Death again

My friend tells me his cousin died recently. No idea why or how, but damn he was younger than me. I'm not at the age where I should expect people to die around me and not be surprised. So its a bit messed up.

My colleage says in tokyo suicide and death at youth is so common that they aren't surprised. They have several friends under 30 who have died. What the hell...

Anyways any death surprises me and makes me realize how good it is to be alive and living life. I often say I will die young, and its not because of a dangerous lifestyle or plan to kill myself, its just my geneology would probably predict a modest lifeline of 55-65 yrs. As a result I plan to life my life with some desire to do something.

For example I'm going to Hong Kong to work from the office there during the week and goof on the weekends!! hahaaaaa. HK is a dangerous place... all the vices are there.....

Identity

I got around to watching most of the movies I borrowed from my friends and some I downloaded, etc. I saw Identity, not bad, fairly clever story. I also watched Flags of our Fathers and Two Iwo Jima. Both good, not as deeply touching as thought they'd be, but they get to the point which is that life is short and we are all lucky to live in peace and have the opportunity to live full, rich lives.

I for one am very grateful to our veterans and am shocked at how many would risk their lives like they did. I don't know if I would be so brave and honorable.

Anyways I have been ill this weekend and when I am ill my spirits sink a little. I question myself, my identity, my goals, my being. All the idle time I suppose is what causes this... perhaps lack of focus, or perhaps its the simple feeling of missing something. Anyways don't want to get into this now.

I saw 2 episodes of OC. Damn, people love watching shows like this so they can dream about the good life.. the Newport Beach sons of doctors driving Range Rovers in HS type life.. sheesh. Kinda makes me sick. I wonder how my friend Kawaker can stand being in the school w/ so much privilege youts. I suppose there is no reason to be negative towards them, for they are our future leaders and they were born into it, nothing they can do about it. But nonetheless... I find it a bit unjust compared to so many others. Oh well thats life man.

Money

I honestly haven't thought much about money in a while. Nowadays I don't give a shit, I am gonna die soon anyways.

I think the guy who is obsessed w/ it is the guy who tells me I'm all about money, thats irony for you.

This summer I decided to just survive thru the heat by taking taxis. It costs me about $9-10 each way. For 2 more months I think it is an acceptable expenditure to survive an otherwise horrible time of the year. Although what I'd really like is a taxi waiting at my apt every morning at 830am... damn that'd be good cause the walk to find a taxi is fricking hot too.

Luxury living baby!! I'm going to HKG next friday too. Wooooooooo... probably drop $5g on this trip, yep yep.

My Lazy Day

Saturday... what'd I do? Hmm.. woke up went to eat breakfast. Came back.. slept till noon, then ran to eat ramen, buy a new tennis bag, then to tennis between 4-6pm, then hung out w/ a few people from tennis till 9pm, then back home at about 10pm.. Another friend called to see if I was coming out to his party/event that starts @ midnight in NakaMeguro. i was like wtf its already 11pm.. ugg nah no can.

Anyways this is the life, and at times its fun and if I went out tonight maybe in the blind fun of drinking and chasing girls I'd think this is the life, but in reality I don't know if I can do it much longer. Course I say this and keep on trucking forward...

Tennis was fun, there is one girl I really have my eye on in tennis. She's damn good at tennis too which is cool. I wonder if I can put a move on.

This other gal from tennis I know has a Ph.D from Columbia. I thought she was single (as I assume for all Tokyo girls), but seems she's been w/ the same dude for 7yrs and is getting married soon (finally). Now I peg her age at 32 or so.. maybe 34. Anyways turns out the dude she is with is also a PhD from Columbia and a professor in japan. Wtf geez.. i guess I was out of my league, I thought I had a chance there too! ahhaa oh well not nearly as cute as the other gal and not nearly as much in common. Whats jacked up is that her family doesn't like the dude and doesn't want her to marry him. Hello..how much better u think your daughter is gonna do at her age???


Anyways what can I do, this is my life.

Productivity Check

1. Japanese -- going very well. Studying 1-2chapters a week, progressing. Could be better but at least going forward quite well. My teacher is somewhat impressed too.

2. Working out -- not going well, haven't done anything. Realized today what my ideal diet should be:
- morning dry cappucino (dry saves calories on milk)
- regular lunch
- late afternoon snack/dry cappy
- veggies from the corner farmers market. Ie, boiled corn, cucumber, carrots, etc. Fresh stuff, really quite good for me. That plus some oatmeal maybe as dessert. I should just avoid eating dinner if possible or stuff myself w/ plain oatmeal.

3. Work -- I literally get nothing done many days. Getting worse, getting easier since I can talk to the secretary for hours on end. Haha. But seriously on this regard I feel.. I'm starting to get close to the point where I need to study again.

When I was 25 I had only 2 yrs experience but I was way ahead of the curve such that I couldn't get a job that I wanted simply because on paper I was too jr. I am sure at that time I was way better than people with double my experience but mainly because I was a nut, studying and trying to learn new stuff 24x7. I just needed some grays at that point in my career. I got those grays now, but w/ 12yrs+ of experience I'm starting to fall back under the curve technically of where a 12+yr veteran should be.

However, I'm at bank so technical skill is just 1/2 the puzzle. I've kind of been doing the same thing at the bank, waiting a few years to mature because 2yrs is worthless in terms of industry experience. I'll start getting to 3,4,5yrs where on paper I am valued.. but unlike when I was 25, I am not ahead of the curve. I should probably get into gear in this respect.. and get to par.

I guess what I am saying is that my last 6yrs been slacking from the first 6yrs of what I built up in knowledge. I should spend a few years retooling myself now for the next decades.

Hmmmm

Recently had a squabble w/ this good friend of mine. I think we have a difference in philosophy and it bothers me a bit. The squabble was about something else, but my deep analysis brings me to this thought...

I feel his priorities in life and wrong, but its not that its wrong, its that it doesn't quite match mine. I dont know if this is a serious problem or not. One has to accept a person for who he is, proclivities and all. Thus I understand but at the same time am annoyed.

It stems from my observation of his focus in that he a) puts getting laid ahead of most other things in life, b) cheats on his girlfriend -- stringing her along until he can find a better girl, c) finds ultimate accomplishment in sleeping w/ random girls.

It puts forth the philosophical question of whether this one aspect of his personality that I don't agree w/ is a measure of his real being or not. Lots of guys have their flings, or have affairs, or lead girls on, etc. Doesn't mean they are bad people does it? I think having a fling or going to cambodia to have sex with 18yo girls is questionable in terms of morales and health, but in the end these guys aren't going to leave their GF or wife, so I'm okay w/ the need to fulfill a natural urge. Leading a girl on emotionally and just using them till the next thing comes along is somewhat cruel to me, but thats because I am too weak maybe.

Anyways its a bit odd, I'm no saint, but I do have some morales and try to do the right thing. Of course this empathy may be holding me back from lots of fun, but I guess its the way I wanna live. I guess thats the way he wants to live and maybe the key is to just be true to yourself.

AVP

Well I got a break, I am an AVP as of today.

Now I should take this title and get a job at a bank that isn't dying.