Journey to Whistler

I went to Whistler alone. Yep its a long trek man.

Not as long as all but longer than most. The snow is great, mountian is superb. I highly recommend going but be in good shape. I could barely handle it by 3rd day I was dead. Boarding 6hrs a day is not easy on an old man like me.

For many this is an extravagent 5 day trip to take. For me, I have little purpose in life at the moment so its good to live free while I can. Clearly if I settle down then I can refocus at that time. I'm not totally unfocused now, but guess the idea of throwing down $3k just for kicks isn't such a big deal these days.

Hmmm my train of thoughts have all faded. Maybe the one thought I had is that I ponder if I will get married and have kids. Marriage is very likely, kids is getting to the edge of possibility. But its funny, when I think about it, my dad had me when he was 42. I must be following his pattern in which case I should prepare to die at 59 or so. Gives me about 23 more years, thats a pretty decent run.

Question is, will I regret not having a family? I wonder why its so difficult for me to think about whether I want a family or not. Going to Whistler and seeing the families and being its xmas, the family spirit is at its height and I can feel some urge, but its not the innate reproductive urge (well I have the urge to go thru the motions of reproduction but not the followthru) that many men feel. I ask around and many always wanted a family there was no doubt in their mind. For me maybe its due to my semi-screwy family and the lack of a stable home to really build upon? Are these excuses I wonder?

Anyways the point is, its not clear to me. I always, as far as I could remember thought I'd have kids if the wife wanted kids. I don't feel I'm particularly good w/ them so I wonder. But getting old and not having family around is also kinda depressing. But fear of loneliness and depression is a very foolish reason to have kids. Better to just get a dog maybe.

Anyways merry xmas!! I celebrated as usual with my coworkers at my usual bar. Yep thats the singleooo life.

My future and boarding

Tonight was a rare Friday when I went home early.

I went to my usual bar.. but my usual crew weren't all there. There were some new girls to talk to but I didn't have the mojo. One was particular interesting.. Miwa I think, but alas I don't have the spirit and enthusiasm now to chase anyone down. Quite sad really.

At work I had some blowup that pissed me off and made me feel like this is bullshit not worth the stress and made me want to quit. Then found out I'm in a good spot to get promoted so I decided hey this is good shit.

I looked at Linked-In today.. looked at my prior company and people.. and I must say, there were alot of assholes at that company. I never worked at a place with so many people I didn't really care for. Really quite odd. There were definitely good people there and nice people, but there was enough bullshit that I didn't care for it. I'm glad I left. My current crew is way cool, I like the people, they like me, and it keeps me there. I do wish for some semblance of stability in life at work.. but work is never stable, its a transitional state of being. Life is the same.

"Why should I save a world I no longer have any stake in ?" -- Doctor Manhattan

Is this good

I am slowly growing less technical. Its happened. I no longer can keep up, but thats okay maybe.

Being a developer is sometimes an easier job. Just just get specs and solve a solveable problem with design and creativity. There are simple rewards of getting it right.

But now I'm managing growing behemoth of a project that has 14 people on it. I come to work and have to think about what the heck everyone will be working on. Its not that easy let me tell you, coordinating 5 regions at the same time. Also having these users calling me regularly as the point person and demanding delivery fast, complaining how many people are working and why things take so long to do... I am getting crushed with it all. Recently I appointed 4 lead people to take on some of the responsibility but seems I am still running the show in detail. Phew...

Maybe this is good.. it definitely is a good experience. Going from managing nobody, or a small team, to a monster project.

Well I think its good. We all have to move forward. And I think this is forward for me.

The Meaning of the Monkey

I met w/ my old friend Scotty the ex-banker while in HK. Let me tell you its going to be hard for me to relate to this guy soon. He's now CFO of a 600m$ public company and involved in acquiring companies and shit like that. Here I am developing random monitoring tools for traders. I find it a step that I can't quite comprehend. He's better off hanging w/ my brother the CFO. Shit I wonder if I'll get to the C** level. Closest I can get is coding C++.

But in the end, he has regular problems in life just like you or I. His GF and he don't get each other, and while engaged they got to the point of her or him moving out and saying farewell. Life is tough man. But I guess if you can make $500k+ a year + $500k+ a year in equity then you have 1 less thing to worry about!

The monkey is a big thing in life. I ponder the importance of Monkey, as do my friends.

In the end I think I can do w/o monkey but its what drives us all. The monkey... the man.. the madness.

In more interesting news I went to Macau this weekend as well. I stayed at Venetian. Many thing I am splurging and I wonder what people do w/ their money. But for me, if I'm on "vacation" I go 4-star/5-star and don't mess around. The incremental cost is worth it.

However I have decided to boycott Venetian Macau. The bastard manager at the Dim-Sum restaurant in Venetian casino pissed me off. I was arguing w/ the guy about the rice and he wouldn't remove it from my bill. Chinese dudes (no offense) are tight w/ money.. its true, they know how to make money. No feebies for sure!

Good news bad news

Good news I realize I'm way over my SF gf at this point. Bad news is its due to my last gf. So I guess its true, new gf's transplant the prior one so its all about making new memories.

I do miss the ex-gf even though she was crazy and was of a bad breed I'd say. Its fundamentally problematic for all of us.. we like who we like and its out of control. I hear so many girls say "i can't find a man... i'm desperate" but in reality nobody is willing to go w/ someone they don't have the magic with. And if the magic is with a married person or someone who is an ass or dangerous you still go with it, because its like a drug, you want the magic so badly that you will sacrifice your dignity and at times your life to have it.

I have been there, and I know many girls (tend to be more emotionally driven) repeat the mistake over and over again.

Its humanity and many take advantage of this by playing the game -- to them I say as long as you are happy with way you live your life, then so be it. I am trying to live a life where I feel I'm doing the right thing and am a good guy (for the most part).

Anyways time will tell.

I am going to rebalance my portfolio and prepare for the big market correction. I may buy Jan '10 leaps (puts) to hedge myself.

Home sale / haters

My unit sold for $580k I think.. I had a bastard downstairs neighbor who would always bitch about the noise even though it was just me. Holy shit wtf.. apt living sucks man. Actually I have never once heard my neighbor upstairs so I must live in a solid building. Or due to economy nobody lives upstairs.

Anyways the unit below sold, according to Zillow for like $540k. Haha!! you bastard thank you. Well he bought for like $200k back in 1990, but whatever you bitch, I'm sure it pains you to know I sold my condo for more!!!

Sometimes its fun being a hater.

Oh speaking of hating. Dating scene is hilarious.

My friend tells me he met a super cute girl and has a Friday date. he said when he met her, some other dude comes up and says how beautiful she is (basically what we, the single men, call "Cock Blocking" or CB). Geez people are such CB's.. can't give a dude privacy when he is working a lady.

Happens to everyone. I met this nail salon girl recently, and I was in the act of exchanging #'s via IR transfer and this DUDE I met just that night comes in and fully interrupts me to talk to me about random shit.. I'm like wtf you ass don't you see I'm at a critical moment of exchanging info... sigh.

At a housewarming, my female colleague finds it necessary to inject herself into conversations w/ the prettiest girls at the party. I think she too has some weird need to stop any action that doesn't include her... cause look man u got your female coworker around its kinda hard to work the magic. Man what a jacked up world!!!

Yep there are haters out there and rarely there are enablers.

Dating and Drunks (D&D)

#1 First commentary on drinking.
Sat night a friend got drunk and he was out of control. First, he was grinding our friend on the dance floor, then bear hugging people, running around like a kid on the street, trying to ring doorbells at 2am, etc. For a while I was afraid he was going to get in trouble for sexual assault or something, definitely turned ugly. There are others who encounter this change of behavior while drinking.

It poses the question is it the true you, the uninhibited you, or some altered form? I believe its an altered form, but I suppose there is some of the uninhibited side that comes out. I like to think a person is himself when he's in balance and in control of what he wants to control and loose the way he normally is. If a drunk person exhibits violence does it mean they are violent inside? I'm not sure. I'm a little touchy/feely but sleepy when drunk, maybe thats the real me?

Don't let drinking ruin your life.

#2 I had decided to find a new girlfriend this weekend.
While this is ridiculous unless you are a pimp-daddy or super popular chap, in Tokyo its not too far off given the amount of single people. So I went on 1 date, met 2 other girls worthy of dating saturday night (called one of them earlier tonight to say hi), and finally got a belated response for another date which won't happen for a few weeks. So I have lined up my final 4 candidates in my short term goal of finding a new girlfriend.

I started to think I should just find someone even if its not a gem, because gems are rare are still flawed, its just that the flaws are better masked. Tombo suggested I go for quantity and in their find the quality. I'm going w/ whatever is available and seeing how it plays out. Is it desperate and am I feeling needy? Hmm... good question, there is definitely a fine line between being too picky and going for anything. I think I'd just say I'm being aggressive this month.

So we'll see. The current list are all girls who have jobs at least. One works for Adidas corporate, 1 has her own small business selling a cosmetic label, 2 work in finance at different companies.

I still find my ex-gf to be cuter than most, but I just have to think back to the terror...

Time and Space

The indestructable man Dr. Manhattan from the Watchmen views time in some instantenous way, non-linearly. It means almost like he lives in a flashback and has little regard for past/present/future. Its not possible for us to comprehend what this means, but I can equate by thinking you would no longer be in touch w/ humanity, because part of humanity is mortality and not knowing when the end is.

I often wonder if people knew their final date on earth if they would live more free or with more worry. Would you attempt to enjoy the rest of your life, or would you worry more about the countdown and let it destroy you as a result?

In other thoughts -- long ago, the idea was to be a salary-man for a company, lawyer, doctor, engineer, or some white collar pro. I think with the way health care, retirement funds, and the economy has gone, the joke is on us white collar folk because the blue (and light blue) collar guys are really the ones w/ the best benefits. Ie, if you are a fireman, policeman, or civil servant, you have great lifetime benefits that nowadays far outweigh corporate benefits. Military men also have it well. I used to sit at my white collar desk at Big-Oh and etc and laugh at grunt low paying jobs like school teachers, and city workers, etc.. but 20 years from now when my health insurance costs me $4,000 a month I won't be laughing...

Then again nobody is safe in todays world. You just have to take care of yourself regardless of whatever you are doing.

Finding yourself

I read Po Bronson's famed book on finding your passion and I often recommend it to people. It doesn't solve anything or attempt to give you the answers which is the brilliant thing about the book. It is simply a way to connect w/ others on this planet and feel you are not alone in your search.

Now this may not help you find yourself and your career though, but it at least lets you realize its common to struggle w/ your goals in life. In this regard being married having a baby, etc is easier because sure, while you sit at midnight while the family is sleeping and ponder what else you could have done w/ your life, you really don't have a choice. My old manager said this too.. that even at his level he doesn't really have many choices, he goes where the family needs to, where the job takes you, etc.

Its only people like me who are truly free. But freedom comes at a price of being lonely. Not in a sad pathetic way, but in a zen kind of way, because to be truly free you cannot have things holding you back and limiting your freedom.

Anyways the actual topic was around him keeping w/ the bank job, or going to start a business in some sense. I said for me, I'm a corporate man. I'm better just sitting back collecting a paycheck and taking my 4 weeks vacation a year. I think it all depends.. if you are making $50k/yr then yes you should take a shot at starting something. At $250k a year, one would have to think hard at what you can do to make the same money w/ little risk and less stress.

Tonight I will try to sleep and start the week fresh.

Next steps

For now I have a few goals.

1) Get promoted, get to next level of career path
2) Save a bit of money / invest
3) Enjoy life find new passions
4) Stay healthy, get healthier.
5) Find new girl

I think thats the order I will try to do it in.

Let me review this list in a few weeks and see how i'm progressing.... there is another 6 months till promotion cycle so I need to focus. God damn.. work is tough.

The Magnum of Love's Destination

I consider myself fortunate -- I've been through various types of relationships.

Yep, I've been in the boring and simple, the naughty and difficult, and etc etc. While I am happy to be have been fortunate to explore these lives I can say I am not sure now if settling down is right. Things change all the time.. can I really be happy forever w/ someone, esp given the ugly side of people I've seen in my past few relationships? Well.. maybe I'll meet a less selfish and more giving type of person. But in Tokyo.. I have my doubts.

One thing I was talking to Gae-Ho about is how he has such a simple lifestyle. He lives in his small apartment w/ his new wife and while they could upgrade and buy a house or bigger apt, they choose to live simple because it gives them the ability to travel and do other things rather than just worry about mortgage/rent. Well done.

I must say I'm the opposite. I'm creating an environment for myself that is getting more and more frivilous and expensive as the years progress. Lets see my rent is like over $4,000 a months now, I started hiring a bi-weekly cleaning lady ($60 per visit), and am thinking of weekly tennis lessons which are about $90.

I need to recalibrate my life oneday. I'm like 36 now. Holy shit. To some this is the primetime of life. To me, it could be, but I gotta get into shape or something to really enjoy it. Been working non-stop recently and its killing me.

Failure

Damn, i had an interview 3rd round at this bank.. and I failed ! I actually did pretty well in the end.. so my theory is.. i misplayed it a bit. Its actually a slight step down for me anyways, so i guess if I wanted it, I needed to downplay the management tasks I have and play up the hands on hardcore developer/architect portion. My strategy was to play both and hope they will be okay with (a) paying me alot, (b) maybe revising the role to fit me (ie, bigger role), rather than have me move a bit down.

In the end, I'm not sure if that was wise or what. I do realize though if you move up the chain.. then the opportunities are less and less. If you are a developer you are generic but in high demand because a project needs just 1 architect or lead, but maybe 5 developers. The sole proj manage/lead/architect can scale bigger as well, but you can never have enough good developers.

It makes me wonder if I should stay super technical or not. Life as a simple engineer is maybe happiest.

I kind of like management in the sense that its leadership but you don't actually do anything. You just set the plan and make decisions. I'm getting better at decision making. I'm also getting better at being strict about deliverables. My hawaii attitude makes it such that I am "whatever goes" and that doesn't make my managers and user happy.

Back Online.

I gotta end this blog soon... i think.

I looked at my financial picture. I am now at about the same net asset value as september 2007. So 2 years were lost. If I didn't take an enourmous hit on a few bad trades I guess I would be in pretty damn good shape financially since the market didn't recover those loses, I put money in from saving! Instead I'm doing OK financially.

I guess not quitting is a good idea. I must milk this cash cow until the bitter end. 2-3 more years of this and maybe I can break the next plateau.

But in the end, is money important? It wasn't, so I was blowing cash fast. But now I think it is important again. Funny when I was gonna marry someone with virtually $0 to their name it didn't matter much maybe I was blinded? but I still don't think it matters that much because in the end if you are compatible you would have the same ideas on life and money shouldn't be an issue.

My Next Move

Its amazing I was able to keep my work going during my months of trauma w/ the ex-gf.

Now I am a bit more focused and suddenly I have like 10 people on this project I am in charge of. I can barely keep above water now, I dont know how I did it before. So I guess I should focus, right now my project people are not working directly for me, but it is a step towards managing my own team. Right now though managing 10 fricking people in different regions on a project is way more work than managing a team of 3 which is what I would prefer to do.

Anyways I think back to the ex-gf Miss Korea at times. Was it clear from the start that it was trouble? I think so.. lack of reasonableness and ability to compromise and discuss things. Some things she didnt like and that was final, she didnt like it. I think I tried too hard to smooth things over because I never had an unreasonable gf before. But in the end, some people cannot be reasoned with, and that problem never goes away. Another obvious sign is her poor relationship with her parents.

The good things were that I thought she was adorable, good cook, clean, and yes she was a porn star in bed. I think the adorable and porn-star qualitities are dangerous ones to bank a relationship on. People all get old and lose cuteness. Peoples sexual drives also change. What you can rely on is their good nature, good values, and family upbringing.

Anyways I will clearly seperate the LT potential from the trash going forward. Will try not to mess w/ the trash, but I am in a trashy town so its hard to sort it out.

This is Saturday. I gotta go get a new cell phone! Wooo... shop your way to happiness?? There was an article on how trauma/stress incites more spending on lavish items. I maybe will buy a $10,000 rolex next.

Life and Consequences

Breaking news is .. I am not getting married.

In the end it was a nightmare decision.. I always knew it. But somehow its easy to ignore the truth at times and be too positive or think that things will better later on.. but in reality things take time to change.

Anyways I need to end this blog as it is the end of another phase of life. I can:t comment exactly on what this phase meant to me. I would consider it the post-GB phase of 3 years during which i had alot of short relationships, and one semi-long relationship with a psychopath that one could say trapped me into getting married using terrorist tactics. Its a really sad story, but the details dont really belong here so I will leave it to the readers imagination.

For now I am back to square one!!

My Life

I must update that my life is going to change soon.

I'm excited about it but quite shocked and disturbed that my greedy little world is coming to an end. But what will I miss most and miss least?

Will I miss dating and romping around? Absolutely not, I hated dating. Girls are bitches and superficial and its a monkey-show trying to date in a town like this. What is a monkey show..? I dont know but girls want you to entertain them like a monkey which is what I mean. Rarely you meet a quality girl.. like my coworker Baka, but they are rare indeed.

Will I miss traveling to HKG and Macau and living that life? Yes yes.. but again it was emptiness at the end of the day. Empty abandon of gambing, smoking, drinking, etc.. it lacked meaning and substance and while I loved it, I did it quite a bit. I can move on.

Will I miss the personal freedom? Yes, that is what I fear. Especially because I have a draconian wife to be. How I deal with this truly define my existance. I must have clear strategy in mind so that I can have some balance in life.

Will I miss spending carelessly? Yes, but honestly I was wasting money on random crap so its good if we can focus. Question is if wife will focus !?

Will I miss coming home to silence? I'm not sure. At times I like to come home to nothing.. and other times I like coming home to my gf. I hope to enjoy coming home to baby/child.

Do I look forward to growing up? I guess I'm 36 its about time.

End of this chapter ??

Apt found - money disappearing.

I finally found an apartment. Its amazing what living in tokyo will do to you. I went from living in a big 1000ft 1br w/ den in the snobtop SF heights to living in 700ft^2 which is considered big in tokyo where I am. I found a place which is about 1280ft^2 as my next destination, at quite a chunk of change but in theory its just a bit over my budget if I factor in typical % of gross for housing. My formula to justify is this:

progressive tax rate between 9mm-18mm yen is 33% fed, and 10% state. So you are looking at a whopping 43% tax rate in that 6-figure zone. At 18mm+ its 40% + 10% or 50% ! Highest in the world as you approach $200k. Anyways I pay rent pre-tax, so it occurs to me.. if rent comes off the top, then I'm saving rent*taxrate, or effectively paying rent * (1-rate). So rent a $4k place? I could imagine I'm paying $4k*.57 = $2280. Hmmm but in the end its still a ripoff!

But see the theory, more you spend on rent, the more you save!?

If I ever move back to the US I will get the big dream house... like our old friend Kawaker once had. But maybe I'd grow sick of it quickly like many do.

Anyways I had this interesting conversation w/ a fellow I work w/ who is 4 years older and 1 rank higher. We wuz talking about buying a house and it surprised me how he said even 10% down payment would be tough as well as monthly mortgage... Hmmm he outranks me I can't imagine he's making less, so is it just BS or what?

It could be BS becuase even my sister tells me she's net negative every month but its a joke because she's net negative after socking 40% of her money into investment/savings. duh....

I missed out on $50k of gains in the market due to inaction. Or you could say I prevented myself from losing $25k ? Hahaha

Budgets

I'm doing my budget now.

I will now begin the phase of life where I obsess over budgeting the minutia of my life. Quite sad really. But analysis of spending patterns is key.

I realize at this point in life I don't spend any money on stuff. M major monthly expenses:
- haircut $75 (listen this is tokyo...)
- lunch $15
- coffee break/breakfast daily $6
- transit to/from work (taxi + train) $20
- misc shopping, clothing, etc are amortized in some way but not typical spend.

So basically I spend $41 a day or avg to $1200 a month. Quite high compared to days of old but again this is the hell hole grind of Tokyo.

I don't know what my gf spends money on, I need to dig into her budget w/ some more scrutiny. Many of these girls are so irresponsible w/ money.... they don't know themselves.

I'm re-budgeting because I'm looking at renting a new apartment. Rents are down on the high end > $4k. Below $4k is down 10% at most because its still a feasible range for most. >$4k was only expat and those contracts are far and few between these days.

Marriage Hunter

My friend posted this article
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20090712/lf_afp/lifestylejapansocietymarriagepopulation;_ylt=AtH0wGQUh2WcOpdwRIbnSSoDW7oF

About marriage hunting. Its true, Japan is a weird place. I find a few things of interest:
- Some people get married just to get married because its time or want a baby.
- Many people get married just to anyone who makes money (same anywhere maybe).
- There is a mad dash at 26-28 to hurry up, because after 30 you are old news.
- Most of the unmarried population of females is (to be brutally frank) unattractive. Any hot girl has many suitors. (Conversely populate of single men are not exactly rich).

These marriage parties or meeting parties (called kompa or gokon -- arranged by friends of friends usually in packs of 2-on-2 or 5-on-5) are prevalent in the society since aggressive western behavior of hunting for your mate at a local bar is not acceptable conduct. So outside work and school.. you have only one option but to go to meeting parties!

But same thing anywhere.. good stuff is in demand. Just as a hotshot good looking investment banker is in demand, so is any girl who has a nice body and face to match --they aren't going to marry anyone. I see it everyday at the local bar and the gokon events I've gone to... desperate females.. but all pretty unattractive. Occasionally a pretty gal comes by, but they have their standards set beyond the reach of mere mortals like us.

My gf once told me.. her guy friends would say, hey don't you have any friends you can intro me to? So she would bring a single friend who is pretty unattractive and they would say... "uh you don't have any friends more like.. like you??" -- and she basically concluded all her friends who are single at this age (30) are not too attractive. Such a superficial world we live in.

Its a sad game we all play in the big cities like this. I envy those who find true love.

Money

I am obessive about money, but I think I am also just selfish about it.

Though I think I'm fairly responsible about it.. now that I am getting married, I have to support the family but in my case since I have a housewife I have to pay for her as well which is a different thing than I'm used to. No matter the case it is hard to imagine giving someone allowance.

But there are really 3 scenarios which all my married friends concur with on the right one. Take a guess.

1) Share the money, let wife have open access to accounts and be responsible.
2) Give wife allowance w/ enough to let her save some money for whatever she wants.
3) Give wife tight allowance and have her ask for big purchases.

For some reason its rare that (1) works or maybe my friends have irresponsible wives. but I think woman are just different.. they like to shop. Its a well known problem. They also don't realize the money tree doesn't grow on its own and has an end if you keep drawing from it.

Anyways my sister said you should spend 27.5% on housing at the most. Okay I spend 22.5% housing (Gross). But then she said save 30% gross, and I said hmmm that sounds high! I was looking at 30% net instead of gross.

Oh well all this thinking can create bad blood. Live free!!!

Unfortunately the "live free" idea fails in the face of marriage and kids. I need a new motto.

New Blog ?

I may start a new blog called... life with a Japanese Wife.
coming soon

Tales of what weird things they do.....

Today i mentioned the mean income in japan is ~43k $USD and she said omg are you crazy??? and i said uh.. yeah, you don't realize the typical person is poor in almost all countries. You are in the top 5% of living conditions in the nation, and top 2% worldwide. You gotta go visit africa sometime baby.

Anyways she heard some myth that 10% of the Japanese population makes more than $150k, and I said hmm I don't think so. metric I heard/read is that top 3 or 6% make > $75k. Couldn't find demographics.

She was shocked.

Work Ponderance

I ponder the question.. is going into management really a value add to my bottom line?

I need to get data.. like are managers making more money or are some developers doing better? I am thinking maybe I'm a well paid developer so that a step into a minor management role is not going to get me much money per-se... not until sr. management when the bucks really start rolling in.

So given the added stress to manage a team and own a product, is it worth it? Am I going to make.. what $10k more or $20k more? bah.. for the extra 20hrs a week plus stress etc. Gotta wonder man.

Yes I am a bit stressed at work. Lotta bullshit have to deal with on my quest to make $500k a year.

But in reality maybe I don't need that much money. I think I just need like $1mm cash to put down on a house then I'm good. For a decent Tokyo house we are looking at $1.4mm. God damn, this sucks living in expensive places. Same predicament in SF, where I guess $1.2mm will do for a decent place (last time I looked). But in SF interest rates are 6.5% for jumbo, so a loan on $800k is the same as a loan on $1.2mm @ 1.5% in Japan. Interesting eh??

I ponder I coul move to a cheap town -- but then the pay sucks and its cheap for a reason (like nobody wants to really live there). Total catch-22 dude... wtf can I do.

The key is to stop wanting and just live free.

Ponderence

Really thinking I will settle down soon. I'm too damn tired. I went out w/ my friend last week and damn he is money. He picks up a new girl just like that. He's a super nice guy but seriously this gal was totally into him and has chased him down to her house and back to his house. I don't get that kinda play, its so annoying. haha.. not a reason to settle down, but just goes to show single life aint all that!

I have maybe one last urge left in life though.. and its a tough one. Tough call tough call.. getting old and am tired. I find going out for a few kicks on Sunday I'm tired by 8pm and want to go home and rest.

Anyways my GF is a good housewife and mom material. Sure don't make money but I guess I can support the family, what else am I living for? Hmmmm just have that one last itch at work.... Also the problem of where to work and live long term troubles me. But shit thats troubled me for years its not going to change.

Same old shit same old shit

Is it the same old shit to do the Vegas trip every year?

And then the same old shit to do the HKG trip every year?

Yes its hard to say.. if we truly need to keep re-inventing ourselves and coming up w/ new shit to do, or if the same old shit is really good

So I been to HKG and Macau like what 5 times now. Hmm its fun, gambling, smoking, drinking, etc.. lots of fun. But I look around there are 2 major types of people. The young kids and the old men who are probably married. Then there is the 3rd type which potentially me, which is the dude who has no wife and no gf and has nothing better to do with his time and money but to gamble and shit. So is that my life?

Hmmm I ponder it. I think the problem is that I'm 36 now, and I mostly hang w/ people 23-32 so a bit younger shade. Peer group is critical to the urge to merge.

Another thing is that I realize having money makes being single alot easier. Not having to worry about anything financially helps. Although it doesn't exactly help me get closer to any goal of buying a $1mm house or anything since I'm fairly unfocused on spending. I don't think I'm tracking my spending much nowadays. I imagine I'd be shocked at the amounts I pay for stuff like travel, food, and taxi. Oh well.. I figure if I do settle down that part will come under control in a natural way. If I'm single then no need to worry about myself so much.

Anyways life continues forward!! slowly anyways.

Let me think about it.. as I go to T's wedding I'll ponder marriage and kids for myself.

Sun is gone!

Wow that is so weird..

I worked at ORCL then PSFT then SUN...
and now I really just worked at ORCL after they bought eveyrone else

I guess its good for my long term resume. Now I can fold all these companies into one. Looks like I worked 4 yrs at the same place.

3.5yrs Oracle, 2yrs Sybase, 3.5 yrs HPQ.

My life would be cleaner if Barclays bought Lehman, then I could say I worked at Barclays for now 4 years..

Maybe if you work long enough all the companies out there fold into each other.. so eventually we'll all be working for the government or for China.

Cost of having a stay at home wife

Travel to US for 1 week, total cost estimate: $7,000 -- due to discusions w/ tom i decided to do an inventory since i was sure it was not close to 10k, i thought closer to 5k at first.

Big ticket items:
Airfare 1420 (Intl) + 200 (LA-SF) + 500 (LV)
Hotels 400 (Vegas) +600 (OC)
Vegas spa, golf, dining 1500
Car 300 (OC)
Dinner, dining, drinks, disneyland, etc.
Minor shopping -- did not buy anything really.

Yep you can pretty much cut that in half if you are single ! Why? One thing.. if you are single you can just sleep on somebody's couch.

In this economy blowing $7k here and there maybe not wise.

I'm going to Macau in 2 weeks though there goes another $5k !

Vegas Dreams

Is it the case of marginal utility value, ie, loss of value of doing the same thing over and over again, or have we changed, or did the event change?

Vegas 2009 was fun, but not as fun as 2007 or 2008. For me it was because I took the GF along which slows life down for me. Lesson learned....

But it was fun to see the gang, mixing golf into the mix was a great idea for sure.

I learned that.. Wynn rooms are nice, but not as nice as Palazzo and not as nice as Venetian Macau. I may try to stay at Wynn Macau and see how it compares so I can properly survey the world.

Otherwise the usual GF drama ensues.

Why must I ponder?

atago shrine. new year you go to pray to the gods.  i should have a lucky year so they say.

I know I am a ponderer.  I ponder my every move and intent and have a hard time coming to terms with things that others do so fluidly.  The simplest thing like buying a Talkabout Radio for me involves:

• Price comparison shopping
• Feature comparison
• Reading reviews
• Technology understanding of what I'm buying

Thus.. no purchase is so simple.  Is it the engineer inside me that must do all this or some weird paranoia that i'm going t make the wrong decision?

While at times I do rash things -- this type of over scrutinizing and over hedging behavior extends into my personal life.  At work I lament if the direction I'm heading is the right one, and with my relationship I ponder what I really want out of life in general.  

GF situation is quite nice, she's a sweet gal, cute, and has a fun personality.  I think in the past I have flipped and flopped about a housewife type of mate and a working mate.  I think most have some preference one way or the other -- in TK its hard to find a working mate because most girls dont have a real job, so their ambitions are also aimed elsewhere.

I have a 40/41 yo buddy who laments this a bit, but his feeling is to head towards marriage w/o the kids component.  He wants to be healthy, travel, surf, ski, and live a quality high-end 50th floor executive condo lifestyle.  I am good w/ this idea as well, but I know deep down that its an incomplete version of life to not have the family component.  

However, what completes a life is not the same for all.  So thats for each to decide on their own.  For me, I've always had this laize-faire stance in life.. if i get married I get married, if I have kids I have kids.. if not whatever.  I think this type of attitude has caused me to be where I am, for good and for bad.  Overall I'm doing pretty well, but as I near 40 I feel some kind of pull on me to finally make some decisions in life and go for it.

Thats really the hard part.. deciding.  I'm in a world of hedging.  Take a bet, but don't bet the farm.  Always have an out.  Hehe.  

Anyways the concrete story in this all is:

1. GF is moving in.  Like now -- this weekend !

2. I am (hopefully) being groomed for middle management at work as of now.

Lotta stuff changing.  Having GF at home is good now that I'm hell busy at work.  I can finally take a step and re-focus on my career.  The last 2-3 years after my last GF I've been in limbo just trying to enjoy life and not really caring about work/career.  Its about time I think.

Wow

Wow Dow under 7000... world is coming to a halt.

I noted I am down 28% in my managed IRA since I funded it.  My advisor should be shot.  But I guess she is beating the index (which is what -40%?).  Does that make one happy to hear they are beating the index by some margin.. but ultimately losing money?

Hmmm.... pfft

On dating front, I am maybe going to let the gf move into my apt....  i think there are many red flags here.  What the heck am I doing.. ?

Star Wars

Its some national holiday today to celebrate the first Japanese Emperor.

Guess what theme they have roaring on some right-wing demostrator's audio systems as propaganda engines roar down the street?  The theme song from Star Wars for the empire, like when vader and the evil empire are on the screen.. "dum dum dee dum dum dee dum dum..." you know which one right?

Thats so weird.  First off...  this is not a japanese song.  Hello its from Lucas, Star Wars, American... the other evil empire.  Second, hello its like playing the nazi them song, the empire was evil, did these guy watch and understand Star Wars at all??

Weird man... funny but weird.

All Hail Japanese Racism

I don't think I have any true japanese friends and the one I kind of have is married to a non-japanese person so its probably okay to talk about this hot topic.

It comes up because my gf's family is hypocritical group of racists.  They aren't too happy w/ their daughter dating people from the group of Chinese, Korean, and Taiwanese.  Apparently they wouldn't be happy w/ white or black, but perhaps less unhappy.  The whole thing doesn't make any sense, obviously it has to do w/ the imperialist days when Japan controlled these asian  countries, but does it make any sense that those who were slave-owners should be more resentful than those who were slaves?

I suppose its the same as black-n-white america.  Blacks should be (and are) unhappy but sure enough the white supremicsts are the ones trying to keep their white-race clean by not dating "down" w/ the black people.  And seems the Japanese have the same idea of not dating "down" w/ races of formerly conquered and enslaved koreans and chinese.  Geez its sad to think someone I'd meet has family as old minded and primative as this... but I think I'm not aware of just how stale in "tradition" and closed thinking Japan is.

Well thats why the gaijin come to this country and (figuratively)  rape and pillage it for all its worth and bag out once their contacts are done.  Its fun to play, but when it comes down to it, this country has tradition and mentality locked in from thousands of years ago, and its hard to break the mold.  There are definitely very progressive families out there, but the #'s are less than the norm it'd seem.

Yep thats the type of stress I have for no reason.  Just annoys me and makes me feel sorry for these people who have parents who are so controlling.  My cousin is dating a girl whose family seems the same way.  So restrictive.. that they have no choices.  Then the parents get on their back about not getting married.  Its like, wtf??  You told me to break up w/ all the guys I wanted to marry of course nobody is left.  Lightning doesn't strike 3 times for most people.

Illness and all

I must get a cold 2x a year nowadays.

I wonder what is up.  My japanese physical was mostly good, but I had elevated levels of triglycerides and CPR (c-reactive proteins).  the CPR is likely due to have a stomach flu the week before and slightly during my physical.  Triglycerides mean I am too fat but exercise can fix that.

But I think.. I am a sickly boy for sure.  I wonder how to improve ones immune system.  Or I have AIDS.  Its possible.  I always figure I will die young, thus I should live it up more.

Being so sick and away from work is quite bad... messing up my reputation.  Of course I'm here dying at the J-bank so the future at this place is questionable anyways.  So all in all, I take it step by step, day by day.  No big deal.

Other deeps thoughts.. not so much.  I ponder the gf situation.  While I really like her and enjoy the downtime of being at home and living a peaceful life w/ her, I wonder if once bitten by the big city lights is it not possible to go back to suburb style living?  I do have the urge to go out, party, etc... and this disturbs her quite a bit.  The catalyst for many fights.

For me I'm almost 36.. 36 this month.  Still single.  While not depressing, its not ideal.  I suppose we all had our options back in the days, and we are where we are due to lack of foresight, action, and due to random circumstance.  Only thing we can do is look forward from now.  And at the moment I am not sure what direction is up.

Complainer

Admittedly I'm a complainer.

In this age, people are lucky to have a job period.

Here I sit on my throne and ponder why I should bother coming into to work at all.

Yes... I sit here, waiting for a layoff and my April bonus while others suffer.

Do I deserve to have the easy life?  Now don't get me wrong, I don't have an easy life by any means, but clearly I am not suffering.

Should I feel the suffering of others more and help them in order to reach enlightenment?

Am I spouting off senseless nonsense that is a collection and intermingling of various movies and TV shows I've seen in my past ?

Do biore men's strips really do anything useful or are they excessively removing stuff from pores?

Tis the mysteries of life.  

living life

In Kabukicho, you can buy condoms in giant size boxes, in S,M,L,LL sizes!  

Black charred ramen. Quite good ramen here but you must venture out and look.  I am beginning to think I need to get a car, or at least get a license so I can rent a car regularly.

This weekend I did domesticated life with Miss Korea.  We went to Costco and IKEA, stayed home and moped about.  On Sunday I admit I wondered to myself whether this is the life I am ready for.. doing nothing at home...   its weird, I think w/ my last gf, I got sick of going out and wanted to just stay home and do nothing on the weekend, but I think she wanted to do more stuff.  Now have the tables turned??  

Hmmm... not sure.  

Oh well, at least I have a job for now.

Fallout

The end is near for my company's way of life.  We are all moving out of our offices soon to a new location, to be hardcore Japanese people and live the samurai way!

For now, I am starting to get busy after numerous re-orgs..  above is what a power-developers desk looks like.  4 monitors (2 x19", 2 x17"), and a bloomberg terminal next to me (2 x 19")..  it creates envy amongst others in IT, so it is a rare sight to have such a lavish setup.  In my case, our office is abandoned so scaveging parts is fine.

2009 bodes to be interesting.

Spent the weekend sick at home.  I discovered  I can still have sex while having a cold.

Seoul Fun

So I went to Seoul.  Miss Korea knows her way around these joints which is good.  

Seoul is fun, many reasons.  Food is outstanding and cheap as hell.  Kalbi/bbq for 2 w/ beer is like $20-25 nowadays due to the exchange rates.  I bought a fake D0lce&Gabana scarf for $5, cheap gloves for $1.  Awesome stuff.  Taxi's are cheap too.  4-star hotels $140, 5-star $190.  Smell of kimchee is everywhere though god dammit.

My cousin Steve-o was telling me how he also has trouble finding a good mate.  he's 40 now so he realizes its harder since the girls he's dating are late 20's early 30's and many have problems of past relationships, etc.  The latest girl is an actress and she has problems of being depressed due to the lack of her career going anywhere.  

On the flip side, he's dating a hot 28 yo model for god's sake!  He also has 7 pairs of Ferragamo shoes, so he is money.  Grass is always greener.. I'm sure the married folks who found their mates younger in life have some days when they ponder what it'd be like to be free... and let me tell you, I did when I was in a LT relationship.  And now that I'm single, I envy those who found someone early in life before life battered their impressions of humanity and made them haters.

Then again, some are just haters by nature, and some love life.  Just need to find people who love life.  Come to think Miss Korea doesn't seem to love life much, thats one of the problems with her.

And now work comes to fruition.. big bosses seem to have a new role for me.... and its in Tokyo!  Hmmmm I thought I was moving to HK??  Oh well live has a way of rerailing the best laid plans.  Haha.