. I am not sure myself but I can only tell you a few things:
1. New jobs come with new challenges, new things to do, new inspiration. I find it harder to be inspired doing the same thing.
2. New jobs often come up better salary, title, positions. (Note its not always been that way for me).
3. There are alot of people hiring out there!
4. Some people find it scary or difficult to start a new job.. I find it annoying and difficult to stay in the same job. Is that weird??

Nonetheless, I do change jobs too often... every 2-3yrs is okay, but as we age.. we must show some loyalty and build some tenure for sure. I am looking at my next gig as a 5+ year, to potentially a lifetime plan. Its hard to know, I may get fired at this job for a change... no one can really predict the future. I can only say I have alot of hope and will try to focus more this time around.

Plus I have a new 52" tv and other stuff I just bought, so must finance my new lifestyle....

Show me the money

Hmmm pay is so evil... at banks we get the big payday once a year and it came.. and went. well the actual settlement is next week.

The only thing to remember is.. people aren't paid whats fair and just, they are just paid what they can get in the outside market. Really quite odd.. is it right? Supply/Demand based?

Anyways I got a pretty good bonus. I think.. I'm overpaid.... I guess its better to be over than under paid. So I'm not complaining.

But I'm embarking on a new adventure maybe... if I get this new job. It may actually pay less.. thats kinda lame. Maybe opens the door to potentially reaching the next level though, so perhaps that is worth the short term sacrifice of a few dimes.

Interviewing yet again...

Is my eternal search for gratification a dire and hopeless one I wonder?

As many know, I have interviewed more than more people dream about... and I'd say I'm so good at it now that I can land most jobs (hit rate is down from 95% to about 75% -- its getting harder). But as I age, its not wise to keep jumping ship.

So.. I had 3 rounds of interviews compressed in 1 week. It was quite hardcore and was a flash. I'd say it went quite well and I may take this new job. I don't know if it means more money, but the responsibility is bigger and will require alot more dedication.

But it has 5 less vacation days.. at my age should I strive for balance in life or challenge? I enjoy slacking and coming in late, leaving early.. getting paid max $/hr.. but at the same time I feel like I'm not really accomplishing anything with my life. Now the question is... should I build a life outside work or let work become life ?

Now I'm back...

So I'm back.. and in action, back to the grind at work, back to the tokyo action.

Thought my last blog said i shall stay in asia.. I ponder socal and hkg every other day. Hkg for adventure, socal for the easy life..

The dilemna with moving to socal is this.. Tokyo and big cities.. you meet alot of people. Being single is more fun, but at the same time, if you watched SexInTheCity you will realize its a tough town as well. Relationships come and go and your attitude changes as a result. For example, in the 2 weeks I have come back, I met at least 6 new girls (a few at the local bars, a few from outings w/ friends, etc). Now note, maybe all of them are low life bitches who want nothing more than a free drink or dinner, but there is a flow to this madness that keeps one alive...

Side note, it amazes me how much girls like to eat for free.. they don't mind going out w/ random guys just for free food and drink?? Must be some ego thing for them to know they can get a guy to pay for them?

At work I suffer.. from the affliction of my manager not having 100% faith/confidence in me. Its come to my realization.. this is a critical hinderence in my career progression. Obvoiusly its partially due to reality which is that I am not reliable and I am not motivated. However, I think it also comes with a duality which is.. people are motivated when they have something they want to work on... not everyone will give 110% on anything they are asked to do... but then again maybe thats what we need to do to be make it in this world ?

zzzzzz

Must stay in Asia

I have come to realize.. I will stay in Asia.

Now its about Japan vs HK.

After spending a few days in SoCal.. I realize... this is no life for me while I am single. Some parts of SoCal are very nice -- like Irvine, Yorba Linda, etc. Some parts like where my sister lives is dead and not that nice though. I'm glad she can be so happy living such a simple life.

I could play tennis daily... that would be nice. But otherwise its dead. Drive around go to starbucks.. borders... what else though?? Play D&D or do alot of online gaming??

Anyways thats how I feel now. Its a nice place to have a simpler life though for sure.

I am doing taxes Thurs. I realize I made alot of money this year.. where did it all go ???

Dumps

Shiiiit I found out today not getting promoted. Damn it really downed me.

I can't say I wasn't expecting to get promoted.. not that one can expect or not, its more "hope" than expectation. Expectation is like you are fully deserving, and maybe I'm not.. maybe I am, but I dunno.

Anyways that shoots some of my career plans down the tube. On one hand is it just 1 more year to wait? Or have I waited 1 year too long as it is... I dunno.... but maybe this is a good omen, it lets me rethink my career path a bit more.

Perhaps... I shall stay

I'm the flakiest guy I know in terms of making decisions and sticking with them.

Anyways my latest thought is heading more towards... stay in Japan... for a while. While I feel I could do the other 2 ideas (1- move back to US and settle down, 2- move to HK and goof off before moving to US to settle down), I think it may be hard at this point in time.

Tokyo has the advantages...
1- Age is on my side here. As I get older, there are still alot of young people around me, and being 40 in TK is ok to be hanging out with the 25yo's. Not sure if its the case in SF and OC, maybe it is.

2- Snowboarding is good... very good. The 4 seasons offer alot of things I didn't realize before coming here. It gives me something to look forward to as seasons come and go.

3- Lots of females -- though I'm not exactly meeting my mate, its true there are many options here. I meet new girls every week (or few weeks).

Sure its an expensive town, but anyone who sees how I live would imagine I am living the easy life. Work is easy, its all easy. Yeah I should enjoy it here maybe?

Next steps to enjoyment:
a) buy 52" tv
b) learn more Japanese (and korean)
c) get into shape and travel around japan more
d) maybe get car

As the year turns

For most of the world the year turns either Jan 1st, or on their birthday -- but for some it turns when they hand out bonuses. Its a breaking point in the yearly grind, it makes you think about life and what your goal is, and whats valuable.

My old manager told me once that we don't really have a choice in life.. at least not after you start along a path. For him, he was married, started working, had kids, etc and was entrenched in his role and he has to go with the job to support his family and life. He felt choice was an illusion.

I guess for me I do have choices because much of my life is still to be decided. I've taken a long route to taking the next step.

Anyways when our bonuses come around, I wonder if I'll have the courage to do something truly different with life. I don't know if its courage thats needed but I wonder what I will do. Its not that our bonuses are big, its just a closure point if you do want to make a change. I ponder my options:

1. Stay in TK with the same job, continue trying move up the ladder. Its a place I know and its safe. Money is still good, env isn't great, but its okay. I can make a few internal changes and it'll be fun.
2. Stay in TK with a new job, stay here for a while and settle in. New job is risky, but maybe give me a new perspective on life. Also make for my return plan
3. Move to HK for a year and travel then move back to the US
4. Move back to the US -- but then the question is where to go? SoCal? NoCal? Somewhere new?

I'm getting older, so I feel the need to settle down somewhere and plant my roots. I feel it'd be hard and a bit lonely at 40 to root down in a new town and make friends and build relationships up. Thus it brings me back to places I know, very likely SoCal where at least I have some family.

I suppose Japan is a natural 2nd place since I have family here too.

I have a few months to decide. I am leaning the HK way for now.

Da Flu

I have the flu I think. Its mixed symptoms but thats my self diagnosis.

Being sick really puts me in an emotional funk.. makes me wonder, will I die alone? Will I find the right person?

My friend Homey (I use that because he's black) also wonders this alot. He is looking for his true love and has these questions alot as well. In his case I wouldn't worry because he's black and in Japan they are novelty and he picks up girls all the time. But even then, he dates a bunch but rarely meets one he really connects with.

He also has the added pressure of having a dead-end career on the helpdesk as a contractor.. and as we get old, we all have to think about how we are going to settle into our golden years. I am not sure if there are so many 50 year old programmers... but I believe there are less programmers these days so perhaps its okay. The baby boomers all die off, and I heard less people were studying CS... so will I be okay??

Living da life

I recently started dating a chinese gal... though the only reason was probably her huge chest.. and I eventually got to the point of sleeping w/ her, and I realized.. what is the point of this .. is this real?

I wonder why I quesiton myself so much. There are guys out there who are 100% happy w/ the game of just sleeping with anyone they can.. but somehow I always wind up in angst about what my motivation is.

I looked at some facebook pics of an old HS friend and his friends... and noticed wow most people have family. I'd probably say 75% are married, maybe more. I'm clearly the exception, yet I find it hard to just settle down.. sure I could marry someone like Miss China but really.. can I live w/ this person forever?

While I snowboard every weekend.. and go drinking and have fun with life its easy to avoid the reality of the situation which is that we are getting old, and we will die oneday. So at the end of it all.. what will be my story?

Lost Job Lost Soul Gain Money Who Knows

I lost 1 job...but then a week later I got a 10% raise for nothing. Its part of the sham the industry is playing on the government -- lower bonuses higher base. So I guess the median bonus was 30% and now they've lowered it to 20% and in doing so most get a 10% salary increase (up to some maximum level/salary cap).

I lost track of salaries, but I suspect even with my 1 job now I'm doing pretty good... for a guy with no family to support anyways.

Tombo always ridicules about how his friends have such a tough time finding someone... but the reality of the "grass" is that its "greener" on the other side. While its not entirely brown while you sit in it, there are brown spots when you get up close. What I say is.. its not that easy to find something real. I can easily find young, cheap, cute ho's to mess around with esp if you are buying them (one way or another), but finding ones soul mate.. now I can't believe thats easy for anyone even Lebron.

Lately I have been snowboarding every week. I am hardcore now, but its unfortunate, time is against me. I wish I had gone hardcore 5, 10 years ago. Now, in my present state I can barely go 1 day before being near my deathbed in the end. I came back from a 3 day trip but on the 3rd day I started at 8am but was dead at 11am. Its tough man... but it gives me motivation to train for something other than having better sex.

Lost Job

Dang, seems my money making side-action project is coming to an end.

Well i guess I milked this for a long time now.. like.. 7 years omg... ? It had to happen. Some years I felt god damn just let it die... its a hassle to have to support this thing. Now I realize, you should never complain about free money.

It wasn't that much, but imagine the loss of an extra $1000-$2000 a month of cashflow.. i suppose that is the cashflow that I've been using to live large in tokyo! Damn times will get tougher now!

Now I see how Tombo lives large, having 2 jobs allows this!

Oh well life moves on.

Snow -- the new meaning of life?

I went snowboarding on Monday. I took the day off.

Wow, it was great. Going solo isn't so great, but its okay. Last week I went w/ 6 others. This weekend I go with 4 others, and the following weekend with like 8 people.

Anyways I found revived passion in snowboarding. I found the powder situation here is great, so I am mostly cutting thru trees and "off-piste" or off trail in search of powder. The caveat to this is that some runs will lead you to nowhere and death.. my friend said she got stuck for 2hrs last weekend. My other friend went down a nowhere path and had to dig his way out for 10hrs. I kid you not.

In my case I'm not that adventurous so I follow paths that others have gone down. But still the powder is deep and if you fall or get stuck, it takes a while to dig out and is god damn tiring. But there is a thrill of cutting thru some path that is unknown, dodging trees, trying to stay afloat and then .. finally finding daylight back to the main trail ! Its really a great high.

I probably got stuck 1/2 the time, but the other 1/2 when I had a clean run thru the treeline it was awesome.

I may go every weekend this year! I invested $1000 on new board, boots, bindings, etc, so I should maximize this investment.

I often wonder...

I often wonder if my ex-gf, the psychopath, thinks back and is sad she didn't try harder to make things work.. I wonder if she has regret about how she handled things and realizes she was the one who pushed me away with her psychotic control freak nature, it wasn't just me... I really was trying in this relationship. Thus, I do wonder.. part of me thinks she doesn't regret and just thinks its all my fault, hence the fundamental problem in the relationship. Its quite sad really.

I definitely feel alot of regret that I wish thing worked differently. I often second guess if I did things differently.. or if I had done this or that it'd have been okay. But in the end, I know I there were far more problems than I could solve on my own here. So I accept it.. but I'm one to wallow in the past, its my curse.

Anyways I wanted to get that written down. I think about it regularly.

Its critical we all go out of this world knowing we did the best we could. If you can do that, then there should be no problem letting go. Its like the final game in "Friday Night Lights", coach billy bob says as long as you know you did your best and didn't hold back then you will be satisfied with life. I don't know if I'm at that level yet!

How week 2 is going

Friday I went to dinner w/ an admin from work. This gal is also a bit older, but has a very alluring bust, not quite as alluring as Tombo's japanese police-cop but trust me busty girls are not eays to find in Japan. However I need to stop wasting time on these not-sure girls. Also work girls are not good to mess with. As a result, I went to bed at 2am.

Saturday I woke at 5am to go snowboarding. Oh man what a great time.. I was dog dead tired and sore when we finished at 4pm and got home around 8pm with a slight headache, etc. Sunday I pretty much was dead, got a massage, took a few baths, and then watched 5 movies at home. Is that productive? I saw Saw1-4, then Saw 5-6 the next day. I must say I was quite pleaed w/ this series.

Monday I went to the gym and saw a cute girl there... but stay focused, worked out, got haircut, did some work from home for both of my jobs. Yes I too have 2 jobs, though 1 is fake. Tomorrow another grueling day at the office! I didn't sleep well all last week, so tonight I may force myself to bed shortly with a sleeping pill or something. Can't have my week start in hell again.

Anyways I'm happy to have gone to gym 2 weeks in a row and snowboarding was great. 2010 is starting ok. Maybe I can sleep tonight.

I discovered Drake's video Best I Ever Had is my new favorite. Love that.

Life and Excercise and Destiny

I did it, I went to the gym for 1hr.

Forgive me but I am starting slow. I did 30min on the bike, and 45min of weights. I really should run because biking is boring as hell and cardio I am not into so rather do it quickly and hardcore.

However I recall telling my coworker while in the hater mood, how staying healthy doesn't do much for most people. Most people probably are destined to live whatever length they are by merit of genes and circumstance. I am thinking my ideal self, full of vigor and exercise and fiber may live to 69. My avg self of staying semi-healthy 66, and if i am a relatively lazy blob then 63. So whats that buy me.. 6 years? Is it worth it?

I suppose looking forward I don't see the merit. But at the twilight of my life as the end nears, will I cherish every waking day and hope for just one more fantasy football league, or to see one more hot girl's photo in the next issue of Playboy.. ? Hmm I'm having dark thoughts alrighty.

I think perspective would change if I had family/kids. Then I may really feel something more.

I had some bleak thoughts about getting my act together and my coworker said I was already focused and efficient. I said hahaaaa... I'm soooo good at faking!

My 2010 Goals

I suppose its a good thing to write goals. The act of thinking about it is critical -- almost as critical as doing it. One can argue whether its execution or planning that is key.

I won't digress and explain my 2009 in detail, but I can sum it up in a few lines:
- ended relationship w/ psychopath which almost killed me
- survived the post-bankrupt era and emerged a winner at work
- traveled to Shanghai and SZ (new places), revisted HK, California, Vancouver, and Hawaii.
- got fatter by maybe 8lbs

My generic goals:
- Career -> achieve next promotion status (VP)
- Money -> start saving a little more than I do now, reel in some of the frivilous living and keep it "real"
- Friends -> try to stay in better touch w/ family and friends
- Love -> try to find a good girl
- Lifestyle -> drink less, exercise more
- Life -> be happy, enjoy everyday!

Specifics:
- Get to work by 9am. I work at a bank and shamefully.. i rarely get in by 9am. Official start time is 840am, but I often come in at 10am. This is going to burn me oneday.
- Read 1 book per quarter
- Stay focused on the type of girl I want to date and execute*(1).
- Get stuff done (GTD). Try not to procrastinate, when I see something to do, do it ASAP.
- Go to gym, join gym, go regularly. Try to do a small/simple 30min workout at home every night!
- Sleep 8hrs a night. Take medication to sleep if needed!

But this brings me to my other thought.. this year, 2010 is a pivotal one for me. I really think about it, and I believe this may be my last year (on earth? no but in Japan). I think by years end, I will move to HK (to live 1 more year abroad), or move back to North America.

In order to plan my exit, I have to focus.. I have to stay marketable in the job market, which will be a challenge depending where I want to live (ie, no banks in California if thats where I want to go). Its a big career year for me. If I don't get promoted then I have to think.. do I stay another year here? Even if I do get promoted I have to think.. what is my future plan?

I'm considering trying to go from line manager of the system I'm working on, to being a regional architect for the division. There is a global architect in LDN, so perhaps I can join that guys global team, and be local rep. Being a regional head of architecture and building a small highly technical team maybe a better option for me, esp if I want to escape back to America oneday! Plus I find I am not a great project management, I don't have the organizational skills for it.

Footnotes:
(1) -- Last 3 girls I dated: a) older admin (38?) who is a red-neck republican... too old, what am I doing, plus political/personality misfit. b) japanese gal who doesn't speak english, smokes, drinks alot, etc... c) chinese girl who speaks japanese but doesn't speak english, but had huuuuge breasts.... seriously I need to focus my efforts. I am looking for english speaker, age 27-33, nice, pretty, good family and values and non-psychotic!).