Journey to Whistler

I went to Whistler alone. Yep its a long trek man.

Not as long as all but longer than most. The snow is great, mountian is superb. I highly recommend going but be in good shape. I could barely handle it by 3rd day I was dead. Boarding 6hrs a day is not easy on an old man like me.

For many this is an extravagent 5 day trip to take. For me, I have little purpose in life at the moment so its good to live free while I can. Clearly if I settle down then I can refocus at that time. I'm not totally unfocused now, but guess the idea of throwing down $3k just for kicks isn't such a big deal these days.

Hmmm my train of thoughts have all faded. Maybe the one thought I had is that I ponder if I will get married and have kids. Marriage is very likely, kids is getting to the edge of possibility. But its funny, when I think about it, my dad had me when he was 42. I must be following his pattern in which case I should prepare to die at 59 or so. Gives me about 23 more years, thats a pretty decent run.

Question is, will I regret not having a family? I wonder why its so difficult for me to think about whether I want a family or not. Going to Whistler and seeing the families and being its xmas, the family spirit is at its height and I can feel some urge, but its not the innate reproductive urge (well I have the urge to go thru the motions of reproduction but not the followthru) that many men feel. I ask around and many always wanted a family there was no doubt in their mind. For me maybe its due to my semi-screwy family and the lack of a stable home to really build upon? Are these excuses I wonder?

Anyways the point is, its not clear to me. I always, as far as I could remember thought I'd have kids if the wife wanted kids. I don't feel I'm particularly good w/ them so I wonder. But getting old and not having family around is also kinda depressing. But fear of loneliness and depression is a very foolish reason to have kids. Better to just get a dog maybe.

Anyways merry xmas!! I celebrated as usual with my coworkers at my usual bar. Yep thats the singleooo life.

My future and boarding

Tonight was a rare Friday when I went home early.

I went to my usual bar.. but my usual crew weren't all there. There were some new girls to talk to but I didn't have the mojo. One was particular interesting.. Miwa I think, but alas I don't have the spirit and enthusiasm now to chase anyone down. Quite sad really.

At work I had some blowup that pissed me off and made me feel like this is bullshit not worth the stress and made me want to quit. Then found out I'm in a good spot to get promoted so I decided hey this is good shit.

I looked at Linked-In today.. looked at my prior company and people.. and I must say, there were alot of assholes at that company. I never worked at a place with so many people I didn't really care for. Really quite odd. There were definitely good people there and nice people, but there was enough bullshit that I didn't care for it. I'm glad I left. My current crew is way cool, I like the people, they like me, and it keeps me there. I do wish for some semblance of stability in life at work.. but work is never stable, its a transitional state of being. Life is the same.

"Why should I save a world I no longer have any stake in ?" -- Doctor Manhattan