Circular Tendancies and the Vision

Admittedly I must be wary not to repeat my past blogs.  Age does this.. I find myself repeating myself alot in terms of blog points or even stories to random friends.  I forget whom I've told what stories to.  I'm getting old.  Thats my excuse and I'll stick w/ it.

Honestly I do ponder if age is a real issue here, or if its just an excuse to avoid learning things.  I have pretty much avoided properly learning more Japanese and learning Chinese, stating age as a barrier to learning new stuff quickly.  Is it true?  I believe it is.. but I don't know, I think its somewhat a matter of dedication and effort -- my desire is just not there for some of what I think I want to learn.

Anyways, I have this vision of myself at times that I wanted to share.  Its interesting because the vision of oneself, or ones perception is often so different from reality that it is shattering.  There are probably some psychological roots to this idea of self-image.  I'm not saying I have a confidence problem or image problem, its more of the image/vision of my productivity in life.  I visualize myself doing more with my idle time than just bumming around, mindlessly surfing the web, playing occasional games, etc.

I've come to believe in the idea of Time vs Money.  The key is how much free money you have and how much free time.   As you grow up, you have lots of time (in my day I did), but no money.  As a college student imagine if you had money.. what a life you could have had.  Then you start working and slowly building up equilibrium of having a bit less time but more money.  Hit 27 you are probably at the peak in terms of free time (not too busy at work yet, not married), and money (no family so low expenses).  Then most buy a house, get married, etc so your free time and free cashflow rarely increases much.  More you make, the more kids you have, bigger house, etc, so you are perpetually in the same economics.  

The kicker is when you don't get married and don't buy houses you wind up in this weird flux state of having too much free money and too much free time on your hands.  You see, I don't know if people were meant to live like this, but people do.  And as time moves on in singledom and your career progresses that free time + free money gap increases and then the next thing you know you are a serial killer due to the excesses in life.

Hhaah, okay that was a bit extreme an ending to this entry.  I just saw "American Psycho" starring Chris Bale (aka Batman) so it had its influence.

Anyways, back to the topic.. I have a vision of myself doing something more productive.  Working hard, making a difference, studying more, working out more, etc.  But in the end, I wind up wasting my excess time and money.  Why is that?

 

Sorrow on my deathbed

I've been sick last few days. I think during these days of illness is when I am at the weakest mentally. I tend to think about sorrowful things and being lonely the most when I'm ill. Anyways at work we got our bonus #'s and wow they are about the same as last year, so bull market baby! With usd2jpy dropping to historic lows.. what else could play to my advantage?? But due to massive investment losses I cannot say I'm all that excited about my financial prospects.

Anyways during the deathly period I thought about what I will do with my life. I swear I think about this a lot. Haha.. I'm forever playing around I guess. Thats what my latest girlfriend thinks, I like playing... hmm really?

The Easy Life 2

Yeah its the easy life for me. Just got a 10% bonus for doing nothing, basically the company cashed out our retirement plan so bamn, instant money for nothing and at a rate of 90 jpy2usd. Later this week we get our bonus #'s.. and due to our bankruptcy, who knows but i may get money for doing nothing while most companies are laying people off left and right.

I'm sure the only other guy doing really well is my 'Hou compadre since Ogamanation has struck and he is a grad of this prestigious rich kid prep school. That school will probably flourish more to create more elitist while a few hundred other schools will fail. But hey we are not a socialist economy so more power to the powerful right?

So for me, I ponder the fundamental rational of life and love. I think I find myself at odds with myself and my current situation esp the girlfriend. I think the biggest problem is being in a town like Tokyo means any girl who is half hot, or full hot, or 1.5x hot finds herself with men hitting on them at all times. Sure this happens in Hawaii I found, as while on vacation my gf was approached like on a daily basis by some random dude trying to talk to her while I was not at close guardian proximity, but I guess in Hawaii the dudes are mostly bums. In Tokyo the dudes are wealthy men who offer the girls apartments, cars, rolex watches etc. I compare notes w/ my coworker who has this same issue.. his gf has men propositioning them with lavish gifts as well.

I guess my point is that it comes down to trust. I must say, its the fundamentally most important thing in a relationship, to have full and utmost trust in your partner. So much that you are willing to put your life in their hands. You can never positively know what your partner has in mind, so having the faith is so important.. I can't stress it enough.

My problem it seems is I don't know if I can trust this girl yet. And I guess she doesn't trust me yet from my last conversation w/ her.. its somewhat of the problem of living in a town like Tokyo where everyone is cheating and having casual sex is as common as eating ice cream on the street. The game is different here. In the end I wonder if I am letting lust overwhelm me in this relationship....

Holiday fun, work was busy, and life rolls around

2008 closes soon.. what have I really done this year? I think I had fun. Wow I had fun in 2007 so I think I'm having alot of fun, but whats it really for?

I went to Hawaii w/ the girl I'm dating. Why? I don't know.. I think a) I have time, b) work is boring, and c) I want to quickly find out if this girl is worth investing time in. While going to Hawaii costs money, time is money too, and I thought it'd be nice to spend a week together to get to know each other in rapid fashion. In the end, I am not that certain but I had a great time and felt we get along quite well... but alas, there are always problems so life is never perfect.

Oh btw wtf is w/ the beachfront in Hawaii.. its shrinking. Water levels are rising. This is weird. I am waiting for HNL real estate to collapse... can it really hold it together while the world crashes? Where is the economy/money in Hawaii.. ? The boom of japanese tourism is all but gone, only chinese, aussies, and canadians and your occasional cheap american.

More on the gf later...

For work, soon as I return I have the big boss asking where I am and wants to meet w/ me like right away. So I find out that.. I'm not laid off, but instead moved to a diff project that has some dudes leaving. Waaaa.. so its interesting I spent ~6 months in MBS, ~6 months in Credit, and now maybe I'll spend the next 6 months in Rates. Then off to FX, and who knows what else.

A bit of brilliant news at work.. seems if we survive like 5 more days we are guaranteed a bonus payout even if we get laid off. In 5 days we supposedly get communicated our bonus #'s so at that point it'll be locked in. Looks like I'm locked into a good half year of pay on the downside if I get laid off, not bad.

Life is easy, I admit it. I have the easiest life.... such a shame.

My Future

I haven't thought about my future much of late..

Right now the job situation is bad, but at least I'm employed for now. I am under pressure to move to HK very soon, so we have to see about that.. while I was looking forward to it, I don't know if I'm quite ready yet, and don't know if I am as excited post collapse of my company. Also I am dating a new girl now.. and while I can't say she is a keeper, I guess its tough to plan to move and keep integrity about the situation... lots of gaijin come here,take on a gf, knowing they are going to abandon them eventually. I can't do that, but honestly I don't know what the future is. Its so easy to just enjoy the day to day and not think about tomorrow.

Same with work, I enjoy the day to day shnangenans of doing nothing all day but eventually this will catch up to me, and that day is coming very soon I think.

An observation to note is that Tokyo is quite liberal about sex. I toured the "love hotel" area of Ebisu on a Tues night and was shocked that at 9pm was like 90-95% occupied (admittedly Ebisu doesn't have enough capacity compared to Shibuya or Shinjuku). But damn on a Tues night that many people are having sex? I find this sooo weird... but again this is a city where lots of HS girls are prostituting themselves at BJ bars, sex clubs, or etc. Seems if their friends are doing it then its okay, so its become quite acceptable by many to do these gigs for a short while. I guess thats the diff, most girls here prob work in the pink/sex industry for a few years and then move on, as opposed to the crack-ho's in the states... but with that type of attitude about sex, it means they dont mind just hooking up w/ people who they find hot and are more open about their needs and desires. Not sure if this is a good or bad thing.

The Unit & Reality of Work

There is a girl at work we call "the Unit" -- in fact I have been goofing making names for everyone at work, from the Milkman, the Unit, 3g, SS, etc, so almost everyone has a nickname if it makes sense. Pretty funny but that's what you do when you are with a post-bankrupt entity. Anyways back to "the unit" -- I think she is everything I'd like to find in a girl, cute, smart, speaks english, fun, active, bright and happy... but I'm a bit of a wimp so I can't seem to really ask her out, although I've been able to get close as friends with her now, so we hang out regularly.

Since I am now dating Miss Korea... (codename), it makes it harder still I must say... since (a) I don't wanna play games, (b) I'm actually happy w/ MK, but deep down I wonder if I can really be serious w/ a girl who doesn't speak english, and has many of the problems that kept me away from japanese girls to start with....

The Unit is a project I guess. I could rename her "the project" -- but alas, I'll just wait and see. Maybe having a gf now will put the jealousy plot into effect.

At work we had some layoffs recently, a trading desk went away (upper management decided not to fund this particular prop desk.. guess times are tough, they dont wanna put 100mm at risk or dont have capital..?), and other groups got haircuts. I think this makes sense, I figured it'd be now or Jan/Feb timeframe. Now makes sense because xmas is coming up, and you gotta do it before well before holidays so you don't feel so heartless. Late Jan/Feb is probably the next wave since its before bonus period and by then they have a real plan in place.

Its a matter of time. Investment Banks are built on a pyramid. Top of the chain, 5% of the population generate the revenues. The other 95% are really just there to support the money generators. So in our case we've lost due to firing or quitting, 50% of those guys. Whats out of whack is that the remaining 95% of the company has had almost no turnover.. thus a mass layoff is inevitable. For me in particular there is more risk since (1) another offshore org is at our disposal raising our IT headcount by 110% (so we are mass overstaffed now), and (2) credit markets are shot, there is even less business in this domain.

Thus I think come Feb I will have my papers. Hopefully by 2Q the market will stabilize and I can be on my way to a new job elsewhere with some new motivation in life.

For now, I just do my thing.

The Year in Ruin (reflection)

The year comes to an end soon.

To me, the fall of the house of LEH hasn't really sunk in yet. It is a tragedy.. it really is. As more and more colleagues leave the firm it sinks in a bit more -- more than the financial loss that we all endure, is the blow to the psyche of having been part of this tragedy and shame. While we live on with a new name still get paychecks and live lavishly it is something that will haunt me in some ways.

Oh well I can just live on. As Rocky Balboa said it... and I don't need to repeat it.

Financially I suck. I am making horrible moves left and right. Argggggg had I only some forsight..... limiting exposure is what we all have to do in life. Protect yourself man.

The new girlfriend is quite nice to hang out with. I have to say I wish I picked up a serious girlfriend earlier in my days in TK. I think I'd have had a more fun experience but at the same time, I think goofing around endlessing chasing girls for the 1st year was a good way to burn myself out.

Eternal Conflict of Ho's Before Bros

Not to offend any women, if there are any left reading this...
but it seems, the old saying "ho's before bros" hangs true to many people.

I have this situation at work where I am friends w/ 2 dudes who are chasing the same girl. One guy is getting weird about being overly protective of his dating situation w/ this obviously promiscuous girl who doesn't want a boyfriend, just wants to play around. Thus the second guy apparently doesn't mind sloppy seconds and is all for going after this gal, much to the chagrin of the 1st guy.

So in the end it makes for bad blood, and I am afraid I will be collateral damage if I hang w/ them. Thus I need to step away..... pretty funny though. Seems the 1st guy is famous for doing this and staking claim on girls. He had told the other guy soon after he met her "I really like her" -- then 2nd guy was like "wtf so what does that mean??" and eventually comes to this bad blood situation. But it seems 1st guy does this alot, so between the 2nd guy and I we make the joke ok if you ever say "I really like her" about a new girl we meet then it means we have staked claim. So one night he brings out 2 girls and says to me "hey I really like both of these girls!!" as a joke. And later when he sees this pic of another girl he says "whose that girl in the pic, I really like her!"

Funny stuff man. But seriously it troubles me when guys put the chase for girls ahead of friends and honor. I do believe in some honor in these situations. I have a few friends like this that I would not want hanging out w/ me while I am trying to work on a girl that I really like. Yep some guys are just bastards.

Anyways I had a good weekend, went to Yokohama.

Worlds Collide pt2, and the LEH situation

Jim Cramer had a great video article about how the FED screwed up really badly in not saving LEH. Yeah that cost me alot of money as a result, but its costing the economy about $1trillion in total debt that is in screwed state. There will be some investigation into what the heck was the analysis behind this, but in the end hindsight is 20-20, and in hindsight the Fed should be quite clear that they screwed up. Banks aren't like other companies -- when they go bankrupt they are screwed, there is no restructuring possible and really no assets to sell off. Don't get me wrong, LEH screwed up and shouldn't be bailed out, but the Govt screwed up worse by not doing what was needed to save the world at the expense of moral hazard. We are all paying for it now as LEH fallout has destroyed the world.

Anyways I am a little back in the action. Sat night I went out w/ this dude AC and Nobu. They say a few other girls are coming (my new girl too). I come to the station to meet them and I see AC and Nobu in deep conversation about this girl Mi that Nobu invited. Apparently the 3 of them (Mi, AC, and Nobu) went out last night and Nobu was into the gal so got her digits, etc and asked her to come tonight. But then it turns out AC had already slept w/ her and he thought Nobu knew, but he didn't. AC also invited some married girl he had slept w/ before, so it was like 2/3 of girls were people he has slept with so he was like damn man this is like worlds colliding!

The married girl was bringing a friend, but it turns out she is a girl that Nobu slept w/ before too recently and was in a semi-weird situation with. So basically there are 4 girls, everyone has slept w/ everyone at this party but most people aren't a couple, and other people are trying to sleep w/ other people. Isn't this like 90210 ? It was pretty messed up for both Nobu and AC, they both felt screwed that night because someone brought someone they didn't want to have in their company.

Man... this is Tokyo life man. Lots of screwing around.

The Girl, The Market, and the Golden Job

So I'm dating the new girl. So far its fun, I like her. I kind of wonder where it will go.. but oh well for now I guess I should go with it and not think too hard about it.

I noticed her taste is expensive although I don't feel she acts that way. Articles I spotted. Rolex watch, Channel earrings, LV bag, LV wallet, LV credit card holder, Channel rain boots, Cartier bracelet. Hmmmm... red flags???

In other news Market is tanking.

MS is dying again, I am still holding a put so its in the money now. wooo. Its hard to gamble short because the gov't keeps interfereing.. MS was definitely going bankrupt until all the intervention.

So I'm losing like huge 10,'s of thous on long positions now (as is everyone). I don't need to sell so only thing to do is play contra w/ options and try to make up some short term ground. So far.. not bad. I'm learning how to properly trade options and hedge exposure by buying calls/selling calls together (bull call spreads/verticals). I made few mistakes that cost me big gains, for example on Tuesday I tried to buy a bull call spread against SDS (an ultra-short index of S&P) but due to low volume of options trading on this it never got thru! Geezzz.. the market tanks tues/weds and I am screaming AAARRRGGGG $5k in gains missed...

But it made me wise up, the spreads (bid/ask) on these low vol options are murder, so I figured out I should play bear puts against a higher vol issue like SPY (S&P index). Very liquid, and easy to exec. Thurs decided to get back in, so made up $5k on that play.

However I need to do some spreadsheet math and figure out the right way to be trading.. I'm sure I am not optimizing my risk/reward ratio here.

Note, I realize I will lose my money eventually as my betting streak can only go so far. But its okay its all for "fun" anyways. I'm mostly trading short, so if the market turns +long at least my standard portfolio will recover I hope.

Golden Job..
No such thing. Its what you make of it, and lately I aint been doing nothing. Quite sad. I'm now the head of MBS Analytics (its a joke its just me). This project if it doesn't get killed would give me a lead into VP if it takes off again. So I guess I should focus. Getting used to the slacker schedule of post-bankruptcy:

• 930-10am get into work
• 10am get breakfast w/ my friend from Gay from Documentation
• 1030am start chatting online w/ my colleagues, check yesterdays market, stocks, bloomberg news
  
• 1130am start planning for lunch by figuring out who to eat with
• 130pm back from lunch, chat some more see how usd2jpy is doing
• 300pm plan for coffee break, figure out who to drink with
• 500pm start thinking of leaving or going for happy hour

Yes it was like literarlly 1hr of real work in a day.. now we are getting busier.. but the highlights of the day remain the same.

Collision of worlds

Wow tonight was like out of a movie.

The last girl (GirlA) I was dating wanted to meet up, so I said uhh okay, pretty sure I knew she wanted to try again, despite pretty much not being that interested in me the 1st time. Its like the Seinfeld episode, if the girl isn't into you, you dump them and obtain the upper hand. Why this works time after time I don' t know... its so lame.

Anyways she says she's coming to my train station in 10min so I get ready to go meet her.

Rewind a bit, and I'm interested in this new girl (GirlB) I just met and went out with twice. I e-mailed her to say hey can I call you later to say goodnight (see how sweet I am?) and she says hi, I forgot I had dinner plans w/ my friend so I'm in xyz (my town). I'm like wtf your in my town? So I'm actually walking to the station at this time to meet GirlA and thinking oh shit, they may both be standing at the standard waiting spot at the station and I'll be busted.

So I email her back saying where are you? where you eating at? hey you should call me after and I'll come say hello. She says she's waiting for her friend but cool she'll call me after, so I'm like oh shit, she is also waiting there.... panic sets in as I'm pretty much across the street, I'm thinking if I walk up there is a good chance both will see me then see each other and I'm screwed. I quickly assessed the situation and called GirlA and said oh shit I have a work problem (I'm in IT its believable) and need to go back and send a file real quick... sounding a bit panic'd (for other reasons so it works). I say hey why don't you meet me at this restaurant up the street in 10min... so I sneak back away from sight.

Works like a charm, she is diverted to a location that I think is nowhere near where GirlB is eating. I join later, have some snack and brief chat, I asked my friend P to call me in 1hr to pretend I need to go, but didn't need it, due to my inherent panic'd look she could tell I had something to do so she let me go after 50min and after her telling me she has emotional scars from last bf which is why she has trouble opening up to people, blah blah blah. In the end I say look, we need to take a break.. this was going nowhere. And so be it, we part ways. Phew narrowly escaped.

Now waiting for GirlB to call me so I can go meet her. But I think to be safe I need to call GirlA again to ensure she is not in town and already safely tucked away at home before I venture out again.

Damn I'm not even a player.. I don't see how true masters can do this. Too much stress for a small town guy like me. Admittedly I get a kick out of it.

Sorrow But Why....

I often wish I could be a playboy like my friend VIG. I say it again.. at times I play the game, but I don't have the stomach for it.

I was seeing this gal for a bit.. off and on for months and months, I never knew what the deal w/ her was, but I did know there was a lack of passion and I never felt much commitment/interest from her. I think she lacked the clinginess that I'm used to, thus never got much e-mails or anything.. quite odd.

But in the end, I let it drag out.. and then came to feel it was a waste of time, so I said hey lets be friends this is going nowhere. But to my surprise she says she wants to try harder and I say well I guess we don't spend much time together maybe we should start there... but in the end I feel it was too late. We started talking and sharing our thoughts at a point when it was already a dead relationship (other than occasional action). I guess even at my age I haven't learned the secret of expression.

Oh well this one is dead, and she feels really sad, which makes me sad because I am somewhat of an empath... I don't know if I did anything really wrong, but I feel bad that things were so unclear and nobody stepped up to say what they wanted. Lesson learned, be direct, nobody has time to dick around these days.

But my sorrow is shallow.. in the end this girl wasn't doing anything for me really. So gotta move on, its the right thing to do.

I'll go watch an inspirational movie I've downloaded for free now.

Party On!

Damn, what a party, good shit man. I threw a party for my ex-college Eon. Its funny invited like 10 girls, 10 guys, and about 20 girls and 10 guys turned out.

I was very entranced by this short gal w/ nice cleavage that apparently loves korean things. When you meet someone like this.. its like a freebie, and she was quite cute. So I will see where that goes.

But I also invited this Taiwanese gal I met last weekend and damn she is really the best. She has a boyfriend unfortunately so I must strategically wait it out..... her korean friend seemed quite interested in me as well and while I was definitely poised to strike (ie she invited me to her place), I opted to pass since I am more interested in the Taiwanese friend...

Hmmm why did I retire from going out I wonder... damn there is so much out there!

Exposure

I started dabbling in options trading. I think most people lose all their money in this, and perhaps I shall too. Well I decided to put a loseable stake and try trading, so far doing ok. It only takes a few bad moves to wipe you out of course. Its total guesswork/gambling. The only thing you can do is protect your downside w/ the various combo strategies out there.

Fun stuff. Makes me rush home to see the market open and watch my fortunes rise and fall!

Having a huge party tonight for my colleague who moved here. Funny what happens w/ parties. I invite like 10 dudes, 10 girls. The girls always wanna bring like 3 girls so suddenly its like 20 girls 10 guys. I'm like hey its not my fault I invited 10/10.. but then the girls start bitching wtf why is it all girls at your parties? I say i can't help it if girls come in packs. Its impossible to plan for balance. I give up.

Strength and Honor

I need to watch a movie or two to remind me of what my values and principles to live by are. Basing values on fictional movies is maybe not the best thing to do... but whatever works man. "Strength and Honor" is the (pre) Gladiator code.

I think on weekends when I'm chilling I tend to think alot more than I need to.

I played in a 9-ball tourney. I played a top seed 1st round, bad luck. I lost 5-3, very close match. God damn... I was under severe pressure. He was clearly better, but I had my shot to win many times. Maybe I shall retire from 9-ball as well.

Hmmm time to buy? I make a bold prediction..

Fun site: http://wallstfolly.typepad.com/wallstfolly/

I ponder if the market is about bottomed out for now.
I think its oversold a bit, so I would not be surprised for a slight rebound this week.

That being said,I would not load up too much for the long term because I feel the market is going to be weak for the foreseeable future (ie, 3-6months), and likely sag slowly like Japan has over the past 15 years. That sucks.. but one has to step back and think.. the market has always gone up in the past since 1932. It has its hiccups but its always been rising.. who says it has to keep rising all the time??

Note, Nikkei index was at 38,000+ in 1989. What is it now? Its been trading between 10k-20k for some time, and is presently below 10k as is the DOW. Thus.. if the DOW falls from its alltime high of 13k... down to 6k, should we be so shocked?

For me I'm staying in cash but may dabble in long/short positions to make a few bucks on the side. But not much long term plays. I've learned I can't pick long term winners in general.

Black Friday

As the market is about to open, I already know whats going to happen. its going to be a rout of epic proportions. I was telling my friend I thought Thurs would pull back with a small gain but Friday would be like a -1200 record crash day. Maybe not that bad today, but bad.

In it all we have to ask ourselves.. what are we doing, what is our strategy?? I was in the crash of 2001 and I lost alot then, and I feel I have followed the same patterns then as I did now which puts me in this horrible loss position. I was trading when I didn't have time to watch my positions, and I did not put stop limits in place to protect myself.

My only lucky save (not much of a save) is that 75% of my 401k is in cash, so only the remaining 25% is losing 30% as the indices do. I did buy some puts recently.. but maybe not enough. Overall I'm down big like everyone else.

MS is an interesting one.. I was telling people all week its dying. I hate to see it since less banks ini the future is not good for my career, but its so obvious whats happen after living thru it myself just 5 weeks ago. Well maybe the govt will save it this weekend.

In the end, we all have our health, we have jobs, so its not all that bad. I'll still go on vacation each of the next 3 months.

It goes up and down

Experts say this to me. Tombo says to me the same, it goes up and down.

I guess so. Lately just down.

I can't sleep because I am following MS and that sucker is going down fast. The run on this bank is crazy, I have been watchings its CDS (credit spreads) and they were thru the roof last week and didn't budge. I think its a prequel to failure, at least thats how it was for LEH.

Its nuts.. market is nuts. I placed some hedge positions w/ options and UltraShorts recently but its not enough. I am way overexposed. Shit.

God help us all. But I guess its just money. This type of volatility makes option trading easy money. Biggest limiter is that the trading software on Ameritrade and Schwab sucks for volume option trading. Or maybe I am using the wrong tools.. more likely. Hehe.

Meltdown part 2

One version of the inside story I heard today.

Friday we had $70b in liquidity/cash available so no worries. CEO says shit we can live 6 months if nobody trades w/ us so screw you bastards. Then suddenly counterparties stop paying us on and we are out of cash because in the biz, you owe billions and billions are owed you by various banks like JPM and GS. So they stopped paying because they weren't sure anymore if we would pay back. So saturday rolls in and we are now in dire straights and out of cash.

CEO says we are screwed, need bailout. BAC was interested as were others, so the famous meeting happens to bail us out of this mess... but surprise surprise..

Treasury secretary is known in the industry as a mortal enemy of our CEO. So of course Paulson decides not to back the deals w/ an govt money, despite implying that they'd not let banks fail after the Bear disaster and after bailing everyone else out. Without backing nobody wants any part of this deal, but smart guys like Merril's Thain realize holy shit, that dumbass Paulson is going to let them go bankrupt, is he mad? This is going to cause a ripple that is going to crush any bank in trouble including mine, thus he engineers the deal w/ BoA (BAC). Good move they were about to go down as was Morgan Stanley.

The fallout is immense. The WSJ article says it.. and the hindsight is that you could have put $30b up to back the deal, and saved yourself a huge costs unwinding us and $billions in loses by counterparties who are all screwed now in a $600b bankruptcy, and $700b bailout. Add the horrific fear in the markets.

Inside the walls of the offices people were definitely in shock that you could wake up Weds, stock price shoot down 50% each on Thus and Fri, then be forced to enter the weekend looking for a buyer, and start Monday in bankruptcy.

People in the trenches gave their hearts to this org, the culture was really great in many ways. I really liked the people I've met so its sad for the 10, 12, 15yr veterans that really built this place up. These guys for good and bad leveraged their lives in this place.. its sad to see it go away due to some circumstances.

The Monday of the bankruptcy was a holiday in TK but people came in to pack their things up not knowing if liquidators would come in or what the heck would happen. Tuesday people were instructed to come in, but people were standing around doing nothing, the e-mail systems were almost crashing due to the amount of people 1) emailing code/files out to their personal acounts, 2) people sending resumess out, 3) people sending "here's my contact info keep in touch"... even out division head said people please keep in touch, since the inevitable is near... but in all this, no word from the CEO, wasn't till like Weds or Thurs night that he spoke up in a lame email.

First week was full of shock. Later in the week got worse for Asia as BarCap only decided to buy only the US business/operations. Things looked really bleak, people weren't sure we'd make payroll this month so we maybe were working for free. But Friday the Asia CEO on Friday gave a rousing speech stating payroll would be made, and that the Asia business has value and will be sold.

I was on vacation at this time but kept in touch and got the news as it came. I guess it was best not to be there. Way too much time and anxiety in the office to deal with. Its bad enough now.

Push the button

Wonderful article on the meltdown and how jacked up everything is right now because nobody saved us.
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB122266132599384845.html

Last night, the new company that bought us finally sent us an offer letter via e-mail and there is some link you follow and a button you press to "accept" the offer. I am an anarchist and I don't like to accept stuff without creating drama. So I am asking around whose pressed the button, making jokes like I heard the first 100 who press don't get paid or get paid, or get bonus or don't, and the last 100 don't get x/y/z, or that after 3000 clicks the button stops working and says "capacity has been reached".

Anyways the whole days been about "did you press the button?" Even the CTO comes out has a meeting w/ all of IT which is like 200 in Tokyo and basically says, "you should press the button" and explains why we should accept it and how there is no reason not to. It is bizzare man. Its like I'm waiting to press the button to start nuclear war, but in reality its nothing but a strawman poll they will give to the new buyers to ensure people are onboard w/ this acquisition. Its a confidence vote.

I haven't pushed the button. In fact ponder not pushing it. You see, they tell you to push it but don't tell you what happens if you dont push it. I asked HR and they also gave me shit like look man this is a great deal push the button dude. And I'm like look man, I am not saying I'm not gonna push the button, I'm saying what the fuck are my rights if I don't push the button, I should make an informed choice. The guy doesn't know but he doesn't think there is any severence or future if I don't since I'll be with a bankrupt entity awaiting the court to assign residual payments.

Let me backtrack, you see, if you push the button, you become an employee of the Japanese bank and forfeit any rights to the bankrupt entity for severence/pay/etc. Thus I ask the natural question "so is there severence if I don't push the button and I stay in the bankrupt org?" Note, 95% of the people don't have the option to sit at a bankrupt company and wait for severence when a paying job is available, but I am different, I am curious if I should go move to China and study Mandarin and Kung-Fu. I am living as free as they come in life. So I must find out the truth.

So anyways I investigate and find out that in Japan employee rights in bankruptcy are #2, right after (#1) paying the administrators of the bankruptcy itself. Thus unpaid salary and severance are top creditors ahead of vendors, bondholders, shareholders, etc. So despite what HR tells me, it seems if I don't push the button I could and should get severence. In Japan Labor law appears to say severence is a right, but only possibly just 1month. So my evaluation is that you can sit and wait for 1 month severance at the expense of everyone saying WTF dude why didn't you push the god damn button???? If it were 3-4months I'd say okay I'm in, but 1 month.. sheesh I might as well sit as they re-org and do nothing for 6 months as they figure out what to do, then collect 70% of my bonus.

So the deadline for the button is 5pm Friday. I'm interviewing w/ some companies Thurs/Fri so depending how that goes will determine if I push the button at 4:58pm on Friday. I'm giving myself 2 min of cushion in case the browser freezes or something.

What nonsense.. push the button..... just push the button..... hellfire of course I'm gonna push the button. What the hell else am I going to do. But so much drama...

Anatomy of a meltdown part 1 of ?

For those who don't know, lets get the facts straight.

1. Yes my company went bankrupt. People ask me, "hey i heard the news.. but this doesn't affect you right?" Well my dear friends let me inform you, when your company goes bankrupt it does tend to affect you in some way,usually in fairly bad way.

2. No I am not unemployed, we were bought by a Japanese securities broker/dealer so we are in the midst of getting job offers/transfers to this new firm but payroll is still flowing (although coffee and tea services stopped). Terms to be disclosed very soon. The rumours are some form of guaranteed bonus, so it may not be a bad deal.

3. How are things?

a) Overall they are fine. Hell man, I have almost no loyalty to where I am, I didn't build this company so what can I say? I like it alot, the people are great, I was moving somewhere in this org, so its all a damn shame, but I try not to complain around my peers since for many they dedicated their lives to the cause and were jacked in the end.

b) Being away on vacation created a surreal feel of it not really happening. But now I'm back and I can give my analysis on the situation. Its not happy times. People are not excited to be working for a Japanese company. This includes the Japanese, as they really like working for a foreign company it seems. People are wary of the typical horrors of Japanese work-life. From an IT side it may just be integration hell as well. Lots of negativity at work.

c) Financially I am taking an unrecoverable beating a magnitude worse than I should be due to overleverage. Ah shit, thats life. I still have a job and income so life isn't ending just yet.

d) Career-plan-wise I am at a stumble, a serious one. I was about to enter management, move to HK, head towards VP'ness.. as was my plan before returning to the States. Now the industry is shot to hell, banks are failing left and right, everyone hates investment banks so now there are none left to hate.. puts a spin on my plans.

So anyways I was going to explain in my thoughts what happened with the meltdown of the company. I guess I'll do it in part2 since its 2am and I need some sleep before my boring day at work since it seems nothing is really happening.

Sayonara!

Vacationing

I went on a 2 week vacation, not because I needed to, or had to, but just because I could and felt I should do something while I'm out here. Coincided w/ company meltdown which was good and bad.

My Overall Route: Tokyo->Manila->Macau/HK->Singapore->Macau/HK->Kuala Lumpur->Manila->Tokyo. I spent about 4 days in each country. My overall impressions:

Manila in PI - not the best tourist spot, but there are some very posh areas, along w/ very nasty areas where the beggars come to my taxi [note 50% of taxi's try to rip you off, reminds me of Saigon] begging for money to feed their starving baby they are holding. Then some gang bangers come and wash the windows on cars and start bitching at them if they dont give tips (then again this happens in East LA too). Movies are only $2.50 -- IMAX like $5. Damn this is a cheap town to live in. KFC's are everywhere, wtf is with the love of fried chicken?

Angeles/Clark in PI - totally ghettoo-ville. Oh my god.. I went golfing for the day I was there which is good 'cause the city is nasty hell. On par with typical Saigon and poor Manila I guess. The # of 50yo white guys walking w/ a 20yo (mostly not attractive) filipina girlfriend is somewhat shocking. Movies are $2.

Singapore - quite a nice city. Went to the rich parts to a bar called Attica and let me tell ya there are some hot girls, but word is that the hot ones are all prostitutes. But my overall feel of this town is that the people are down to earth and not as money hungry and trend driven as HK and Tokyo. Hainan Chicken Rice was excellent, had it for lunch and dinner oneday. Clean city, overall thumbs up. Went to the beach resort and that was quite nice too.

Kuala Lumpur - I was quite happy to come here without knowing what to expect at all I just picked a city and went. Being surrounded by Muslims is a bit odd.. requires getting used to. There are some poor parts but overall its a city that reminds me of HK. Lots of tall buildings, good infrastructure, some posh and some local looking zones. I ate a lot of Nasi Lamek, which is some kind of Muslim/Malaysian (?) spicy plate of coconut rice and spicy stuff. I was loving it. Indian food quite good too there. Lots of tourist zones as well, probably perfect for 3-4 day trip.

Hong Kong/Macau - been there so many times nothing to note. Golf costs $200 in Macau and nobody plays. Kind of goes against supply/demand pricing model, but whatever.

Note, gambling in Phillipines is lame. Craps payouts are really bad, instead of 7-6 payout on 6and8, they pay 11-10. Wtf? Yeah its bad. And only single odds. Shit I gave up and moved to Patoong which is an awesome BJ variant.

I was tired by the end of my journey.. what did I take away from it all? Well its fun to go and do nothing and live without purpose. But in the end its always nice to come back home, even if its a transient home.

Tomorrow I find out whats new at work. Wow!!

Buyout

So we got bought by a J-bank. Big securities broker-dealer but we'll see what the fallout is.

I guess worst case we will now get severence packages. Thank god.

It is not as prestigious but the heyday of ibanking is done for now. The world illumanti who run this country play games w/ industries like this. Rise and fall of dot.com's, teleco's, bio, and now banking. All the banks have scrambled for partners so soon there will be no independent ibanks (in fact only GS and MS are left), but later they will spin off when the profits are so big again that it makes sense to spin them off in a massive IPO split. Its the game thats played in corporates.. merge/spin/merge/spin, generate fake paper wealth, burn the employees. Not to sound bitter, as my bitter employment days are past, but just to speak some cynical reality.

The insider gossip is that the J-bank is going to offer nearly full guarantee bonuses as a staff retention plan. Makes sense since they buy no assets, just people and processes. This year looked like a 0% bonus year, so now i'm back up to my last years deal which is quite a break. Japanese are typically on 16month plans anyways, 12months normal salary, +2 months bonus * 2 times a year. That actually is on par w/ my last years comp, roughly 12+ 4 (maybe +5 but close enough).

I think from an IT perspective integration will be hellish. Oh well.. I guess I need some new excitement in life.

My vacation is nearing the end. Philippines, Hong Kong, Macau, Singapore, Kuala Lumpur. Good to get around by pack. I found I can wear the same clothes more than 2 days in a row. Haha pretty gross but actually not that bad.

It'll be interesting to get back to the grind to see the fallout on Monday.. I have been out so missed all the action. I wonder if my new role as the Tokyo IT head of Credit will be gone, expand, or stay the same now that Tokyo is again the HQ for operations....

I may never be a rich man..

Well I may never be a rich man, but I can say I lived a semi-rich lifestyle in the day. I'll remember this.. back in the day when I was 30's, making $$$$+ a year as a single man w/ almost no liabilities.. traveled around every month for kicks, gambled, drank, partied.. but then it all came tumbling down. I think most of the excess money I made was lost in a) bad investments (including a foolish stake in my dead company), b) partying, c) gambling, d) real estate. So back to square 1 -- I guess its okay though, I had fun the last few years, but now I must do something different.

My next move is a tricky one. I don't have the right experience in the mix of 500+ people who are now looking for employment so can't quite get the hardcore job I would really want. I think if I just want to maintain my lifestyle and cashflow I can get a similar paying job back at my old SF employer but in Tokyo. Thats an idea for preservation of cash.. but in the end, cash is not that important and I plan to work till I die anyways.

I think my main options are:

1. take what I can get, ala BeeGiAye TK or whatever is around
2. search hard for something better, probably in HKG and maybe take 3months to find a good gig.
3. take 6 months off and go study Chinese in Taiwan/Beijing/Shanghai in some program
4. move back to CA and find a job back in Tech Industry

I'm leaning towards 3 as it sounds fun, although maybe frivilous..maybe worthwhile to do in life. 1 is the easy road.. maintain status quo, work for a friend of mine, but I am not sure if that is the right thing to do in life. 2) I may explore.. but there are like 2,000 IT workers globally looking for jobs, all eyeing HKG as the gold market right now. I know I'm better than 95% of them, but its not easy to weed out....

So my friends don't worry, given I have #3 as an option it means I have enough cash to live for a few years at least.. so I'm ok. It honestly sucks since I really liked my company and was moving up in the ranks.. but thats life man. Nobody can change the end of it all now.

I guess its good I'm on vacation so I can meditate on this.

End is here

I had a good run but its over.

Market has crushed us.  From once heralded bank, to now a wall street casualty.  Its sad.  I enjoyed working here, the people were great.  I finally made rank and am managing a small team, but alas.. thats life.  I guess I will go on vacation and let things pan themselves out.

Yes when it rains it pours.  I need Rhianna's umbrella

Down almost out

People like PG send me news on how bad my company is doing. From the inside, I say we are doing quite bad. Had mass layoffs recently and then our stock plumetted to near death.

I have been thru the downturns before such as in 2001/2002 but this time around I am much more optimistic and hope we can pull thru. I am much less the wild rioter I was back in those days and more the team player that I think my managers back then wanted to be.

Anyways due to layoffs and movement I am now the tokyo manager for the credit team. There are only 3 of us left here as the rest are in HK. Haha. Oh well a minor positive thing I think.

Getting Laid

Laid-off that is. Well I escaped, but quite a few people around me were axed.

Its life at the banks, times are good and times are bad. People gotta get the axe, even though I'd say these guys were all pretty good at their jobs. I think I probably should be in line for it too, but I guess maybe I have some potential or who knows what. Longer you are there, the more they see your weaknesses, so in some regards, a 1st year guy has some edge on not getting axed over a 3rd year guy.

I will ponder it a bit.. but in the end I go w/ the flow. There are no options nowadays, as Tokyo has turned sour really quick in terms of work. I like my job and people around me, but the industry is bleeding like you would not believe. No end in sight for my company!

But.. I am pretty ambivalent about it. If I get laid off I will travel to Vietnam and goof off for 6 months or so and just do nothing but play tennis, rest, read, and relax. While its a waste of money I don't really mind nowadays. Note my spending is slightly out of control due to my travel bing this past and upcoming months.

For now doing quite well and settled.

Reflections on life

I had time this weekend to reflect a little.

I think every year one should go on a pilgrimage somewhere and sit and think for a bit as many wise men have done before us.

I sat, I thunked. As I've come to learn, revelations are rare in this world, instead understanding of yourself and the world is a slow process that requires time, effort, and focus.

Anyways I think back to my younger days and how different life is in one's mid 30's. I think 35-40 is the peak time where you reach a crossroad where:
- health is starting to decline, but can still compete with the 20yo's
- not quite an oldman yet, i can still go on a date w/ a 25yo and nobody will bat an eye
- money is flowing in, where i could go to macau monthly and blow thousands w/o caring
- there is money in the bank, so some nestegg exists

Obviously not everyone is in this situation in their 30's, but hopefully you are better off than your 20's in these regards.

Single life isn't all bad. I was involved most of my adulthood. After being single for 2 years I realize its a solemn life as a nomad, but perhaps not so bad. I realize this more now because I am semi-involved w/ a girl in Japan... so as my singlehood may slip away I start to realize what I will miss. But we'll see, I have my concerns w/ this j-girl which I'll get into later..

But on the flip side, I don't see myself wanting to be single forever. If I'm single at 40 I'll go buy a wife in Philippines.

My company is falling.. and it can't get up

Getting killed -- or my company is.

I ponder if I should find a new job. The one year differential by finding a new job could be like $40k difference -- is that worth it... long term it may not be a wise career move since I could do well where I am if I hang in there. Many a times in the past I jumped ship and low and behold.. company rebounded with a vengence. But sometimes not. So u never know.

I think the major things keeping me put are
a) I am not that confident in capital markets. I don't know my analytics, rates, credit, etc as well as I should at my age.
b) I am not doing cutting edge technical work right now, so I am losing my edge there too.
c) I really like the people and pace of the company. Project is kinda slow but life is good. Can't complain while I get a nice paycheck.

But this bank may fail. But if it does.. I'll go to Vietnam and live for 6 months on my severence so no big deal I guess.

I'd probably buy some calls and puts and play a short butterfly spread and bet on volatility.

Macau

I can't stress how amazing the Venetian Macau is.

I may go back for the annual tennis invitational since McEnroe is there, along w/ Federer and perhaps Nadal (or Blake) -- either is a great rematch for Federer since he's on the downturn and I'm sure will try to win to get back on track.

Funny thing when I went to Macau I was wearing the same shirt for like 24hrs.. and same socks and underwear. But nowhere to shop except the mall at Wynn which only has high end shops. So.. I wound up buying a Hugo Boss polo shirt for $130 and underwear for like $30. Wow man that is desperation.... not bad, my friend has a story of buying a $500 Ralph Lauren shirt after staying out all night.

I joined the gym today. I wonder if I'll ever go.

Year 2 approaches

Year 2 approaches in about 3 days. I moved to Tokyo Aug 19th, so I'm like 3 days away.

It makes me ponder what Year2 will be like and how I should change it up as I think reinvention is key. I found myself in Roppongi/Midtown on Fri night again, kind of doing the same old thing... and you know what it is getting a bit lame. Thus I definitely need to venture out a little and do different things and part of that means hanging w/ different circles rather than VIG and the old gang.


I actually ponder seriously if I will go to HK -- maybe even end of this year is within reason. I'm not sure if its a good idea or not, given I've been in TK just 1 year and have not sucked the life out of the city/country yet to the point that I would never return... but will I ever do that I wonder?

I think thought process for HK is:
+ career growth as its a booming market
+ cheaper tennis
+ easier to travel out of HK to see the rest of the WORLD (rather than just Japan)
+ more expat friendly (although for me its a wash since I speak japanese in japan)
- less single girls
- dirtier / more aggressive / ruder society
- while its expat friendly i dont speak chinese which limits me...

Thoughts for TK
+ I have established myself, have lots of friends at work, etc. socially its a blast
+ I speak japanese and am improving slowly
+ snow season is awesome
+ lots of single girls
- shallowness of j-girls is kinda annoying me
- market is kind of dead here unless i become super fluent in japanese

So.. the smart money says to stay in TK milk it, clamp down and learn more, and in +1 yr make the move.

But I'm not always smart. I am going to ramp up and test the market in a few weeks and see if I can get a VP or Director position by job hopping. If I can then its well worth going. As much as I like my company it is dying out.. and internal VP promotions are very political. Requires like 10 people to sign off, while getting hired as a VP requires just like 3 or 4.

China Girl

In HK I met this 21yo chinese girl at a club. She barely spoke any english but we danced, drank, laughed, and hung out. Wow I must say I was in love. Sooooo cute, such a sexy body (okay in reality not that cute, but pretty cute by my taste, tombo would probably say she's ugly since his taste is completely orthoganol to mine). Anyways I leave broken hearted because I can't communicate w/ her since I speak no chinese.

Makes me realize there is so much to do and learn and whats holding me back is my desire to do other things. Its a sequence for me, I want to do X, then Y, then Z, but I'm perpetually stuck at X.

I have said oh I want to (A) learn more japanese then (B) study the credit business, and (C) work out more, and (D) learn chinese, but you know what? I'm study on (A) and attempt to focus on it. Perhaps I should attack all at once. I am not sure if doing 4 tasks in parallel is good or bad.. I feel focus is important, and focusing on 4 goals at once ? Hmmm. I used to read 4 novels at once as a test of sanity perhaps I should do the same w/ personal goals.

Anyways I'm back from HK heartbroken. Nah, but I'm back and HK was fun. Gotta get back to business now.

HK Again

I'm in HK this week. I'm working out of the HK office for a change. No reason except that I thought I'd check out the town since there is opportunity to move to HK w/ my job, and right now its an option, but oneday it may be a request, and then a demand. So I should know what I'm getting into.

I went to Macau again. I tell ya that is an awesome place. It has all the vices that would destroy a regular guy like me. Anyways I gambled at the new MGM, where I lost my initial $1k bankroll (1/2 bj 1/2 craps). Then I walked to Wynn (next door!) and with a new modest $400 bankroll I took the BJ table down for $1500 (net +$1100). Then I went to craps and padded my winnings with another $200 (so total trip net +$300). Yep I rocked Wynn. I wonder if I should ever go back to MGM, historically I haven't won much there.

Otherwise my impression of HK is that.. its an okay place. I am not certain its for me. I fear its too small a place, esp after hanging in the "zone" (Lan Kwai Fung) and seeing how damn crowded the main expat bar district is. Not having sufficient language skills kinda annoys me. Heat not as bad as I thought, maybe I'm used to it now after going thru TOKYO summer.

BTW I went to get a new suit made. $450 dude not cheap, we'll see how it comes out. I've gone to this guy for shirts, pants, etc. Reasonable quality.

Death again

My friend tells me his cousin died recently. No idea why or how, but damn he was younger than me. I'm not at the age where I should expect people to die around me and not be surprised. So its a bit messed up.

My colleage says in tokyo suicide and death at youth is so common that they aren't surprised. They have several friends under 30 who have died. What the hell...

Anyways any death surprises me and makes me realize how good it is to be alive and living life. I often say I will die young, and its not because of a dangerous lifestyle or plan to kill myself, its just my geneology would probably predict a modest lifeline of 55-65 yrs. As a result I plan to life my life with some desire to do something.

For example I'm going to Hong Kong to work from the office there during the week and goof on the weekends!! hahaaaaa. HK is a dangerous place... all the vices are there.....

Identity

I got around to watching most of the movies I borrowed from my friends and some I downloaded, etc. I saw Identity, not bad, fairly clever story. I also watched Flags of our Fathers and Two Iwo Jima. Both good, not as deeply touching as thought they'd be, but they get to the point which is that life is short and we are all lucky to live in peace and have the opportunity to live full, rich lives.

I for one am very grateful to our veterans and am shocked at how many would risk their lives like they did. I don't know if I would be so brave and honorable.

Anyways I have been ill this weekend and when I am ill my spirits sink a little. I question myself, my identity, my goals, my being. All the idle time I suppose is what causes this... perhaps lack of focus, or perhaps its the simple feeling of missing something. Anyways don't want to get into this now.

I saw 2 episodes of OC. Damn, people love watching shows like this so they can dream about the good life.. the Newport Beach sons of doctors driving Range Rovers in HS type life.. sheesh. Kinda makes me sick. I wonder how my friend Kawaker can stand being in the school w/ so much privilege youts. I suppose there is no reason to be negative towards them, for they are our future leaders and they were born into it, nothing they can do about it. But nonetheless... I find it a bit unjust compared to so many others. Oh well thats life man.

Money

I honestly haven't thought much about money in a while. Nowadays I don't give a shit, I am gonna die soon anyways.

I think the guy who is obsessed w/ it is the guy who tells me I'm all about money, thats irony for you.

This summer I decided to just survive thru the heat by taking taxis. It costs me about $9-10 each way. For 2 more months I think it is an acceptable expenditure to survive an otherwise horrible time of the year. Although what I'd really like is a taxi waiting at my apt every morning at 830am... damn that'd be good cause the walk to find a taxi is fricking hot too.

Luxury living baby!! I'm going to HKG next friday too. Wooooooooo... probably drop $5g on this trip, yep yep.

My Lazy Day

Saturday... what'd I do? Hmm.. woke up went to eat breakfast. Came back.. slept till noon, then ran to eat ramen, buy a new tennis bag, then to tennis between 4-6pm, then hung out w/ a few people from tennis till 9pm, then back home at about 10pm.. Another friend called to see if I was coming out to his party/event that starts @ midnight in NakaMeguro. i was like wtf its already 11pm.. ugg nah no can.

Anyways this is the life, and at times its fun and if I went out tonight maybe in the blind fun of drinking and chasing girls I'd think this is the life, but in reality I don't know if I can do it much longer. Course I say this and keep on trucking forward...

Tennis was fun, there is one girl I really have my eye on in tennis. She's damn good at tennis too which is cool. I wonder if I can put a move on.

This other gal from tennis I know has a Ph.D from Columbia. I thought she was single (as I assume for all Tokyo girls), but seems she's been w/ the same dude for 7yrs and is getting married soon (finally). Now I peg her age at 32 or so.. maybe 34. Anyways turns out the dude she is with is also a PhD from Columbia and a professor in japan. Wtf geez.. i guess I was out of my league, I thought I had a chance there too! ahhaa oh well not nearly as cute as the other gal and not nearly as much in common. Whats jacked up is that her family doesn't like the dude and doesn't want her to marry him. Hello..how much better u think your daughter is gonna do at her age???


Anyways what can I do, this is my life.

Productivity Check

1. Japanese -- going very well. Studying 1-2chapters a week, progressing. Could be better but at least going forward quite well. My teacher is somewhat impressed too.

2. Working out -- not going well, haven't done anything. Realized today what my ideal diet should be:
- morning dry cappucino (dry saves calories on milk)
- regular lunch
- late afternoon snack/dry cappy
- veggies from the corner farmers market. Ie, boiled corn, cucumber, carrots, etc. Fresh stuff, really quite good for me. That plus some oatmeal maybe as dessert. I should just avoid eating dinner if possible or stuff myself w/ plain oatmeal.

3. Work -- I literally get nothing done many days. Getting worse, getting easier since I can talk to the secretary for hours on end. Haha. But seriously on this regard I feel.. I'm starting to get close to the point where I need to study again.

When I was 25 I had only 2 yrs experience but I was way ahead of the curve such that I couldn't get a job that I wanted simply because on paper I was too jr. I am sure at that time I was way better than people with double my experience but mainly because I was a nut, studying and trying to learn new stuff 24x7. I just needed some grays at that point in my career. I got those grays now, but w/ 12yrs+ of experience I'm starting to fall back under the curve technically of where a 12+yr veteran should be.

However, I'm at bank so technical skill is just 1/2 the puzzle. I've kind of been doing the same thing at the bank, waiting a few years to mature because 2yrs is worthless in terms of industry experience. I'll start getting to 3,4,5yrs where on paper I am valued.. but unlike when I was 25, I am not ahead of the curve. I should probably get into gear in this respect.. and get to par.

I guess what I am saying is that my last 6yrs been slacking from the first 6yrs of what I built up in knowledge. I should spend a few years retooling myself now for the next decades.

Hmmmm

Recently had a squabble w/ this good friend of mine. I think we have a difference in philosophy and it bothers me a bit. The squabble was about something else, but my deep analysis brings me to this thought...

I feel his priorities in life and wrong, but its not that its wrong, its that it doesn't quite match mine. I dont know if this is a serious problem or not. One has to accept a person for who he is, proclivities and all. Thus I understand but at the same time am annoyed.

It stems from my observation of his focus in that he a) puts getting laid ahead of most other things in life, b) cheats on his girlfriend -- stringing her along until he can find a better girl, c) finds ultimate accomplishment in sleeping w/ random girls.

It puts forth the philosophical question of whether this one aspect of his personality that I don't agree w/ is a measure of his real being or not. Lots of guys have their flings, or have affairs, or lead girls on, etc. Doesn't mean they are bad people does it? I think having a fling or going to cambodia to have sex with 18yo girls is questionable in terms of morales and health, but in the end these guys aren't going to leave their GF or wife, so I'm okay w/ the need to fulfill a natural urge. Leading a girl on emotionally and just using them till the next thing comes along is somewhat cruel to me, but thats because I am too weak maybe.

Anyways its a bit odd, I'm no saint, but I do have some morales and try to do the right thing. Of course this empathy may be holding me back from lots of fun, but I guess its the way I wanna live. I guess thats the way he wants to live and maybe the key is to just be true to yourself.

AVP

Well I got a break, I am an AVP as of today.

Now I should take this title and get a job at a bank that isn't dying.

A break maybe

Well I may get a career break for a change.

Here's the update on whats going on w/ my career.

1) bank is dying, bonus is going to be bad. some predict 0. i find that hard to believe, but i guess sentiment is its going to be damn bad.
2) i was trying to get promoted. it looked good, like a semi-lock, but then i found out that my old manager jacked me. you see, when u switch managers, they suddenly turn on you because their interest is w/ the people who are staying w/ them, not the old people who left. So when it came time to say what he thought of my getting promoted he said something like "he's new we should wait a year" -- rather than supporting me the way he did before. My new manager was shocked at his lack of honor. Yep what a bastard.
3) an alternative to the standard promotion path was to get promoted instantly via a coincidental org-change. i happen to be in an org that has no AVP title and I am getting transitioned into an org w/ an AVP, thus they are determining who should have been an AVP, etc. So there is a good chance to get an instant "adjusted" title. It looks good for this route.

Thus.. I may be an Assist Vice President soon. I'll let you know. It means no more money but at least I get a nice corporate title. Untitled vs Titled is a small step. Its really just a stepping stone to VP which is the real step, then SVP which is a big step. I may just settle into AVP for a while if I make it.

Well I needed a break. I was starting to get pissed at work with this nonsense and dying company/stock price.

Out of the game

I admit I'm a bit out of the game. I realized it when I told my friend Baki that she needs to focus and stop trying to find a white knight because those days are past, we r not in our prime. Prime days of a typical girl is 24-27 when you can really lasso your way into a hotshot 25-32yo banker, doctor, lawyer or young man w/ great potential.

Same goes for me, at my age due to my lack of true career status (at my age I really should be a director or something bigger), my ability to reel in younger quality is limited. I thought about this.. when I was 27-28 I went out w/ a pretty hot japanese girl who was from a wealthy family, and then I went out w/ my last ex who was a pretty good looking girl from a rich family. I think at 27 I had a bright future as a hotshot developer, thus my stock was high (options). Now at 35 I haven't done much so my stock is sagging (and options are worthless).

So am I going to settle as my secretary friend says she has been doing lately? I may very well be. While I would love to find the ideal girl I realize it isn't that easy at my age. I'm lucky its easier than it is for a woman in my shoes, but that doesn't help me much.

Note, I started dating a girl at work. Very passionate, such that Tom would be proud! Later she told me she has a boyfriend in Aussieland. Wtf?? I made out w/ her in the elevator the next day. Haha. Story is unfolding.

Tennis confidence

Damn I got crushed in tennis. It is often about confidence to succeed in these things... once you have upper momentum u an dominate due to sheer ability to rattle your opponent. At least at my level it is the case. How to get your mind and body to react is the tough part of sports.

At tennis I met this 25yo dude who is moving from middle-office into the top trading group. I was like, thats odd, one rarely can make the jump into trading unless:
a) he knows someone really well
b) is young
c) has some background say in Math from somewhere like Cambridge

Turns out he has 2/3 (25yo and Cambridge MS in Math/Theoretical Physics). Wow bright future. I envy the guy as I do the others who dominate in tennis and golf. Nice to be at the top.

Oh well for the rest of us.. we must focus on what we got going.

I should write some ponderances on girls and looks. I feel I am a bit shallow, but not as shallow as many, but more shallow than at least a few that I know. Thats next up.

Whats new

Company is dying.

My dating queue is quite well filled at the moment.

I need to cut out cappcuino's i'm getting fat from that shit.

Rain is ruining my weekend (tennis).

Thats life out here.

youth

aah to be young... and defy gravity

Of rituals and routines

I wonder if having a ritual and routine is part of what is needed for focusing ones efforts in life.

I post this, because my associate Tombo seems to enjoy poking fun at people thru his blog, so I decided to think about what his recent remarks mean. At times I ponder if Tombo is just a hater and gets joy out of poking and finding fault w/ people, or if in his so called hallowed words lies an intellect more complex than his labor hardened face shows.

Not sure what my point is, but his was that I'm unfocused but keep talking about focus. Yeah yeah whatever, I go between goofing off and living in the day, to realizing i should try to focus on a few things. I apologize to my readers if I am a broken record, but I think I've figured out that I need a routine in life -- something I am not accustomed to having as a free wheeling bachelor.

My routine for the past month or so...

• Mon, Tues - study japanese for 2hrs after work
• Weds - japanese class 1hr, then go to golf range for 1-2hrs
• Thurs - go to gym
• Fri-Sat - social life (ie go out and party)
  
• Sun - rest, play tennis, golf or go to gym
  

I think without a routine its hard to get something done. My efforts to study japanese or improve in golf, or learning how to price a CreditDefaultSwap are futile.. as the world has the ability to distract you with everything thats going on. The everything thats going on is life. Building structure around it is important if you want to get something done, but not so important if you just want to enjoy life and go with the flow.

But alas, we all can have our opinions on what is the right way to live life. I think we should simplify it just living with "Strength and Honor", like the gladiator said. Whatever that means.

Tighten up

Time to get fit and tighten up.

Expenses must be trimmed.
Fat trimmed.

Times are tough now. My company is dying. Must start to focus on all aspects.

Women ....

I tell ya.. I have trouble w/ women. Women are troubling. They amuse me.. but they puzzle me. I'm eternally drawn to them, but at the same time repulsed at how their brains work at times.

There is this one young gal I had some casual encounters with.. I was chatting w/ her online tonight. It went like this:
Me: whats up blah blah blah I'm sick
Her: blah blah
Me: u want to come get naked and play nurse?
Her: haha, always sex on your mind.
Me: blah blah blah
Her: I don't really like sex, I don't care about it. Blah blah blah.
Me: Really, you don't feel the need for it sometimes? etc
Her: No, not really I don't enjoy sex, blah blah more talk about sex.
..
Her: So you want me to come over later like around 10pm ?
Me: Nah its okay I'm a bit ill right now but thanks.

So whats up w/ that ??? From I don't like sex to can I come over @ 10pm for a booty call? Wow, take note-- thats how a female mind works.

I find it hilarious.. but scary at the same time.

Just saw Blood Diamond. Leo is a good lookin dude.

Blast.. from Tokyo Past

So tonight I went to meet up w/ this gal Baako who was good friends w/ the infamous j-girl t-gumi i dated back in 2001 that caused a stir in my life. Baako is married now w/ 2 kids, as is the j-girl w/ 1 kid. I gotta say once again, its hard to get back to the pure lust/passion that I had w/ the j-girl t-gumi that I had back in the day... yep it kills me to this day to try to get back to that level.

Anyways it makes me ponder, as Baaoki is married, her younger sister who also came out is in a 3yr relationship, what is important to me. They are (all 3 of these gals) daughters of very wealthy folk -- baako is married to a regular salaryman but due to her own family wealth lives in an elite town equiv to Palo Alto, and drives an Audi, etc. Living well. Yep yep. But I look at her and her sister and think... hmm yeah I could learn to love them, they aren't super hot, but they are cute enough given $10mm in the bank I guess....? But then where are my values, whats important to me?

I don't know the answer. I still strive for passion but my days of being able to find this is slipping.

Anyways I met several girls tonight. Seems if you are hanging out w/ 2-3 girls on your own, girls gravitate towards wanting to meet you. One gal was really cute (white gal). Also ran into another HS classmate of mine. Weird eh?

Anyways thats life. Must focus. My HS friend said I look alot more buff. I said no I'm actually alot fatter. Haha. I love how people mistake my fat for buff. Its genenic.

Wow we suck

yeah we are fricking dying man. our bank is getting trashed everywhere. we might get bought by mcd's for all i know.

in other news i ponder if i should go and sleep w/ random girls i have no interest in long term.. part of me says no no no... its a waste of time, i feel bad doing it, dont wanna lead people on, etc.. and thats my genuine intuition, but the other side of me says why not, just go w/ it, have fun, take no prisoners etc. i wallow in the thoughts.. i ponder and switch back and forth, but mainly lean towards being the self-righteous type.

i often wish i could be more shallow and just ravage the easy prey the way my friends do, but one must live with strength and honor, well they have to live with themselves and whatever gives them their morale being.

in the end maybe i will just go after hot girls.

Crap

I'm down 50% on two stocks in my portfolio, 1 is a huge % of my total stake.

oh well, i dont need to retire, i can just die young. live free or die harder

i recently saw Rambo on the plane. The new one. its horrible. Weird that stallone can make a great movie like Rocky the Final, then follow it up w/ crap. no consistency in this world.

I am going to sell my condo this summer. Lets see if i can move it... market is horrible.

Sumooooo

Me at 5am playing golf... its fricking cold today. I started w/ 2 9's (+4, +5), scored like 62 on the front, but toned down to score a 51 on the back. I cheated a bit though.

I decided at some point in life to live life and try new things and adventures instead of pooling and hoarding my money and spending time in a secure manner. Last week I went rafting, this weekend I went to SUMO in Tokyo at the Ryogoku Kokugikan.

I didn't go to a traditional 15-day series event but instead when to a 1 day tournament style event that occurred a week after the standard affair. Benefit is.. more matchups, and a winner. Diss is that it may not be for "points" towards their titles so it is more susecptable to collusion and cheating.

I later ate chanko nabe which is what sumo folks eat. Great cultural event. I loved it. I won't go again but it was grand to see it. I have a video of chanko nabe. They are philosphising about the history of the term Chanko.

A view of life

This was the view from my front door this evening at 730pm. Interesting skyline. Yep I'm living the good life man.

River Rafting in Gunma

went river rafting. water was splashing right into our faces. Good shit. I'm tired.



Highlight was.. talking to my coworkers 20yo girlfriend. Damn that is good shit, dating someone so young. Wow, I wonder what thats like. Well he's only 26 so its okay. If I dated a 20yo I'd have to keep it on the DL because everyone would give me the child molester look.

On that topic though, my other coworker (39) is dating a 25 yo girl. He was telling me how he had to kick her out because although they've dated 3yrs or so (since she was 22 and he was 37), she is psycho. She routinely freaks out, breaks dishes, has put a knife thru his drums, smashed his guitar, destroyed other items in the house, thrown out his clothes, stolen his keys, credit cards, made him sleep in the bathroom, he's had to stay in hotel rooms instead of his own apt, etc etc. Holy smokes man... he says she is super hot, but geez how much is a guy supposed to put up with for a smoking hot girl? Sure I could for 4-6 months of good times, but come on now.. thats out of control.

I was telling him, as a white dude, management level dude at a major bank.. u r money. Go find yourself another hot j-girl and stop wasting your time with this girl who will probably cut off one of your body parts overnight.

illegal pic

i think in japan people get arrested for taking pics like this.

Focus

I am going to try to keep blog posts concise.

Thats my 2008 goal. Keep it simple.

Purchase List

Word on the street is that Banks (including mine) are dying. Bonuses will suffer so no big $ bonus this year? Nah I think it'll be ok, us IT folk are not that leveraged, plus giving out $50k to peons in IT is a drop in the hat to these guys. But who cares, I'm trying to get promoted to AVP thats my main goal for 2008.

My list of stupid things I am thinking of wasting money on lately:

• MacMini
• Shuffle iPod
• New Cell Phone
• New Backpack
• Gym Membership
• Digital Camera
• Timberland Boot Company shoes
• Chinese Tourbillon watch

Yeah living without purpose means spending w/o meaning. However I see I blew thru ~$10k recently from traveling, so I am trying to slow this bad trend down a bit.

I ponder if the economy is in a dire recession. All indicators are such, but the nation is in denial. If the money is flowing out of the US and dollar is weak, then the masters of the universe already know what is really happening. That being said, yes the US is trash.

On the work front, I heard that BeeGiiAye my old company had some major projects that went bust. I think over-engineering is a danger that banks have when they get too many architects and become IT top heavy. One needs to review the concept of "the rise of worse is better" to build simple solutions quickly to solve immediate needs. Seems like hackery, but in reality its how a fast moving Investment Bank needs to operate. Time will tell.

I been slacking lately. But I did hit the gym. I am progressing in life.

What is on my mind

I took a sleeping pill tonight called Ambien. I need to try to start my week w/ better than my usual 2-3hrs of sleep at a time. I have chronic issues where I wake up every 2-3hrs and do something like check mail, eat an apple, drink water or something. On nights that I come home at 4am, it means I'm up at 7am, on nights I'm trying to get a full night of sleep it is kind of worrisome that it is affecting my waking performance. I cycle thru.. sleep @ midnight, wake at 3, 6, then try to get up at 8am... but alas i think my 3rd cycle is more like 10am so i struggle. lately been waking at 7am to get to work before 8am, which is maybe a better cycle for me.

Anyways given the Ambien I may knock out before saving this and if I wake up in a schitzophrenic craze and kill myself then this is the last log of my activities. I should save this now just in case.

My latest obessions are.
- Tourbillon watches.
- Replacement cell phone
- chicks
- traveling plans for fall and xmas

tourbillon are typically $50,000+ watches but the chinese (those bastards) have started pumping out real tourbillon movements and OEMers are putting them into $500 watches under no-name brands. This may change the market. In fact I may get one of these $500 tourbillons simply for the engineering marvel around them.

My phone's camera died. Ugg.. I love the phone, but love having a camera in it. I find it to be the ultimate in utility to capture any moment. The single flaw is that it has no flash and terrible low-light ability to take pics. To fix/replace my phone will cost $150-$180. Sheesh... what a rip. I could replace w/ a diff model but nothing eclipses what I got now. I could go for an international phone but hmm.. there are cheaper ways to roam internationally. Or maybe I will wait for an iphone to appear in Japan and become one of those groupies.

Travel plans are... spend a week in HK in fall, work out of the office and spock out if I would want to move to HK. Xmas.. maybe spend some time in Hawaii.. maybe spend alot of time in SE asia like Thailand or Vietnam like for 3 weeks if possible. I actually enjoyed saigon alot last time so I think it'd be nice to do a 2-3 week stink out there.

If i use the same gym and routine i was on, i'd be quite healthy (and tanned).

Girls? Hmmm.. I need new material thats all. I witnessed more whiteman game fri night -- hung out w/ 3 guys. I found that they have sigificant advantage, but closing is always a matter of game execution. If you are ultra white great looking then of course no prob. But just a typical good white guy still needs to do something to get a shy girl out and into his apt. whispering, "come to my place" or "lets go fuck" doesn't really work that well I see. Part of the problem is his wing is there holding her back. Must get rid of wing. Anyways 1 guy was doing nothing and getting nothing. 1 guy was on full attack but really didn't get much except amuse some girls. Last guy had many girls pushes his way (by yours truly) but he didnt like any of didn't want to close any as eventually they wandered off.

Oh, I talked to a few, the last one said i should stop touching her. I was like what is this a business meeeting we're a a club whats a little hand on your back and/or leg got you down for. I keep doing it and say you dont like it you can leave, this is our table. I was basically winging my friend, and she was winging hers, so i guess we both didn't give a shit about this situation. I was quite drunk at this point so not sure what I said but something like that. I was like whatever u skank. ahah. a friend once said keep pushing the girls button till they slap you or get up and leave. from a true playa of the game that was told.

thats club life. "in da club"

Back From Saigon

2nd time around I have to say Saigon is much easier for me to handle.

The 1st time.. issues were
- intense traffic
- intense heat and humidity
- pollution and poverty
- got a nasty stomach virus/flu

This time... I think I was prepared for all of the above, and found a nice gym/pool to relax at and spent alot more time getting my hair/face washed and a massage. It helps because its so fricking hot that getting a nice 3pm wash really refreshes you. Also staying around the swank Sheraton area is much nicer.

The good/bad of the situation in Vietnam is...
- prices are rising fast. Probably +30% from when I was last there. Hotel rates have doubled.
- side effect 1 of prices/inflation/growth -- more expats, english speaking locals
- side effect 2 -- there is going to be a further divide between rich/poor


There is still alot of fucked up shit in VN that Boo refers to as "TIV" (This is Vietnam). Like how pricing is variable.. taxis like to charge you whatever they think they can rip you for, everyone is trying to sell you shit, every taxi-motorbike seems to think I want to go for a massage w/ 2 girls, etc.

I witnessed a tourist get her handbag grabbed by a motorbiker. I had bought an imitation Mont Blanc work briefcase/bag and was thinking.. shit if I walk around Saigon w/ this, will a thief try to rip it off ? But then he'd be ripping off an imitation created by his own people!! But I suppose he wants the stuff inside not the bag itself.

Anyways time to sleep, I am fricking beat down.

If I got nothing going on over xmas I think I'll spend 2-3 weeks in Vietnam next time and really live the VC life.

Back in Saigon

There's a quote in the beginning of Apocalypse Now where Martin Sheen wakes up and growls.. "

"Saigon, shit, I'm still only in Saigon. Every time I think I'm gonna wake up back in the jungle."

Saigon, or HCM is a jungle by standards of someone who lives in the posh 98th percentile of world living standards.. last time I felt this place was too hectic for me. But this time around I'm finding it easier to swallow. I guess thats what life experience teaches you.. it numbs you to mayhem. Ie, u get used to it.

Note I was quite impressed with Taipei (Taiwan) for the 10hrs I was there. I had some great Beef Noodle Soup. Scratch that off the list of things to do!

Okay back to chilling.. I have a few hours to kill while I wait for Boo and his friend to arrive.

I had some revelations.. but goes to show carry a pad with you. At my age brilliant ideas come and go quickly.

Sat night antics

The party never ends for us single folk. While the married haters like tom may mock at the wasting of life and what not, thats how it is if you are single, what else u gonna do? Marry some filipino import or just sit at home and do nothing?

So sat night had a bday party of a FoF. There was a gal there named JE that this girl KOKO was trying to set VIG up with. They already went out once on a group date, and VIG already met her before so whatever. So at this party KOKO is like in his face, "what do you think, do you like her? blah blah blah" and hassles him all night. To make matters worse some drunk smelly skank was all over Vic that night so KOKO was like, "who is that girl???" to VIG like 10times and txt's/calls him later when we disappear, and everyone was asking 20-questions the next few days. Haha, the price of hanging w/ skanks!

The skank's friend was a JAL flight attendant and seemed pretty cool at first, like a nice sweet gal. The kind I like. But as the night progresses I see they are bitches but at that point we are stuck w/ them thru ramen and karaoke.

Things that turned ugly:
1) The skank turns to me and says something about how she accidentally ordered a drink and its 1000Y and asks me to pay. I'm like wtf? u don't have 1000Y ? But not wanting to mess up VIG's drunken action I say shit ok 1000Y.
2) The JAL girl and I are talking food and we discuss sushi and she says she knows great places in Ginza. Hmm.. Ginza sushi is like 20,000Y / head, and she says "you wanna take me?" -- maybe its a joke but I think its a bad one.
3) JAL and skank girls later eats ramen w/ P, VIG and I and the girls pretty much walk out leaving the boyz w/ the bill. wtf??
4) During karaoke same bitchy attitude, keeps talking about how we should "send her home" meaning pay for her taxi home. wtf????? JAL eventually leaves and doesn't leave any money for Karaoke. geez what users, this girl isn't even hot.
5) Anyways P and I leave early so VIG can get his groove on w/ the skank.

Another topper that night on my getting burned by lame chicks:
1) its a bday party so I offer up shots for me, KOKO, VIG and the bday girl. What does moron KOKO do? she calls over people to say, "hey he's buying shots" -- so I'm like stuck buying 7 shots instead of 4. I find that fucked up, esp since KOKO is somewhat of a friend of ours.
2) later KOKO finds me and says something about needing drinks. I'm like what are you talkinga bout, and it seems she wants me to buy 6 drinks for her and all her friends. So i'm like, "what? i'm leaving see ya" -- wtf kind of thing to ask is that? what a weirdo sheesh.
3) vic also confirms that KOKO was hitting him up for free drinks too. hello can you bitches buy your own drinks? damn, our pal M would never do that, 'cause she is a class act.

But it was fun so whatever. Karaoke is cool I enjoy singing "In the end.." linkin park -- the rap/talking bits anyways.

To America and Back...

I took a 10 day vacation, 11 if you count flying time and crossing of the international dateline, etc.

First stop was SoCal to visit my dear sister and her husband. Pretty mellow, went to the beach, shopped a heck of alot (but alas not enough), did my taxes, visited the Citi financial advisor, and saw Kawakkas and baby P. Overall a relaxing time in SoCal. Good times. Got my new T2010 laptop too.

Next stop was SF, tom was kind enough to pick me up at OAK and not make me wait over an hour like how he made Kenken wait last time. Went to eat noodles because I had a last minute opening to see the dentist @ 4pm. I realized how bad traffic has gotten in the area.. sheesh. Anyways did more shopping and got home around 9pm. Visited some of my old coworkers, but really didn't have time to look everyone up. Barely had time.. but I did see Chuck and the O-gang, which is always nice.

The finale was Vegas! The same gang from last year, the O-boyz + the supermodel and her sister were all present. A few new faces like Tom, Kenken, Veritas-P, supermodel's 21yo bro, and some folks from Chicago joined us so it was a huge crowd. Its nice to just hang at the pool, in the cabana, etc and relax, eat, drink, have fun, etc. The gang almost got into a brawl because the supermodel/vixen was teasing some irishmen and our hulkster pal KRS1 was a bit drunk and overprotective. Took 4 of us to hold that bastard back, but in retrospect we should have let him kill those stupid irishmen. Punk asses. Shoulda shown him asian power, and the asian way of fighting which is to gang attack rather than this 1-on-1 bullshit.

Anyways what really happened?

1. Had a 40min craps roll. Netted like $1300 on that run.
2. Total net from gambling was well within budget (loss).
3. Tom had alot of glitter on his face after the gents club.
4. Almost got into a brawl.
5. Saw some skank bachelorettes get wild on our 21yo pal.
6. Did alot of chilling and laughing.
7. Bought 2 suits, 2 shoes, 1 shirt, 4 ties, 2 cuffs, 4 underwear, 6 socks, shorts, cap, t-shirt, dress 2 polo dress shirts, 2 belts, a duffel bag, soap.
8. Should have also bought, dress shoes, puma socks, puma shoes, ipod, backpack, ....

No complaints about life. I'm headed to Vietnam on Friday. Its called BACK TO BACK vacations. Thats my new thing, B-2-B. Hit it hard.