Why must I ponder?

atago shrine. new year you go to pray to the gods.  i should have a lucky year so they say.

I know I am a ponderer.  I ponder my every move and intent and have a hard time coming to terms with things that others do so fluidly.  The simplest thing like buying a Talkabout Radio for me involves:

• Price comparison shopping
• Feature comparison
• Reading reviews
• Technology understanding of what I'm buying

Thus.. no purchase is so simple.  Is it the engineer inside me that must do all this or some weird paranoia that i'm going t make the wrong decision?

While at times I do rash things -- this type of over scrutinizing and over hedging behavior extends into my personal life.  At work I lament if the direction I'm heading is the right one, and with my relationship I ponder what I really want out of life in general.  

GF situation is quite nice, she's a sweet gal, cute, and has a fun personality.  I think in the past I have flipped and flopped about a housewife type of mate and a working mate.  I think most have some preference one way or the other -- in TK its hard to find a working mate because most girls dont have a real job, so their ambitions are also aimed elsewhere.

I have a 40/41 yo buddy who laments this a bit, but his feeling is to head towards marriage w/o the kids component.  He wants to be healthy, travel, surf, ski, and live a quality high-end 50th floor executive condo lifestyle.  I am good w/ this idea as well, but I know deep down that its an incomplete version of life to not have the family component.  

However, what completes a life is not the same for all.  So thats for each to decide on their own.  For me, I've always had this laize-faire stance in life.. if i get married I get married, if I have kids I have kids.. if not whatever.  I think this type of attitude has caused me to be where I am, for good and for bad.  Overall I'm doing pretty well, but as I near 40 I feel some kind of pull on me to finally make some decisions in life and go for it.

Thats really the hard part.. deciding.  I'm in a world of hedging.  Take a bet, but don't bet the farm.  Always have an out.  Hehe.  

Anyways the concrete story in this all is:

1. GF is moving in.  Like now -- this weekend !

2. I am (hopefully) being groomed for middle management at work as of now.

Lotta stuff changing.  Having GF at home is good now that I'm hell busy at work.  I can finally take a step and re-focus on my career.  The last 2-3 years after my last GF I've been in limbo just trying to enjoy life and not really caring about work/career.  Its about time I think.