Circular Tendancies and the Vision

Admittedly I must be wary not to repeat my past blogs.  Age does this.. I find myself repeating myself alot in terms of blog points or even stories to random friends.  I forget whom I've told what stories to.  I'm getting old.  Thats my excuse and I'll stick w/ it.

Honestly I do ponder if age is a real issue here, or if its just an excuse to avoid learning things.  I have pretty much avoided properly learning more Japanese and learning Chinese, stating age as a barrier to learning new stuff quickly.  Is it true?  I believe it is.. but I don't know, I think its somewhat a matter of dedication and effort -- my desire is just not there for some of what I think I want to learn.

Anyways, I have this vision of myself at times that I wanted to share.  Its interesting because the vision of oneself, or ones perception is often so different from reality that it is shattering.  There are probably some psychological roots to this idea of self-image.  I'm not saying I have a confidence problem or image problem, its more of the image/vision of my productivity in life.  I visualize myself doing more with my idle time than just bumming around, mindlessly surfing the web, playing occasional games, etc.

I've come to believe in the idea of Time vs Money.  The key is how much free money you have and how much free time.   As you grow up, you have lots of time (in my day I did), but no money.  As a college student imagine if you had money.. what a life you could have had.  Then you start working and slowly building up equilibrium of having a bit less time but more money.  Hit 27 you are probably at the peak in terms of free time (not too busy at work yet, not married), and money (no family so low expenses).  Then most buy a house, get married, etc so your free time and free cashflow rarely increases much.  More you make, the more kids you have, bigger house, etc, so you are perpetually in the same economics.  

The kicker is when you don't get married and don't buy houses you wind up in this weird flux state of having too much free money and too much free time on your hands.  You see, I don't know if people were meant to live like this, but people do.  And as time moves on in singledom and your career progresses that free time + free money gap increases and then the next thing you know you are a serial killer due to the excesses in life.

Hhaah, okay that was a bit extreme an ending to this entry.  I just saw "American Psycho" starring Chris Bale (aka Batman) so it had its influence.

Anyways, back to the topic.. I have a vision of myself doing something more productive.  Working hard, making a difference, studying more, working out more, etc.  But in the end, I wind up wasting my excess time and money.  Why is that?

 

Sorrow on my deathbed

I've been sick last few days. I think during these days of illness is when I am at the weakest mentally. I tend to think about sorrowful things and being lonely the most when I'm ill. Anyways at work we got our bonus #'s and wow they are about the same as last year, so bull market baby! With usd2jpy dropping to historic lows.. what else could play to my advantage?? But due to massive investment losses I cannot say I'm all that excited about my financial prospects.

Anyways during the deathly period I thought about what I will do with my life. I swear I think about this a lot. Haha.. I'm forever playing around I guess. Thats what my latest girlfriend thinks, I like playing... hmm really?

The Easy Life 2

Yeah its the easy life for me. Just got a 10% bonus for doing nothing, basically the company cashed out our retirement plan so bamn, instant money for nothing and at a rate of 90 jpy2usd. Later this week we get our bonus #'s.. and due to our bankruptcy, who knows but i may get money for doing nothing while most companies are laying people off left and right.

I'm sure the only other guy doing really well is my 'Hou compadre since Ogamanation has struck and he is a grad of this prestigious rich kid prep school. That school will probably flourish more to create more elitist while a few hundred other schools will fail. But hey we are not a socialist economy so more power to the powerful right?

So for me, I ponder the fundamental rational of life and love. I think I find myself at odds with myself and my current situation esp the girlfriend. I think the biggest problem is being in a town like Tokyo means any girl who is half hot, or full hot, or 1.5x hot finds herself with men hitting on them at all times. Sure this happens in Hawaii I found, as while on vacation my gf was approached like on a daily basis by some random dude trying to talk to her while I was not at close guardian proximity, but I guess in Hawaii the dudes are mostly bums. In Tokyo the dudes are wealthy men who offer the girls apartments, cars, rolex watches etc. I compare notes w/ my coworker who has this same issue.. his gf has men propositioning them with lavish gifts as well.

I guess my point is that it comes down to trust. I must say, its the fundamentally most important thing in a relationship, to have full and utmost trust in your partner. So much that you are willing to put your life in their hands. You can never positively know what your partner has in mind, so having the faith is so important.. I can't stress it enough.

My problem it seems is I don't know if I can trust this girl yet. And I guess she doesn't trust me yet from my last conversation w/ her.. its somewhat of the problem of living in a town like Tokyo where everyone is cheating and having casual sex is as common as eating ice cream on the street. The game is different here. In the end I wonder if I am letting lust overwhelm me in this relationship....

Holiday fun, work was busy, and life rolls around

2008 closes soon.. what have I really done this year? I think I had fun. Wow I had fun in 2007 so I think I'm having alot of fun, but whats it really for?

I went to Hawaii w/ the girl I'm dating. Why? I don't know.. I think a) I have time, b) work is boring, and c) I want to quickly find out if this girl is worth investing time in. While going to Hawaii costs money, time is money too, and I thought it'd be nice to spend a week together to get to know each other in rapid fashion. In the end, I am not that certain but I had a great time and felt we get along quite well... but alas, there are always problems so life is never perfect.

Oh btw wtf is w/ the beachfront in Hawaii.. its shrinking. Water levels are rising. This is weird. I am waiting for HNL real estate to collapse... can it really hold it together while the world crashes? Where is the economy/money in Hawaii.. ? The boom of japanese tourism is all but gone, only chinese, aussies, and canadians and your occasional cheap american.

More on the gf later...

For work, soon as I return I have the big boss asking where I am and wants to meet w/ me like right away. So I find out that.. I'm not laid off, but instead moved to a diff project that has some dudes leaving. Waaaa.. so its interesting I spent ~6 months in MBS, ~6 months in Credit, and now maybe I'll spend the next 6 months in Rates. Then off to FX, and who knows what else.

A bit of brilliant news at work.. seems if we survive like 5 more days we are guaranteed a bonus payout even if we get laid off. In 5 days we supposedly get communicated our bonus #'s so at that point it'll be locked in. Looks like I'm locked into a good half year of pay on the downside if I get laid off, not bad.

Life is easy, I admit it. I have the easiest life.... such a shame.